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« April 2011
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This 1979 clip from NBC's Saturday Night Light shows that some things never change...
The format is a parody of the Point/Counterpoint segment of CBS' 60 Minutes, in which Shana Alexander and James Kirkpatrick would engage in a short, well-mannered debate on topical subjects. It became a recurring feature on SNL's Weekend Update until founding cast members Akroyd and Curtin left the show. The phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut" became a part of the national zeitgeist.
Categories: Classic, SNL, Snrk, Video, YouTube
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the
Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really
started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who
believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states
right.
-Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time
since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton
said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's
Hillary."
-Jimmy Fallon
We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars
aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the
youngest one because the other two will take care of it.
-Jon Stewart
It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi.
First his own people started rising up against him, then his
compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the
French.
-Jay Leno
The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are
limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that.
We still have troops in Germany.
-Jay Leno
Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya?
The planes look brand new, like they've never been used
before.
-Jay Leno
Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya.
When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the
whole world is upside down.
-Jay Leno
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be
fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace
Prize.
-Jay Leno
According to reports, Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite
corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a
related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.
-Conan O'Brien
The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey
Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by
Crabtree & Evelyn.
-Conan O'Brien
When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, 'I
think the First Lady of the United States is very
good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation
Lavender Mist.
-Conan O'Brien
On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why
they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying,
'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'
-Conan O'Brien
The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting
leaders from the gay community. This explains their new
name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of
Color-Coordinated People.'
-Conan O'Brien
Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said.
It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.
-David Letterman
Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have
to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.
-David Letterman
Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the
presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.
-David Letterman
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use
Hair Force One.
-David Letterman
Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly,
none of us know where Libya is.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America
short because of the situation in Libya- and to check on
his NCAA brackets.
-Jimmy Kimmel
No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's
like the Hanukkah of dictators.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America
short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So
to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're
wrong. He cares three hours' worth.
-Jimmy Fallon
A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to
anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was
offered a nightly show on Fox News.
-Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi
is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to
defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'
-Jimmy Fallon
Categories: Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week
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Howard Cosell (March 25, 1918 - April 23, 1995) makes an appearance in Woody Allen's 1973 film, "Sleeper."
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A melancholy lesson of advancing years is the realization that you can’t make old friends.
-Christopher Hitchens
Categories: Christopher Hitchens, Quotes of the day
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Lewis Black thinks Donald Trump has what it takes to be the crazy third-world dictator that America needs.
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, Video
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You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.
-Jon Stewart
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day
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William Shatner is 80 today. His toupée is 47.
Categories: Star Trek, William Shatner
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Hope
Chris Hedges
Hope, from now on, will look like this.
Hope will not come in trusting in the ultimate goodness of Barack Obama, who, like Herod of old, sold out his people. It will not be realized by chanting packaged campaign slogans or attempting to influence the Democratic Party. It will not come through our bankrupt liberal institutions- from the press, to the withered stump that is the labor movement.
Hope will only come now when we physically defy the violence of the state. All who resist, all who are here today, keep hope alive. All who succumb to fear, despair and apathy become an enemy of hope. They become, in their passivity, agents of injustice.
It is not having a positive attitude or pretending that happy thoughts and false optimism will make the world better. Hope is not about chanting packaged campaign slogans or trusting in the better nature of the Democratic Party. Hope does not mean that our protests will suddenly awaken the dead consciences, the atrophied souls, of the plutocrats running Halliburton, Goldman Sachs, ExxonMobil or the government.
If the enemies of hope are finally victorious in this nation, the poison of violence will become not only the language of power but the language of opposition. And those who resist with nonviolence are the last thin line of defense between a civil society and its disintegration.
Hope has a cost. Hope is not comfortable or easy. Hope requires personal risk. It is not about the right attitude. Hope is not about peace of mind. Hope is action. Hope is doing something. The more futile, the more useless, the more irrelevant and incomprehensible an act of rebellion is, the vaster and more potent hope becomes.
Hope never makes sense. Hope is weak, unorganized and absurd. Hope, which is always nonviolent, exposes in its powerlessness, the lies, fraud and coercion employed by the state. Hope knows that an injustice visited on our neighbor is an injustice visited on all of us. Hope posits that people are drawn to the good by the good. This is the secret of hope's power. Hope demands for others what we demand for ourselves. Hope does not separate us from them. Hope sees in our enemy our own face.
Hope is not for the practical and the sophisticated, the cynics and the complacent, the defeated and the fearful. Hope is what the corporate state which saturates our airwaves with lies seeks to obliterate. Hope is what this corporate state is determined to crush. Be afraid, they tell us. Surrender your liberties to us so we can make the world safe from terror. Don't resist. Embrace the alienation of our cheerful conformity. Buy our products. Without them you are worthless. Become our brands. Do not look up from your electronic hallucinations. No. Above all do not think. Obey.
The powerful do not understand hope. Hope is not part of their vocabulary. They speak in the cold, dead words of national security, global markets, electoral strategy, staying on message, image and money. The powerful protect their own. They divide the world into the damned and the blessed, the patriots and the enemy, the privileged and the weak. They insist that extinguishing lives in foreign wars or in our prison complexes is a form of human progress.
They cannot see that the suffering of a child in Kandehar or a child in the blighted urban pocket of our nation's capitol diminishes and impoverishes us all. They are deaf, dumb and blind to hope. Those addicted to power, enthralled by self-exaltation, cannot decipher the words of hope any more than most of us can decipher hieroglyphics.
Hope to Wall Street bankers and politicians, to the masters of war and commerce, is not practical. It is gibberish. It means nothing. And this is because they kneel before the idols of greed and money.
If we resist and carry out acts, no matter how small, of open defiance, hope will not be extinguished. If all we accomplish today is to assure a grieving mother in Baghdad or Afghanistan, a young man or woman crippled physically and emotionally by the hammer blows of war, that he or she is not alone, our act will be successful. But hope cannot be sustained if it cannot be seen.
Any act of rebellion, any physical defiance of those who make war, of those who perpetuate corporate greed and are responsible for state crimes, anything that seeks to draw the good to the good, nourishes our souls and holds out the possibility that we can touch and transform the souls of others. Hope affirms that which we must affirm. And every act that imparts hope is a victory in itself.
(from Auden)
Defenseless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.
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Governing this country with the Republicans is like rooming with a
meth addict. You want to address real-life problems like when the rent
is due, and they're saying, "How could you even think of that stuff
when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air conditioning
unit?!"
-Bill Maher
Categories: Quotes of the day
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I've come to the realization that gray is the mature form of blond.
Categories: KGB Opinion
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The Covert Comic does it again:
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The greatest cause for optimism about Japan is that it’s full of
Japanese.
-Dennis Mangan
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Another good reason to avoid local television news.
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Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.
-Scott Adams
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The breathless, edge-of-the-apocalypse reporting about the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear failures in Japan by the US media is mostly wrong. For a true perspective of what's going on, I recommend watching Japan's NHK World English feed. You can reach it by going to CNN's home page and clicking on the LIVE: Coverage from Japan link. Too bad no one at CNN itself is apparently watching it.
Other more balanced perspectives can be found here and here.
I've completely written off American news coverage. Line-parroting corporate shills really come up short when there's real news to cover.
Categories: KGB Opinion
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This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth–and I still have
my wife.
-Warren Buffett, quoting an anonymous investor in the Wall
Street Journal re: latest recession and market crash (via Bruce, the
Sanity Inspector on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup.)
Categories: Quotes of the day
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Pumpkin notices the new aquarium contains more than air bubbles.
Categories: Animals, Cats, KGB Family
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For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get
"bi-" and "semi-" mixed up.
-The
Covert Comic
Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day
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When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore.
We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's
Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page,
under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work
of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies.
-Bill Maher
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Although he died on July 20, 2005- the 36th anniversary of the first manned moon landing- Jimmy Doohan is and will remain immortal, thanks to his portrayal of Montgomery Scott, Star Trek's iconic chief engineer.
His fans are legion and include the first human to walk on the moon, engineer and astronaut Neil Armstrong. Notorious for avoiding the public eye, the reclusive astronaut nonetheless attended a 2004 Star Trek convention marking Doohan's last public appearance. Shaking the actor's hand, Armstrong said, "From one old engineer to another- thanks, mate."
Here's a eulogy to Scotty, and a great story I heard Doohan recount at a Trek Convention in Pittsburgh in the late 80s.
When I think of Scotty, I don't recall a wheelchair-bound Alzheimer victim being honored by fans at a sad farewell event. Here's how I remember him:
Instead of using aft thrusters, the U.S.S. Enterprise muscles out of spacedock at one-quarter impulse power. Mr. Scott is amused. The ensign, not so much. (from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, ©1991 Paramount Pictures Corp.)
Categories: James (Jimmy) Doohan, Jimmy Doohan, Montgomery Scott, Star Trek
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This is one of the reasons that two-thirds of Americans- including 58% of Republicans- don't want Congress to defund the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Thanks, PBS!
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Happy birthday to Sassy, the youngest of our pack of Shetland Sheepdogs.
Categories: Dogs, KGB Family
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I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains,
but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
–William H. Gascoyne
Categories: Quotes of the day
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If you review the hundreds of public opinion polls taken every year, you'll discover that roughly 20 to 30 percent of the population is against everything, regardless of the question. Or, to use the technical term, batsh*t crazy. I like to refer to this as The Batsh*t Constant.
And the reason politics and television are so screwed up? We keep electing them to public office and giving them television shows.
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