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Quotes of the day- George Carlin:
George Denis Patrick
Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian,
social critic, satirist, actor and writer/author, who won five Grammy
Awards for his comedy albums. (Click
here for the full Wikipedia article)
(Click here for KGB Report's George Carlin category page.)
A consensus reality is often misleading.
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
After the hurricane is gone, where do people put all that plywood?
Always do whatever's next.
An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees a glass half empty. I see a glass twice the size that it needs to be.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't you think its funny that all those tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?
Environmentalists don't give a damn about the environment. All they are concerned with is getting more bike paths and Volvos.
Everything beeps now.
Evolution is slow. Smallpox is fast.
George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Hard work is for people short on talent.
Human beings are kind of interesting from birth until they reach the age of a year and a half. Then they are boring until they reach fifty. By that time they're either completely defeated and fucked up, which makes them interesting again, or they've learned how to beat the game, and that makes them interesting too.
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
I don't have any pet peeves. I have major, psychotic hatreds.
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people.
I have as much authority as the Pope... I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I have yet to see a man getting a blow job yell “Stop, or I'll call the police.”
I hope nobody asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings to find out.
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of these macho athletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who takes a job where you gotta puke first is my kind of guy.
I looked in the dictionary. Cleanliness is not next to godliness. Cleanliness is between claustrophobia and cleavage.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm the elder statesman of the New Wave.
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
I've never been quarantined, but the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies?
If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
In Los Angeles there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called.
In the expression topsy-turvy, what exactly is meant by turvy?
In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
It's impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
Jesus doesn't love you. However, He thinks you have a great personality.
Just because you get the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus leaves town.
May the Forces of Evil become confused on the way to your house.
More people write poetry than read it.
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
One good reason for maintaining only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
People are okay taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number they tend to choose up sides and wear armbands.
People say when you die, you can't take it with you. Well, that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you.
People who drive faster than I do are maniacs, and people who drive slower than me are idiots.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
Some see the glass as half-empty; some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
That whole TGIF thing was cute for about an hour, and that was 65 years ago when someone first said it on the radio. Not cute anymore, time to start bombing these locations. TGI Fridays, if I had a place like that you know what I would call it? HSIOW, Holy Shit It's Only Wednesday. I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday all the time.
That's the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs.
The bigger they are, the worse they smell.
The Christians are coming to get you. And they are not pleasant people.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
The only good thing to come out of religion is music.
The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. With those two things in place as firmly as they are, I don't see any hope for getting around them short of some sort of interesting cataclysm. So I root for a cataclysm, for its own sake, just as entertainment. I don't even care if it has a good result. We're circling the drain, and I just like seeing the circles get faster and shorter all the time.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The staus quo always sucks.
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
The wrong two Beatles died first.
There is mileage, footage and yardage. Why is there no inchage?
There is no present. There is only the immediate future and the recent past.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
Too hip for the room.
(What Carlin suggested for his epitaph.)
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an endangered plant?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When fascism comes to this country, it won't be wearing jackboots; it'll be wearing sneakers with lights in them, and it'll have a smiley face and a Michael Jordan T-shirt on.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
When you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you're given a front row seat.
Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
You know the one group I never criticize? Politicians. Politicians are put there by the public. Garbage in, garbage out. You get the leadership you deserve.
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
Categories: George Carlin, Quotes of the day
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