A new book lists all the countries that hate the United States. It's called The World Atlas.
Being a comedian is like being a hooker- it's humiliating and degrading, but it only lasts 20 minutes, and you do get a hundred dollars.
Cloning is the scariest use of the egg since the Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Every time I think I'm a Republican they do something greedy, and every time I think I'm a Democrat, they do something stupid.
Exhaustion is a rich man's disease. If you have time to complain, you don't have enough work to do.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
If God had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
If you kill someone in Los Angeles, you're going to have to pay a really stiff fine.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
It was sort of a fair trade. We gave the Native Americans deadly diseases, and they gave us tobacco.
It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you're gonna get screwed.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
There's something wrong with a society that puts aspirin in childproof containers and bullets in cardboard boxes.
When you make the kind of money you make in show business, just shut up. Don't complain.
You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
You cannot stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
Found 25 occurence(s) in 51,841 quotation(s).