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Florida man searching for frisbees in a gator-infested lake... well, you know.

Police departments don't actually have a constitutional obligation to protect people.
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, June 01, 2022 @ 9:23 AM EDT

Jun 01 2022

Richard Scarry

(We pushed the button a bit early today; have some major items to complete around the house that are time critical.)

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The Supreme Court ruling that suggests police in Uvalde won't face major consequences. In 2005, the Supreme Court ruled that police departments don't actually have a constitutional obligation to protect people.

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After the Texas school shooting, my wife wondered aloud how an 18 year old could afford to buy two assault weapons. Why, with grabagun.com's Shoot Now Pay Later® program! "Now better than ever! Easier approval. $0 Down. Pay no interest for 90 days (on some offers)**. Easy installments up to 36 months. Approvals up to $5,000. No hard credit inquiries for Pre-Approval. Apply and Buy Today!"

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Add shortage of movie popcorn to nation's woes. And not just popcorn. Supply disruptions are also creating shortages of buckets and bags for popcorn, not to mention cups for drinks, trays for nachos and other necessities. This is a major concern for theaters who generate most of their profit from concession-stand sales.

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Supreme Court blocks Texas social media moderation ban. HB 20 - which forbids banning, demonetizing, or downranking Texas users' posts based on "viewpoint" - will be blocked while a lawsuit over its constitutionality proceeds. A lower court had already blocked the law in 2021 before the Fifth Circuit unblocked it this May.

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It's blue, fuzzy and lives in your belly button, and it actually has an important function... What is this mysterious substance, and why does it gather there?

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LONDON (AP) - In Britain, there are several traditional elements to a royal anniversary: pageants, street parties, the Sex Pistols.

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The doctor prescribed an obesity drug. her insurer called it 'vanity.' Many insurance companies refuse to cover new weight loss drugs that their doctors deem medically necessary. Doctors say obesity is a chronic disease that should be treated as intensively as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure or any other chronic illness are. But, they say, that rarely happens.

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Want to raise successful kids? Science says this controversial habit makes them smarter. Researchers said they found that kids who spent more time playing video games than their peers over a two-year period wound up with higher IQs as a result.

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Five warnings to shoppers from ex-Walmart employees

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Miscellany:

Birthdays:

1926 - Andy Griffith, American actor, singer, producer, and screenwriter (d. 2012) (video)
1926 - Marilyn Monroe, American model and actress (d. 1962) (video) Look familiar? Here's why.
1934 - Pat Boone, American singer-songwriter and actor
1937 - Morgan Freeman, American actor and producer
1939 - Cleavon Little, American actor and comedian (video)
1940 - René Auberjonois, American actor (d. 2019) (video)
1940 - Kip Thorne, American physicist, astronomer, and academic
1947 - Jonathan Pryce, Welsh actor and singer
1950 - Charlene, American singer-songwriter (video: "I've Never Been To Me")
1974 - Alanis Morissette, Canadian-American singer-songwriter, guitarist, producer, and actress (video: "Ironic")
1981 - Amy Schumer, American comedian and actress

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On this date in:

1968 - Simon & Garfunkel's single "Mrs Robinson" from "The Graduate" reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and in 1969 became the first rock song to win the Grammy Award for Record of the Year (video).
1970 - "Everything Is Beautiful" by Ray Stevens hits #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. (video)
1980 - Cable News Network (CNN) begins broadcasting, kicking off the 24 hour news cycle. It's been all downhill ever since. (video)
2008 - A fire on the back lot of Universal Studios breaks out, destroying the attraction King Kong Encounter and a large archive of master tapes for music and film, the full extent of which was not revealed until 2019.

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June is:

Adopt-A-Cat Month, African-American Music Appreciation Month, Cataract Awareness Month, Children's Awareness Month, Country Cooking Month, Entrepreneurs "Do It Yourself" Marketing Month, Fight the Filthy Fly Month, Fireworks Eye Safety Month, Great Outdoors Month, International Men's Month, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month, Men's Health Month, Myasthenia Gravis Awareness Month, National Accordion Awareness Month, National Aphasia Awareness Month, National Burglary Prevention Month, National Candy Month, National Congenital Cytomegalovirus Awareness Month, National DJ Month, National Dairy Month, National Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month, National Frozen Yogurt Month, National Homeownership Month, National Iced Tea Month, National Microchipping Month, National Rivers Month, National Rose Month, National Safety Month, National Scleroderma Awareness Month, National Soul Food Month, National Zoo and Aquarium Month, Turkey Lovers' Month, and Vision Research Month.

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Today is:

Dare Day, Dinosaur Day, Don't Give Up The Ship Day, Flip a Coin Day, Global Day of Parents, Global Running Day, Heimlich Maneuver Day, International Children's Day, National Go Barefoot Day, National Hazelnut Cake Day, National Nail Polish Day, National Olive Day, National Pen Pal Day, National Tailors' Day, New Year's Resolution Recommitment Day, Oscar The Grouch Day, Say Something Nice Day, Stand For Children Day, Wear a Dress Day, and World Milk Day.

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Friends and patients of the late Lawrence J. Nelson, MD... A memorial will be held Sunday, June 12 at noon at the George Irvin Green Funeral Home, 3511 Main Street, Munhall.

Categories: Belly Button Lint, Florida, Florida Man, Guns, Medicare, Medicine, Queen Elizabeth, Second Amendment, Sex Pistols, Shortages, Supreme Court, Walmart

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Republicans Blast Canada for insanely responding to gun violence by banning guns. (Andy Borowitz)

Second amendment, coffee, autopay, Covid, Smallpox, Monkeypox, DNA, DuPont
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Published Tuesday, May 31, 2022 @ 2:50 PM EDT

May 31 2022

Second Amendment
(Steve Cousineau)

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Canada moves to freeze handgun sales, buy back assault-style weapons. "We need only look south of the border to know that if we do not take action, firmly and rapidly, it gets worse and worse," Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said.

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We clerked for Justices Scalia and Stevens. America is getting Heller wrong. In the summer of 2008, the Supreme Court decided District of Columbia v. Heller, in which the court held for the first time that the Second Amendment protected an individual right to gun ownership. Scalia's majority opinion expressly recognized "presumptively lawful" regulations such as "laws imposing conditions and qualifications on the commercial sale of arms," as well as bans on carrying weapons in "sensitive places," like schools, and it noted with approval the "historical tradition of prohibiting the carrying of 'dangerous and unusual weapons.'" Heller also recognized the immense public interest in "prohibitions on the possession of firearms by felons and the mentally ill." (free New York Times article)

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The good for you/bad for you coin toss for this week involves coffee. Chinese researchers say a seven-year study suggests coffee drinkers are less likely to die of cancer and heart disease. As John Collins observes, "By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 88% of what little joy you had left."

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Nine bills you should never put on autopay. TL;DR: You really don't have much of a choice for some of them; part of the customer agreement requires automatic payment.

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You are going to get COVID again... and again... and again. ..."best guess for the future has the virus infiltrating each of us, on average, every three years or so." Also, the air at the gym may be more likely to spread COVID. Honestly, me catching COVID at a gym is something I never worry about. It's about as likely as me catching an STD from (insert name of currently reigning sex goddess).

Also, "That's just part of aging": Long COVID symptoms are often overlooked in seniors. Though it affects them at higher rates, older adults with long COVID have received little attention.

Some good(?) news:

The vaccine used to protect against monkeypox is the same used against smallpox, which was eradicated from the planet (except in government biowarfare labs) in 1980. Will the vaccine I received 60-some years ago protect me? Eh, maybe... Also, Britain urges people with monkeypox to abstain from sex as cases rise.

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Changing our DNA: 'The age of human therapeutic gene editing is here'

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DuPont: The most evil business in the world. Better living through chemistry? Teflon (polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE)) is poisonous. (video) More info on PFOA, which persists indefinitely in the environment. Also, a report by John Oliver.

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Miscellany:

Random automotive trivia:

Only 18% of Americans can drive a stick shift, and just 5% of new cars have manual transmissions
Only 4% of a car's lifetime is spent driving
Whale oil was used in some car transmissions until 1973
A $1 million speeding fine was issued to a Mercedes SLS driver in Switzerland for doing 180 in a 70 zone. (Fines are proportional to the driver's income)
There are 1.446 billion cars on the planet, roughly 1 for every 5.5 people
A modern car contains about 30,000 parts
75% of all Rolls Royces ever made are still on the road
A car is stolen in the U.S. every 45 seconds
The best selling car of all time is the Toyota Corolla. 44 million have been sold, and a new one is sold every 40 seconds
In 1900, 38% of cars were electric, 40% were steam, and 22% were gasoline powered

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Birthdays: Clint Eastwood is 92; Brooke Shields is 57; Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul, and Mary) is 84; Sharon Gless (Cagney & Lacey) is 79; Joe Namath is 79; and Leah Thompson (Back to the Future) is 61.

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On this date in:

1911, the RMS Titanic was launched in Belfast, Northern Ireland.
1971, in accordance with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act passed by the U.S. Congress in 1968, observation of Memorial Day occured on the last Monday in May for the first time, rather than on the traditional Memorial Day of May 30.
1977, the Trans-Alaska Pipeline System was completed and everything's been hunky dory since then.
1985, 41 tornadoes hit Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Ontario, leaving 76 dead. It remains largest and most intense tornado outbreak ever to hit this region, and the worst tornado outbreak in Pennsylvania history in terms of deaths and destruction.
2013, a record breaking 2.6 mile wide tornado with winds of 296 mph (476 km/h) struck El Reno, Oklahoma, causing eight fatalities and over 150 injuries.

Today is:

National Autonomous Vehicle Day, National Macaroon Day, National Meditation Day, National Smile Day, Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day, Save Your Hearing Day, Speak in Complete Sentences Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day, World No Tobacco Day, and World Parrot Day.

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Comments and observations:

"Do you wonder about the people who think COVID vaccines are useless but that single-door schools are effective?"
-Preet Bharara

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Friends and patients of the late Lawrence J. Nelson, MD... A memorial will be held Sunday, June 12 at noon at the George Irvin Green Funeral Home, 3511 Main Street, Munhall.

Categories: Andy Borowitz, Canada, Coffee, Covid-19, DNA, DuPont, Gene Editing, Justin Trudeau, Monkeypox, SCOTUS, Second Amendment, Smallpox, Supreme Court, Teflon

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Firearms are now the leading cause of death for U.S. children.

All guns, all the time
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, May 25, 2022 @ 7:08 PM EDT

May 25 2022

School

update
(The New Yorker)

The Onion: 'No way to prevent this,' says only nation where this regularly happens.

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Senator Chris Murphy's desperate plea for gun action: "Spare me the bullshit about mental illness," Murphy said. "We don't have any more mental illness than any other country in the world. You cannot explain this through a prism of mental illness because we're not an outlier on mental illness... We're an outlier when it comes to access to firearms and the ability of criminals and very sick people to get their arms on firearms. That's what makes America different."

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Noted American historian Heather Cox Richardson makes it clear: The idea that massacres are "the price of freedom," as right-wing personality Bill O'Reilly said in 2017 after the Mandalay Bay massacre in Las Vegas, in which a gunman killed 60 people and wounded 411 others, is new, and it is about politics, not our history. (Thanks to friend and reader Paul Stockhausen for reminding me to check my newsletter emails.)

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Governor: Texas gunman said he was going to shoot up school. The murderer sent private, one-to-one text messages on Facebook that were "discovered after the terrible tragedy," company spokesman Andy Stone said. He said Facebook is cooperating with investigators.

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From Columbine to Robb, 169 dead in US mass school shootings. Here's a complete chronological list.

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AP full coverage: Uvalde school shooting

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Mass shootings: the Supreme Court may be about to make the problem worse.

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Guns are just dandy, but Texas bans the possession of or promoting the use of more than six dildos.

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Texas Republican leaders promised action on gun safety after the El Paso shooting. Instead, they passed permitless carry.

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Why the Senate protects Supreme Court justices from protesters but won't protect kids from mass shootings

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Guns are banned during Trump's upcoming speech at the NRA conference. Of course they are.

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Beto O'Rourke interrupts Texas governor's press conference on shooting

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Donald Trump's plot for revenge against state politicians who didn't overturn the 2020 presidential election results failed. Badly.

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Tweets, observations, and diversions:

Mass killers are frequently too insane to stand trial but rarely too insane to buy AR-15s.
-John Fugelsang

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I bet the folks who wrote the Second Amendment never thought a well-regulated militia would spend so much time killing children.
-Mrs. Betty Bowers

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If you think gun violence is strictly a mental health issue, you're crazy.
-Middle Age Riot

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Daring someone to come and try to take your AR-15 away from you is a pretty good reason to have your AR-15 taken away from you.
-Jeff Tiedrich

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Don't even suggest arming teachers. Some of y'all don't even trust us to select library books.
-Amanda Lee

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Friends and patients of the late Lawrence J. Nelson, MD... A memorial will be held Sunday, June 12 at noon at the George Irvin Green Funeral Home, 3511 Main Street, Munhall.

Categories: Beto O'Rourke, Chris Murphy, Donald Trump, Georgia, Greg Abbott, Gun laws, Heather Cox Richardson, Mass shootings, NSA, Paul Stockhausen, Second Amendment, Sex Toys, Supreme Court, Texas, Uvalde school shooting

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Georgia was deliberately destroying unopened and unexpired baby formula.

Depp/Heard, Southern Baptists, Climate, Sharkcano!
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, May 24, 2022 @ 6:45 PM EDT

May 24 2022

For what it's worth, I've managed to avoid for the most part the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard spectacle. For those keeping track, though, on social media, Johnny Depp is winning public sympathy over Amber Heard. The hashtag #IStandWithAmberHeard has earned about 8.2 million views, compared to 15 billion views for #JusticeForJohnnyDepp. Closing arguments are expected to start on Friday. Also, The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard trial is not as complicated as you may think. The entirety of the case rests on twelve words.

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Active shooter incidents rose over 50% in 2021 compared to 2020. As opposed to passive shooters? I guess this is one way to avoid using the more accurate but NRA-unfriendly "mass shootings".

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South Asia's intense heat wave a 'sign of things to come'. Indian cities and Pakistan consistently saw temperatures above 45°C (113°F) in the past weeks. In Pakistan, scorching temperatures over 50°C (122°F) were recorded in some places like Jacobabad and Dadu. Parts of the Indian capital New Delhi saw temperatures reaching 49°C (120°F) this month.

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Top Southern Baptists plan to release secret list of abusers. ...the largest Protestant denomination in America, said Tuesday that they will release a secret list of hundreds of pastors and other church-affiliated personnel accused of sexual abuse. Also: 'I was just 16': Pastor's 'adultery' confession in church goes off the rails. With video, no less.

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'Predator' spyware let government hackers break into Chrome and Android, Google Says. A shady private surveillance company sold access to nearly half a dozen powerful security flaws in Chrome and Android last year to government-affiliated hackers, Google revealed Monday.

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The profound impact of giving American families a little more cash. Six months of payments lifted millions of children out of poverty. Then they stopped. The effects of the expanded tax credit's expiration were just as stark as its introduction: Child poverty increased 41 percent the first month after the credit expired, according to the researchers at Columbia.

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Can you ditch cable and go with Verizon or T-Mobile's 5G home internet? Not really.

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Shell Oil consultant quits, says company causes 'extreme harm' to planet. Oil giant's expansion plan prompted resignation email accusing firm of dismissing climate risks.

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Florida man does it again: Appeals court: Florida law on social media unconstitutional. A Florida law intended to punish social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment, a federal appeals court ruled Monday, dealing a major victory to companies who had been accused by GOP Gov. Ron DeSantis of discriminating against conservative thought.

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Clarence and Ginni Thomas are telling us exactly how the 2024 coup will go down. Also, guess who? The Supreme Court just condemned a man to die despite strong evidence he's innocent. He would have received a new trial if the Supreme Court hadn't changed the law.

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Bob Dylan (born Robert Allen Zimmerman) is 81 today.

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Tweets, observations, and diversions:

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Births increase in US for first time in seven years. Births remained below "replacement" level, the rate necessary to fully replace the number of people in the current adult generation. I know I like to think of us Generation Jonesers as irreplaceable.

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Republicans are complaining about declining birth rates after making America a place where nobody in their right mind would want to raise a child.
-Middle Age Riot

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'Sharkcano' is erupting! NASA satellite images capture a plume of discolored water emitting from the Kavachi Volcano, where mutant sharks live in an acidic underwater crater.

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Friends and patients of the late Lawrence J. Nelson, MD... A memorial will be held Sunday, June 12 at noon at the George Irvin Green Funeral Home, 3511 Main Street, Munhall.

Categories: 5G, Amber Heard, Android, Baby formula, Birthrate, Bob Dylan, Child Poverty, Chrome, Clarence Thomas, Climate change, FBI, Florida, Georgia, Google, Johnny Depp, Mass shootings, Ron DeSantis, Sharkcano, Shell Oil, Southern Baptists, Supreme Court

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Dolly Parton honors Dan Rather for fighting 'disinformation'.

Columbo, Cable, Covid, UFOs, Cats, Depp, Demented Ideology
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Published Tuesday, May 17, 2022 @ 5:03 PM EDT

May 17 2022

Frank
Apparently, Columbo's first name was Frank.

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"Basic cable is so important for so many reasons. Without basic cable, there'd be no 24-hour news, no reality television, and there'd be no Shark Week. Where would we be as a culture?"
-Doug Herzog

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US deaths from COVID hit 1 million, less than 2 1/2 years in. The confirmed number of dead is equivalent to a 9/11 attack every day for 336 days. It is roughly equal to how many Americans died in the Civil War and World War II combined. It's as if Boston and Pittsburgh were wiped out.

Also: How often can you be infected with the coronavirus? The spread of the Omicron variant has given scientists an unsettling answer: repeatedly, sometimes within months. A virus that shows no signs of disappearing, variants that are adept at dodging the body's defenses, and waves of infections two, maybe three times a year- this may be the future of Covid-19, some scientists now fear.

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On this day in 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court issued its landmark decision in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, in which the Court ruled that U.S. state laws establishing racial segregation in public schools were unconstitutional, even if the segregated schools were otherwise equal in quality.

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Verizon wireless plan bills getting more expensive with new 'economic adjustment charge'. The advertised pricing of Verizon's actual plans will stay the same, but it will begin adding a new "economic adjustment charge" to your bill every month. (Why doesn't the FTC go after this as false advertising?)

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From a congressional hearing on unidentified aerial phenomena, watch new videos released by the Department of Defense and highlights from officials' testimony. The truth is out there?

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Did cats really disappear from North America for seven million years? My guess is the little bastards were hiding.

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Three scenarios for how Putin could actually use nukes. Here's how to think about the unthinkable.

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Why we're doomed: America more interested in Depp-Heard trial than abortion. On a per-article basis, the trial has dwarfed all other major topics in the news.

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Craig Ferguson is 60 today.

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The devil they know: Why the Big Four broadcasters are canceling fewer shows. As broadcast nets become starting points in a cross-platform ecosystem, rather than the stand-alone entities they long were, staying with proven (or at least familiar) programming makes sense: Networks can still draw eyeballs to on-air shows that people know so well, and recognizable library titles help bolster affiliated streaming services. Outside of having NFL rights, that's as much of a win-win as the shrinking linear TV world can provide.

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A racist theory may have driven the Buffalo tragedy. The Murdochs thrive on it. The demented ideology flows from many sources. One of them is Fox News.

The Right's embrace of racist replacement theory is both dangerous and dumb:

Tweets, observations, and diversions:

Marjorie Taylor Greene: "The greatest choice a woman can make is becoming a mother."
So... it IS a choice.
-Middle Age Riot

The formula shortage is an example of how free market capitalism does exactly what right wing fear-mongers think socialism will do.
-Bess Kalb

Freedom isn't owning 25 rifles, it's going to the grocery store and not having to worry about being killed by one.
-Kevin Sixx

Categories: Cable TV, Cats, Columbo, Covid-19, Dan Rather, Dolly Parton, Fox News, Lawrence O'Donnell, Nuclear weapons, Rachel Maddow, Replacement Theory, Rupert Murdoch, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Tucker Carlson, TV, UAPs, UFOs, Ukraine, Verizon, Vladimir Putin

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Mass shootings, Medicare, space tourists, Alito, aging as a disease, dumping Depp, MickeyD defects
(permalink)

Published Monday, May 16, 2022 @ 4:26 PM EDT

May 16 2022

It's 19 weeks into the year and America has already seen 198 mass shootings. "This is planned violence. There is, in every one of these cases, always a trail of ... behavioral warning signs."

A fringe conspiracy theory, fostered online, is refashioned by the G.O.P. (NY Times free story) Replacement theory, espoused by the suspect in the Buffalo massacre, has been embraced by some right-wing politicians and commentators.

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Potentially alive 830-million-year-old organisms found trapped in ancient rock. What could go wrong?

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Americans can expect to pay a lot more for medical care in retirement. No kidding. A 65-year-old couple retiring this year can expect to spend an average of $315,000 in health-care and medical expenses in their retirement, according to a new estimate by Fidelity Investments. That's 5% higher than last year's estimate.

And what do they get for it? One in four Medicare patients harmed in hospitals, nearly half preventable. Among the roughly 1 million Medicare patients who were discharged from hospitals in October 2018, a total of 258,323 experienced an adverse or temporary harm event during their stay. And 12% experienced events that led to longer stays, lifesaving interventions, permanent harm, or death. "This projects to 121,089 Medicare patients having experienced at least one adverse event during the 1-month study period," the report stated.

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Whiny space tourists say they were too busy on the space station. They wanted to look out the window.

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The other scary thing about Alito's draft ruling on abortion... The dissents Alito stakes his argument on don't have to do with only abortion. They suggest threats to other constitutional rights, such as contraception access or LGBTQ protections. (Washington Post free article.)

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"I cannot survive on $260 a week": US retail and fast-food workers strike. Workers who bore the brunt of the Covid pandemic at billion-dollar companies such as Dollar General, McDonald's and Wendy's are leading a surge in action.

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Pennsylvania US Senate candidate Fetterman suffers stroke but says he's 'well on my way to a full recovery'. Don't bet against anybody who looks like Thanos. Election Day is tomorrow. Don't miss it.

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Yale research identifies causes of cancer. TL;DR: Essentially, being a living being on Earth.

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Confirmed: Disney Officially Replaces Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. Though the Mouse House still uses Johnny Depp's likeness for new Jack Sparrow merchandise, as well as features the man in their famous Pirates of the Caribbean attractions at Disney Parks, Disney has officially dumped Depp forever.

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Pizza has a delivery problem. The difficulty finding and keeping employees has hampered businesses across multiple sectors, but the restaurant industry has been hit particularly hard, leading to shorter operating hours and longer wait times for customers.

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The strange post-Trump politics of the Pennsylvania republican primaries. A few theories for why the former President's endorsement of Mehmet Oz failed to clear the field.

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Before Russia's invasion of the Ukraine, only 20% of Finland's citizens were in favor of joining NATO. Now it's 75%.

And in response...

Russian state TV suggests deploying nuclear weapons against Finland, Sweden. "Their official reason [to join NATO] is fear. But they'll have more fear in NATO. When NATO bases appear in Sweden and Finland, Russia will have no choice but to neutralize the imbalance and new threat by deploying tactical nuclear weapons," presenter Dmitry Kiselyov reportedly said on the channel.

Remember the old truism that the United States was never involved in conflicts with countries that had McDonald's franchises? McDonald's to leave Russia for good after 30 years.

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Aging, and the chronic diseases that come with it, is considered just an inevitable part of life. But what if it wasn't? What if aging itself was a disease- a disease that can be treated? Many scientists are doing just that, and the results are nothing short of shocking. Just how close are we to a cure for aging?

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Tweets, observations, and diversions:

Things you discover looking up other things: Back when rat infestations were commonplace, people found that rats loved chewing on paper. In an effort to save your notes while also offering a bit of papery delicacy to disease-carrying rodents, companies added wide margins to all four sides of notebook paper.

Some clickbait just doesn't work. "Unsettling Don Knotts secrets you never knew." Don't think so.

Trump supporters are white people for whom being born white in America wasn't enough of an advantage.
-Middle Age Riot

Questions for the people who are scared of becoming a minority: Why is that? Are minorities treated differently?
-Padma Lakshmi

You don't really think the party that yawned while its public health policies killed over 1,000,000 Americans with COVID is ever going to care if its ahistorical Second Amendment fetish kills thousands of Americans with gun violence, do you?
-Mrs. Betty Bowers

Categories: Abortion, Aging (Ageing), Cancer, Disney, Elections, Finland, Joe Scott, John Fetterman, Johnny Depp, Mass shootings, McDonald's, Medicare, Medicine, Mehmet Oz, NATO, Pirates of the Carribean, Pizza, Replacement Theory, Republicans, Retirement, Russia, Science, Space, Supreme Court, Sweden, Ukraine, Unions

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Mother's Day, Grandmas, Orson Welles, the hot topic
(permalink)

Published Friday, May 06, 2022 @ 4:33 PM EDT

May 06 2022

When I told my 95-year-old mother I planned to stop by on Mother's Day, she asked, "Are you doing it for me or are you doing it for yourself?"

This was at the end of a ten minute soliloquy- prompted by what she thought to be impudence on my part- in which she enumerated all the things she regretted doing in her life. I wasn't included by name, but an overly sensitive individual could have made that inference due to associations with certain other events and individuals she referenced.

It should have been obvious I wasn't planning to return to her house on Mother's Day because I enjoyed listening to her ramblings of what she perceived to be her past dystopian existence. I suspect my anticipated visit wouldn't be the highpoint of her day, either.

I'm going to see her on Mother's Day because that's what a son does. Especially when you're an only child. In this time of societal breakdown, it's important to uphold tradition. I respect the office, if you know what I mean.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Grandmothers are a subset of that cohort. I've done mother-related quotes in the past; this year, let's go with grandmas.

And don't forget to at least call Mom on Sunday. At best, she'll appreciate the sentiment. At worst, she'll realize everyone makes mistakes.

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A grandmother will put a sweater on you when she is cold, feed you when she is hungry, and put you to bed when she is tired.
-Erma Bombeck

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.
-Florence King

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.
-G. Norman Collie

If nothing is going well, call your grandmother.
-Variously attributed

Just about the time a woman thinks her job is done, she becomes a grandmother.
-Edward H. Dreschnack

Let's bring back grandmothers! A real family consists of three generations. It's time Americans stopped worrying about interference and being a burden on the children and regrouped under one roof.
-Florence King

Grandmamma had been the last connection to our past. I had understood her as some referent moral authority to whom we paid no heed, but by whose judgments we measured our waywardness.
-E.L. Doctorow

My grandmother gave me five dollars and said, 'Don't tell your mother.' I told her, 'It's going to cost you more than that.'
-Steven Wright

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneris

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner

My grandmother was insane. She had pierced hearing aids.
-Steven Wright

To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother.
-Victor Hugo

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
-Variously attributed

Whoever said 'Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting' obviously never licked one.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)

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Remembering Orson Welles (May 6, 1915 – October 10, 1985):

On the evening of October 9, 1985, Welles recorded his final interview on the syndicated TV program The Merv Griffin Show, appearing with biographer Barbara Leaming. "Both Welles and Leaming talked of Welles's life, and the segment was a nostalgic interlude," wrote biographer Frank Brady. Welles returned to his house in Hollywood and worked into the early hours typing stage directions for the project he and Gary Graver were planning to shoot at UCLA the following day. Welles died sometime on the morning of October 10, following a heart attack.

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The Hot Topic:

"'The unborn" are a convenient group of people to advocate for. They never make demands of you; they are morally uncomplicated, unlike the incarcerated, addicted, or the chronically poor; they don't resent your condescension or complain that you are not politically correct; unlike widows, they don't ask you to question patriarchy; unlike orphans, they don't need money, education, or childcare; unlike aliens, they don't bring all that racial, cultural, and religious baggage that you dislike; they allow you to feel good about yourself without any work at creating or maintaining relationships; and when they are born, you can forget about them, because they cease to be unborn. It's almost as if, by being born, they have died to you. You can love the unborn and advocate for them without substantially challenging your own wealth, power, or privilege, without re- imagining social structures, apologizing, or making reparations to anyone. They are, in short, the perfect people to love if you want to claim you love Jesus but actually dislike people who breathe. Prisoners? Immigrants? The sick? The poor? Widows? Orphans? All the groups that are specifically mentioned in the Bible? They all get thrown under the bus for the unborn."'
-from a 2018 social media post by Dave Barnhart, a pastor at Saint Junia United Methodist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.

What are Alito's primary sources for suggesting the criminalization of women for terminating their pregnancies? One is a 1732 journal called Gentleman's Magazine. (via Slate)

The GOP doesn't want your 12 year old daughter to read "The Handmaid's Tale". But they are absolutely giddy at the thought of making her live it.
-@dan6654

For all those worried about "The Handmaid's Tale" coming true, there had to be a plague first that disrupted everything so... oh, shit.
-@iamisaided

In honor of Mother's Day, the Republican Party is trying to force more women to be mothers.
-@middleageriot

Don't like abortions?
Just ignore them like you do kids in foster care.
-@TrisResists

"Judges can't just wake up one day and say I have an agenda - I like guns, I hate guns, I like abortion, I hate abortion - and walk in like a royal queen and impose their will on the world. It's not the law of Amy. It's the law of the American people."
-Amy Coney Barrett, 10/13/20

Categories: Abortion, Amy Coney Barrett, Dave Barnhart, Grandmothers, Mother's Day, Republicans, Roe v Wade, Supreme Court, The Handmaid's Tale

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66 possibly ethical but probably illegal things.

Bonhoeffer's Theory of Stupidity is still valid
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, May 04, 2022 @ 3:07 PM EDT

May 04 2022

As I've aged, I've come to feel that people are getting more stupid. Just watch the current crop of political advertising, and you'll understand what I mean. Some of these commercials are so stupid, you wonder at whom they're aimed. Dietrich Bonhoeffer offered a convincing explanation. The fact this is not a new phenomena is not comforting- especially since it has a disturbing record of success.

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience."
--George Bernard Shaw

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No conservative judicial nominee repeated Bork's mistake:

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"It reveals a rip in the culture of the Court that we've not seen."

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Why are gas prices so high? These obscure traders are partly to blame. "Nobody with power is looking at what they’re doing," but they're helping to drive soaring gas prices despite increased oil production.

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The perfect passive-agressive Mother's Day gift.

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May the Fourth be with you...

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Las Vegas outlaws grass.

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The Weird Al biopic teaser has dropped:

Categories: Abortion, Dave Brubeck, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Drought, Ethics, Gas Prices, Las Vegas, Mother's Day, Star Wars, Stupidity, Supreme Court, Weird Al Yankovic

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Lost rights, minority ruled government, fast retrograde politics
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Published Tuesday, May 03, 2022 @ 10:36 AM EDT

May 03 2022

That noise you hear is the whirlpool of the drain our democracy is approaching.

Roe v Wade in 1973 was a 7-2 decision, with five of the justices appointed by Republican presidents. Any further movement to the right, and we're in The Handmaid's Tale- if we're not there already.

Categories: Republicans, Supreme Court

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Donald Trump gave his big speech with his pants on backwards? No, he didn't.

Trump's backward pants, Apple scams, fast food secrets, singers' birthdays
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Published Monday, June 07, 2021 @ 12:00 AM EDT

Jun 07 2021

Apple's tightly controlled App Store is teeming with scams. Nearly two percent of Apple's top-grossing apps on one day were scams — and they have cost people $48 million.

AP's not real news: what didn't happen last week: Claim about airline meeting on vaccine liability is false; Cervical cancer screening letter is routine, not linked to COVID-19 vaccines; US military did not arrest Dr. Deborah Birx; and Dominion Voting Systems lawsuits against Powell and Giuliani are ongoing. I'm really beginning to wonder if a large portion of our population is insane.

I'm a billionaire politician, but you, a regular person, have to save the world. Purchase your world-saving equipment from Amazon. Amazon cares about bringing people together, as long as those people aren't coming together to form a union.

Sackler family empire poised to win immunity from opioid lawsuits While Purdue Pharma has twice pleaded guilty to federal crimes relating to its opioid marketing schemes, no member of the Sackler family has faced criminal charges.

25 secrets fast-food chains don't want you to know. My favorite: "the tastes and aromas of fast food items are often manufactured at special chemical plants in New Jersey." Why does the lab's New Jersey location make it seem worse?

MeidasTouch.com made a $184,854 TV buy with this ad on Fox News this week. Fox News denied airing the ad. You know what to do...

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KGB's daily agglomeration of stuff I find interesting:

Among other things, today is Daniel Boone Day, June Bug Day, National Chocolate Ice Cream Day, and VCR Day.

On this date in 1776, Richard Henry Lee presented the Lee Resolution to the Continental Congress. The motion was seconded by John Adams and led to the United States Declaration of Independence. (Video)

On this date in 1942, the battle of Midway ended in American victory. (Video)

On this date in 1955, Dwight D. Eisenhower became the first U.S. president to appear in a live telecast on color television.

On this date in 1965, the Supreme Court of the United States handed down its decision in Griswold v. Connecticut, prohibiting the states from criminalizing the use of contraception by married couples.

On this date in 1968, Sirhan Sirhan was indicted for the assassination of US Senator Robert F. Kennedy.

On this date in 1969, Tommy James and the Shondells released their single Crystal Blue Persuasion. (Video)

On this date in 1972, the musical "Grease" opened at the Broadhurst Theater in New York City, where it ran for 3,388 performances. (Video)

Birthdays

1917 – Dean Martin, American singer, actor, and producer (d. 1995) (Video)
1940 – Tom Jones, Welsh singer and actor (Video-when you're over 80 and still the coolest dude in the room...)
1952 – Liam Neeson, Irish-American actor
1958 – Prince, American singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, producer, and actor (d. 2016) (Video)
1959 – Mike Pence, 48th Vice President of the United States, 50th Governor of Indiana
1974 – Bear Grylls, English adventurer, author, and television host

Miscellany

After years of detecting land mines, a heroic rat is hanging up his sniffer. In four years he has helped to clear more than 2.4 million square feet of land. In the process, he has found 71 land mines and 38 items of unexploded ordnance.

Single's ad

Speaking of UFOs and related topics: "Preserving our way of life, because we care about the future - just not yours":

(This is a joke, of course...)

Categories: amazon.com, Apple, Associated Press, Battle of Midway, Bear Grylls, Dean Martin, Donald Trump, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Fast food, Fox News, Grease, January 6, Liam Neeson, Mike Pence, Opioids, Prince, Richard Henry Lee, Robert F. Kennedy, Sacker family, Sirhan Sirhan, Supreme Court, Tom Jones, Tommy James

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Don't be evil: Google shifted more than $75.4 billion (£63 billion) in profits out of the Republic using the controversial "double-Irish" tax arrangement in 2019, the last year in which it used the loophole.

The Osmond Misinterpretation, innumeracy, strawberries...
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Published Monday, April 26, 2021 @ 12:33 AM EDT

Apr 26 2021

With all the police shootings and references to "bad apples," this is worth revisiting..

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Thought of the day: "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
-Ludwig Wittgenstein (26 April 1889 – 29 April 1951) (More Ludwig Wittgenstein quotes)

Along those lines, Experts say humanity faces a grim and "ghastly future"– state of planet is much worse than most people understand. But then, if you're not rich, good news: You're probably getting a tax cut.

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AP Fact Check- all the news that didn't happen last week.

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Millions are skipping their second doses of COVID vaccines. More than 5 million people, or nearly 8% of those who got a first shot of the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines, have missed their second doses, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That is more than double the rate among people who got inoculated in the first several weeks of the nationwide vaccine campaign. Meanwhile, virus 'swallowing' people in India; crematoriums overwhelmed. And Alaska Airlines has banned Alaska state senator Lora Reinbold for her continued refusal to comply with employee instruction regarding the current mask policy.

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IRS is holding millions of tax returns, delaying refunds. We filed with TurboTax the first day the IRS began accepting returns, and had our refund in just ten days.

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Innumeracy: Wandering through the produce department of Giant Eagle over the weekend, I strolled past a rather large display of fresh strawberries. There were two groups: one pound containers, which appeared to be selling faster than the adjacent two pound packages. The sign said the one pound packages were on sale: two for $6. The two pound packages were $4.99. So the one pound packages cost $3 per pound, while the two pound packages were about $2.50 per pound. Canned and packaged goods on the self usually have a unit cost on their price stickers which show the cost of the item per ounce. Take a close look the next time you're at the store... that "large economy size" actually costs more than the "standard" size.

Speaking of grocery stores, I was engaged in a discussion with a lady in the checkout line who was asserting that cats were better overall pets than dogs. I have nothing against cats, but dogs are indisputably better companions; it's intrinsic to their make-up. Compare a 20 pound dog to a 150 pound dog. Aside from size, they're, well, dogs. Compare a 20 pound cat to a 150 pound cat. The former is a house pet, the latter is something that's higher on the food chain than you.

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Quotation trivia: "What fresh hell can this be?" is a line that has been attributed many times to Shakespeare but is actually from American author/critic/poet and wit Dorothy Parker. She is reported to have used the phrase when interrupted by a telephone. She then started using it in place of "hello" when answering the phone. In many ways she can be considered the patron saint of all tech support workers. (More Dorothy Parker quotations.)

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This would be funny if it weren't a direct threat to our democracy:

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Cheerleader's Snapchat rant leads to 'momentous' Supreme Court case on student speech. ...an adolescent outburst and the adult reaction to it has arrived at the Supreme Court, where it could determine how the First Amendment's protection of free speech applies to the off-campus activities of the nation's 50 million public school students.

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Why are there no horse-sized rabbits?

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Among other things, today is Alien Day, Audubon Day, Get Organized Day, Hug a Friend Day, Hug an Australian Day, International Chernobyl Disaster Remembrance Day, National Dissertation Day, National Help a Horse Day, National Kids and Pets Day, National Pretzel Day, National Richter Scale Day, National Static Cling Day, Pesach Sheni, and World Intellectual Property Day.

On this date in 1986, a nuclear accident occurred at the No. 4 reactor in the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, near the city of Pripyat in the north of the Ukrainian SSR. It is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history both in terms of cost and casualties, and is one of only two nuclear energy accidents rated at seven —the maximum severity— on the International Nuclear Event Scale, the other being the 2011 Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in Japan. The initial emergency response, together with later decontamination of the environment, ultimately involved more than 500,000 personnel and cost an estimated 18 billion Soviet rubles— roughly US$68 billion in 2019, adjusted for inflation.

Remembering Vic Perrin, (April 26, 1916 – July 4, 1989) American radio, film, and television actor, perhaps best remembered for providing the "Control Voice" in the original version of the television series The Outer Limits (1963–1965).

Carol Burnett (b. April 26, 1933) is 88 today. Famous quote: "Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and pulling it over the top of your head." (More Carol Burnett quotes.)

Melania Trump (born Melanija Knavs, Germanized as Melania Knauss, on April 26, 1970) is 51 today.

Bobby Rydell (b. Robert Louis Ridarelli, April 26, 1942) is 79 today.

Giorgio Moroder (b. Giovanni Giorgio Moroder, April 26, 1940) is 81 today. An Italian composer, songwriter, and record producer, he has been called the "Father of Disco", and is credited with pioneering euro disco and electronic dance music. His work with synthesizers had a large influence on several music genres such as Hi-NRG, Italo disco, new wave, house and techno music.

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Andy Borowitz: Trump blasts Biden for firing almost no one in first hundred days. At the rate Biden is going, Trump said, "He's going to be looking across his desk at the same losers the entire time he's in office."

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I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night because the "pre-game" show featuring performances of the nominated songs left me underwhelmed. It reminded me of an Oscar performance so sublime that I remember it clearly 42 years later. Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, let's return to those thrilling days of yesteryear to the 51st Annual Academy Awards (1979), when they really knew how to pull out all the stops and put on a show. With lyrics by Fred Ebb and music by Larry Grossman, "Oscar's Only Human (Not Even Nominated)" featured Steve Lawrence and Sammy Davis Jr. performing a medley of outstanding songs that were not even nominated for a Best Original Song Oscar®.

If your song didn't win the Academy Award
And you're feeling dejected and deflated,
Imagine the shape you might have been in
If you hadn't even been nominated.

Running an impressive ten minutes, the Academy's music branch initially protested the segment and urged it be dropped from the ceremony. It remained after producer Jack Haley Jr. threatened to quit and take first-time emcee Johnny Carson with him.

Categories: Alphabet, Andy Borowitz, Bobby Rydell, Carol Burnett, Cats, Chernobyl, Covid-19, Dogs, Dorothy Parker, First Amendment, Google, Ireland, IRS, Ludwig van Beethoven, Melania Trump, Strawberries, Supreme Court, Taxes, Vic Perrin

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Trump 'spiritual adviser' Paula White imitates queen bee dance to declare end to the coronavirus pandemic.

Star Trek, Space Force, Marilyn, Mount St. Helens, NASA says don't worry...
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Published Monday, May 18, 2020 @ 12:31 AM EDT

May 18 2020

Today is Monday, May 18, the 139th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 227 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reese's® Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day. National Cheese Soufflé Day, National No Dirty Dishes Day, National Visit Your Relatives Day, Send an Electronic Greeting Card Day, and World AIDS Vaccine Day.

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Supreme Court debacle: On this date in 1896, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Plessy v. Ferguson that the "separate but equal" doctrine was constitutional.

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On this date in 1933 as part of the New Deal, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the act creating the Tennessee Valley Authority, a federally owned corporation created by congressional charter to provide navigation, flood control, electricity generation, fertilizer manufacturing, and economic development to the Tennessee Valley, a region particularly affected by the Great Depression.

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On this day 70 years ago, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman Tommy Glaviano made errors on three consecutive grounders in the bottom of the ninth, allowing the Brooklyn Dodgers a 9-8 victory. At least he could tell himself it wasn't, you know, something people would remember two decades into the next century or anything

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On this day in 1962, A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy took place at Madison Square Garden, New York City. The highlight was Marilyn Monroe's rendition of "Happy Birthday." (Video)

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Tina Fey is 50 today. Click here for quotes by Tina Fey.

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On this date in 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted, directly killing 57 people and releasing thermal energy equivalent to 26 megatons of TNT, over 1,700 times larger than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan in 1945. (Video)

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Ever listen to Trump ramble and wonder what he was asked about in the first place? Now it's a game you can play at home! From The Daily Show. (Video)

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This just about sums it up... (Video)

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Inside Trump's coronavirus meltdown. Again and again, the story that emerged is of a president who ignored increasingly urgent intelligence warnings from January, dismisses anyone who claims to know more than him and trusts no one outside a tiny coterie, led by his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner- the property developer who Trump has empowered to sideline the best-funded disaster response bureaucracy in the world. "It is as though we knew for a fact that 9/11 was going to happen for months, did nothing to prepare for it and then shrugged a few days later and said, 'Oh well, there's not much we can do about it,'" says Gregg Gonsalves, a public health scholar at Yale University. "Trump could have prevented mass deaths and he didn't."

Meanwhile, on Earth 2: Eric Trump accuses Democrats of "milking" coronavirus lockdowns to win the election.

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Borowitz: Trump says nation will have vaccine before it sees his taxes.

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Obama openly criticizes Trump administration's coronavirus response. (Video)

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'A lot to be hopeful for': Crisis seen as historic, not another Great Depression.

Related: Drastic makeover looms for world's most followed stock index. "The S&P committee is going to have to decide how long they want to wait before ditching COVID-damaged companies..."

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As cable TV fades, fearing 'the end of Comedy Central.' The network that made the careers of Dave Chappelle, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer has laid off top executives while looking to make shows that are cheaper to produce.

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Space Force launches robotic X-37B space plane on new mystery mission. While the X-37B's exact purpose is a secret, Space Force officials have revealed that the craft is packing numerous experiments on this trip to test out different systems in space. Some of those experiments include a small satellite called FalconSat-8, two NASA payloads designed to study the effects of radiation on different materials as well as seeds to grow food, and a power-beaming experiment using microwave energy. (story includes video)

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ViacomCBS, which owns Paramount and the Star Trek® franchise, should sue Trump for using the phrase "warp speed" for the vaccination projects and the delta shield emblem as the core of its Space Force logo. Not for intellectual property violations, but for damaging the value of its brand via association with a malignant miscreant.

And speaking of Star Trek, seven years ago today my wife and I saw "Star Trek: Into Darkness," by far the worst Star Trek film ever made.

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Meteor caught on doorbell camera. A Summerville, SC family caught a meteor entering Earth's atmosphere on their doorbell video camera early Thursday morning. The video, provided by the Giltner family, was taken around 12:42 a.m. (video)

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Expert's COVID-19 swimming pool study: chlorine no safety guarantee, high-level controls the way back to the water.

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Here's what a solar minimum is and why NASA says it's nothing to worry about. Some say the current cycle could be a repeat of the Dalton Minimum, which was one of the most extreme weather periods in history. The Dalton minimum was a period that lasted over three solar cycles from 1790-1830 and resulted in heavy snows, deep frost and general cooling around the globe. NASA scientists say there's no mini ice age on the horizon, because planetary warming due to climate change will offset the cycle. There. Feel better?

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Offered without comment: (Video)

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Thoughts of the day:

Among the rich you will never find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it.
-G.K. Chesterton

The written word will soon disappear and we'll no longer be able to read good prose like we used to could. This prospect does not gentle my thoughts or tranquil me toward the future.
-James Thurber

There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.
-Barack Obama

We can usually recognize the consequence of our actions. It is the consequence of our inaction that gets confused with the inevitable.
-Robert Brault

The more you know, the sadder you get.
-Stephen Colbert

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I'm a sucker for rescue dogs to begin with, but this sweetheart tore my heart out. Thank goodness she found a loving home with a great mom dedicated to caring for special needs dogs. (Video)

Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
.

Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Climate change, Comedy Central, Covid-19, Daily Show, Donald Trump, Eric Trump, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Meteors, Mount St. Helens, NASA, New Deal, Paula White, Rudy Giuliani, SCOTUS, Space Force, Star Trek, Supreme Court, Tennessee Valley Authority, The Sun, Tina Fey, Tommy Glaviano, Video, YouTube

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AP FACT CHECK: Trump’s perfect China ban, death toll myths.

Mac the Knife, the Sun is asleep, a ton of memes, and existential despair
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Published Thursday, May 14, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT

May 14 2020

Forward this email to a friend. They can subscribe here.

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Oops

The email version of yesterday's report said it was Tuesday. Of course, it was Wednesday. When I dusted off the old blogging software, I forgot to adjust for the fact 2020 is a leap year. I'm not blaming the software: it was strictly human error.

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Today is Thursday, May 14, the 135th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 231 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is "The Stars and Stripes Forever" Day, National Dance Like a Chicken Day, International Dylan Thomas Day, National Buttermilk Biscuit Day, and National Underground America Day.

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The Sun is asleep. Deep 'solar minimum' feared as 2020 sees record-setting 100-day absence of sunspots.

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Remembering Richard Deacon. (May 14, 1921- August 8, 1984) (Video)

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Remembering Bobby Darin (May 14, 1936 – December 20, 1973) (Video)

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George Lucas is 76 today. (Video)

George Lucas quotes.

Also related: Star Wars actor Mark Hamill, 68, is 'done' with the franchise. "I'm full of gratitude for what it has given me and my career but I don't want to be greedy. There are still so many more stories to tell and so many great actors to tell them, they don't need me."

Somewhat related: Coronavirus has moved visual effects work to the cloud- and it may stay there. "With this technology, you can set up 1,000 workstations in less than an hour and have people working on a project simultaneously in Mumbai, New York, Dublin and Vancouver," says Botham. "It's a seamless process."

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Robert Zemeckis is 68 today. (Video)

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Tim Roth is 59 today. (Video)

(He's perhaps more famous as the restaurant robber in Pulp Fiction, but that clip's a bit over the top.)

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On this date in 1796, Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox inoculation.

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On this date in 1948, Israel was declared to be an independent state and a provisional government was established. Immediately after the declaration, Israel is attacked by the neighboring Arab states, triggering the 1948 Arab–Israeli War.

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On this date in 1973, Skylab, the United States' first space station, was launched. (Video)

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Whistleblower: US could face virus rebound 'darkest winter'. Immunologist Dr. Rick Bright makes his sobering prediction in testimony prepared for his appearance Thursday before the House Energy and Commerce Committee. Aspects of his complaint about early administration handling of the crisis are expected to be backed up by testimony from an executive of a company that manufactures, respirator masks.

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Wisconsin Supreme Court strikes down state's stay-at-home order. "This isn't a game. This isn't funny. People die every day because of this virus- often times painful and lonely deaths- and the more we delay or play political games the more people die."

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As each day passes, I become more convinced he's determined to destroy the Republic: Mitch McConnell is pushing the Senate to pass a measure that would let the FBI collect Americans' web-browsing history without a warrant. The Senate is expected to vote to renew the 2001 Patriot Act, and Mitch McConnell is pushing an amendment to the law that would expand the FBI's surveillance powers.

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Atmospheric CO₂ soars to record heights in spite of global pandemic. While the coronavirus pandemic has led to a decline in carbon emissions in some areas, the effect is expected to be short-lived.

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Rand Paul says secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you. (Andy Borowitz)

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The real reason Trump wants to reopen the economy. (Video)

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Vitamin D determines severity in COVID-19. Vitamin D has many functions in the human body, and now researchers claim it can also support the immune system through a number of immune pathways involved in fighting SARS-CoV-2. Many recent studies confirm the pivotal role of vitamin D in viral infections. This may be because vitamin D is important in regulation and suppression of the inflammatory cytokine response, which causes the severe consequences of COVID-19 and acute respiratory distress syndrome associated with ventilation and death.

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Get ready for a Covid-19 vaccine information war... Social media is already filling up with misinformation about a Covid-19 vaccine, months or years before one even exists.

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JCPenney gives executives bonuses ahead of deadline for possible bankruptcy filing. Well, they won't have any money afterwards, will they?

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Tired of binge-watching old science fiction movies? Use SpaceX's ISS Docking Simulator to dock with the International Space Station.

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Justice Clarence Thomas brings up Frodo Baggins during Supreme Court oral arguments. He finally speaks, and it's a Lord of the Rings reference. Related: Supreme Court appears poised to let states keep 'faithless electors' out of the Electoral College. President Trump once supported abolishing the Electoral College- he previously felt it was a "total disaster for democracy"- but since his 2016 presidential victory over Hillary Clinton, in which Clinton won the popular vote by almost 3 million votes, but Trump received 304 electoral votes, he has changed his mind.

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Stocks fall as Fed Chairman Powell warns of lasting economic damage.

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House Democrats' stimulus bill rolls back $10,000 state and local tax deduction cap for two years. It's unlikely Mitch McConnell and his minions in the Senate will go along.

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Forget murder hornets. Giant gypsy moths could bring 'serious, widespread damage' to the US.

Incidentally, the fella in the photo below has been in the U.S. since the mid-1800s: the hornet moth, which mimics a stinging hornet as protective coloration. They're harmless, aside from the heart attack they induce when they land on you.

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From The Scarlet Pimpernel to Spiderman, superheroes have had secret identities. This history of that trope also explains why the practice may be disappearing.

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Astronauts could live in lava tubes on Mars. That's beginning to sound pretty attractive.

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The world's last Blockbuster remains open, pandemic and Netflix be damned.

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Topic of the Day:

Failure.

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Thoughts of the day:

I do not dispute that God speaks to you, but I am dubious that He speaks to you for the purpose of relaying instructions to me.
-Robert Brault

It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
-Upton Sinclair

What people want, mainly, is to be told by some plausible authority that what they are already doing is right. I don't know know of a quicker way to become unpopular than to disagree.
-John Brunner

Hubris and hypocrisy are a deadly combination.
-Anne-Marie Slaughter

Insanity is contagious.
-Joseph Heller

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Things are really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.

Categories: Bobby Darin, Carrie Fisher, Clarence Thomas, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Edward Jenner, Electoral College, Federal Reserve, Inoculation, Israel, ISS, JC Penney, Mark Hammill, Robert Penn Warren, SCOTUS, Secret Identities, Skylab, Smallpox, SpaceX, Star Wars, Supreme Court, Tim Roth, Vaccines, Video, YouTube

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The Trump administration is reversing nearly 100 environmental rules. Here's the full list.

Brain-eating killer songbirds and other existential threats...
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Published Friday, May 08, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT

May 08 2020

Today is Friday, May 8, the 129th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 237 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks a Voice, Free Trade Day, Iris Day, Military Spouse Appreciation Day, National Coconut Cream Pie Day, National Give Someone a Cupcake Day, National Have a Coke Day, National Public Gardens Day, National Student Nurses Day, No Socks Day, Pesach Sheni, Provider Appreciation Day, Time of Remembrance and Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives during the Second World War, Victory in Europe Day, World Ovarian Cancer Day, and World Red Cross and Red Crescent Day.

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According to Wired, Covid-19's scary blood clots aren't that surprising. According to the author, "researchers have long known about the link between infectious diseases and blood clotting. There's even data to suggest a heightened risk of fatal heart attacks—a related complication—among those who get plain old influenza." Swell.

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Here's that CDC document that the Trump mob said "would never see the light of day." Nice work, Associated Press. The plan is to have no plan. "There is no genius there, only a damaged human being playing havoc with our lives." Speaking of having no plan, one of Trump's personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. So, what's next? A senior administration official said he expects the president to begin publicly questioning the death toll as it closes in on his predictions for the final death count and damages him politically.

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Of course, the big question the country is asking today is Which Supreme Court justice flushed the toilet during oral arguments?

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Not only is our economy tanking, but so is our respect for the rule of law: The Justice Dept. is dropping charges against the former Trump aide Michael Flynn, a stark reversal for a defendant who'd twice pleaded guilty.

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How can there be anything worse than Murder Hornets? How about the brain-eating killer songbird apocalypse? No worries, though. The songbirds in question (a certain population of great tits) eat only bat brains. Of course, bats harbor zillions of viruses, which could be transferred to the birds, and... can you say "avian flu"?

We'll probably end up doing ourselves in. Think the coronavirus is nasty? How about a human-engineered pandemic (which the current SARS-CoV-2 most certainly isn't, conspiracy theories notwithstanding). Check out #3 on this video. The observation that our "outbreak response protocols are rapidly improving" is almost laughable given our current situation. But the video is over a year old, and I don't think anyone could have predicted how one man could ignore and even sabotage medical science.

By the way, I heartily recommend the SciShow channel on YouTube. They have thousands of brief, cogent, and entertaining videos covering an astonishingly large range of subjects.

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Harry S. Truman (May 8, 1884 – December 26, 1972), the 33rd President of the United States, was famous for the sign on his desk:

While this concept is totally foreign to the current President, some things don't change. As Truman observed: "A liar in public life is a lot more dangerous than a full, paid up Communist, and I don't care who he is."

More Truman quotes here.

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On this date in 1886, pharmacist John Stith Pemberton first sold his carbonated beverage named "Coca-Cola", which was originally was marketed and sold as a patent medicine.

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Remembering the original voice of Elmer Fudd, Arthur Q. Bryan (May 8, 1899 – November 18, 1959).

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On this day in 1912, Paramount Pictures Corporation was founded as Famous Players Film Company.

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Remembering Bob Clampett (May 8, 1913 – May 2, 1984), best known for his work on the Looney Tunes animated series from Warner Bros. Clampett directed 84 cartoons later deemed classic and designed some of the studio's most famous characters, including Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, and Tweety.

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Remembering Saul Bass (May 8, 1920 – April 25, 1996), the innovative graphic designer and Oscar-winning filmmaker, best known for his design of motion-picture title sequences, film posters, and corporate logos.

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Remembering Don Rickles (May 8, 1926 – April 6, 2017), the insult comedian aka "The Merchant of Venom" and "Mr. Warmth."

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On this date in 1962, the Broadway musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum had its first of 965 performances, winning six Tony Awards including Best Musical and Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical (Zero Mostel).

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Fifty years ago today, The Beatles' twelfth and final studio album, Let It Be, was released about a month after the group's breakup. The album spent four weeks atop the Billboard albums chart (June 13 - July 4) and has sold over four million copies since its initial release.

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Those were the days... on this date in 1980, the World Health Organization" confirmed the eradication of smallpox.

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Remembering Ricky Nelson (May 8, 1940 – December 31, 1985), who grew up on the long-running television series The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet where he became a pop star. His last hit, 1972's Garden Party, reached number six on the Billboard Hot 100. Nelson and six others were killed when his refurbished DC-3 aircraft crashed on December 31, 1985, on a "comeback tour."

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If 24/7 news coverage of the pandemic isn't enough, you can curl up with a book: Everything you ever wanted to know about pandemics in 'The End Of October'.

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Daniel and Valerie Zane, married 71 years, die two days apart. "He said that the end of Val's life was like being in the foxhole at the Battle of the Bulge, but even that was easier," Mr. Hettwer said. "He said that at least in war, you have all your soldiers around you. You have the camaraderie." Mr. Zane had always seemed to be a survivor. "We thought he would have more time with us," Robin Zane said. "In the end, it was almost as if she had said, 'I'm not going alone,' and as if he had said, 'You're not going alone.'"

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You're doing it wrong. Only 1 in 75 households are cooking chicken safely.

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Why stop with destroying the environment? Trump vows complete end of Obamacare law despite pandemic. While the president has said he will preserve some of the Affordable Care Act's most popular provisions, including guaranteed coverage for preexisting medical conditions, he has not offered a plan to do so, and his administration's legal position seeks to end all parts of the law, including those provisions. (That's because he's a pathological liar.)

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What else can Trump destroy upon which we all depend? Trump ally named next postmaster general. Louis DeJoy, who is currently overseeing fundraising for this year's Republican National Convention in Charlotte, N.C., will assume the post, the Postal Service's board of governors announced Wednesday.

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Americans died from covid-19 at the rate of about one every 42 seconds during the past month. That ought to keep any president awake at night. Not Donald Trump.

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"Confronted with America's worst public health crisis in generations, President Trump declared himself a wartime president. Now he has begun doing what past commanders have done when a war goes badly: Declare victory and go home."

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Three Russian doctors have fallen from hospital windows in two weeks, amid reports of dire conditions. The exact circumstances of the separate incidents in the last two weeks remain unclear and they are being investigated by police, but they underscore the enormous strains that Russian doctors and nurses have faced during the outbreak. Reports said two of the doctors had protested their working conditions and the third was being blamed after her colleagues contracted the virus.

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It's come to this: Cornhole Mania 2020 to Air on ESPN and ESPN2.

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3.2 million filed for unemployment benefits last week.

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New research shows a rise in food insecurity without modern precedent. Among mothers with young children, nearly one-fifth say their children are not getting enough to eat, according to a survey by the Brookings Institution, a rate three times as high as in 2008, during the worst of the Great Recession.

Things are getting really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.

Categories: ACA, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Arthur Q. Bryan, Associated Press, Bob Clampett, Brain-eating killer songbirds, CDC, Child Hunger, Children, Coca Cola, Cornhole, Covid-19, Daffy Duck, Donald Trump, Don Rickles, Elmer Fudd, EPA, ESPN, Existential Threats, Feeding America, Food, Food Stamps, Harry S. Truman, John Stith Pemberton, Justice Department, Let It Be, Looney Tunes, Michael Flynn, Obamacare, Paramount Pictures, Porky Pig, Post Office, Rick Nelson, SCOTUS, Seth Meyers, Smallpox, SNAP, Supreme Court, The Beatles, Tweety, Unemployment, USPS, W.H.O., Warner Bros, Wired, YouTube, Zero Mostel

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More insanity
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, June 27, 2018 @ 8:51 AM EDT

Jun 27 2018

Categories: Donald Trump, Seth Meyers, Supreme Court, Video, YouTube

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Signs of the Apocalypse, #911...
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, July 09, 2014 @ 9:30 AM EDT

Jul 09 2014

... when Jesse Ventura is the voice of reason:

This is simply the protection of religion, again, to gain its foothold into our state houses, and to inflict their beliefs on people like me that don't want to believe what they believe.

You listening to me out there? I don't want to believe what you believe, and you can't make me. And you never will. Enough of this.

You have your religion, you're free to practice it, but stop bringing it into the state house and stop trying to pass now federal laws that protect you.

When the churches start paying taxes, then the church can have a say so."

Categories: Church and State, First Amendment, Jesse Ventura, Religion, Signs of the Apocalypse, Supreme Court, Video, YouTube

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I think I see the problem here...
(permalink)

Published Sunday, July 06, 2014 @ 3:44 PM EDT

Jul 06 2014

Categories: Church and State, First Amendment, Religion, Supreme Court

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Happy Independence Day from Bizarro World
(permalink)

Published Friday, July 04, 2014 @ 3:20 PM EDT

Jul 04 2014

Where men are people, corporations are people, and women apparently just don't make the judicial cut...

Corporations are people, my friend. Women? Not so much.
-Erin Gloria Ryan

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This is the kind of ruling where you look at the dissent and you think, 'Oh yeah, this is definitely going to get overturned on appeal,' and then you realize 'Oh God, there's no appeal.'
-Rachel Maddow

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Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
-Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (dissenting):

In the Court’s view, RFRA demands accommodation of a for-profit corporation’s religious beliefs no matter the impact that accommodation may have on third parties who do not share the corporation owners’ religious faith- in these cases, thousands of women employed by Hobby Lobby and Conestoga or dependents of persons those corporations employ. Persuaded that Congress enacted RFRA to serve a far less radical purpose, and mindful of the havoc the Court’s judgment can introduce, I dissent...

...Religious organizations exist to foster the interests of persons subscribing to the same religious faith. Not so of for-profit corporations. Workers who sustain the operations of those corporations commonly are not drawn from one religious community. Indeed, by law, no religion-based criterion can restrict the work force of for-profit corporations... The distinction between a community made up of believers in the same religion and one embracing persons of diverse beliefs, clear as it is, constantly escapes the Court’s attention. One can only wonder why the Court shuts this key difference from sight...

The court, I fear, has ventured into a minefield.

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Justice Sonia Sotomayor (dissenting):

Those who are bound by our decisions usually believe they can take us at our word. Not so today.

Let me be absolutely clear: I do not doubt that Wheaton genuinely believes that signing the self-certification form is contrary to its religious beliefs. But thinking one's religious beliefs are substantially burdened... does not make it so. Not every sincerely felt 'burden' is a 'substantial' one, and it is for courts, not litigants, to identify which are.

The Court's actions in this case create unnecessary costs and layers of bureaucracy, and they ignore a simple truth: The Government must be allowed to handle the basic tasks of public administration in a manner that comports with common sense.

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The men who wrote this decision on behalf of the Supreme Court have entered into a war on women. They have become a blatantly political activist anti-women political organization. There are some [religious] beliefs that are so heinous that government should not respect them… Withholding basic health care from women is bigotry, plain and simple. We should not accept it, no matter how ‘sincerely’ the belief is held.
-Terry O'Neill, President, National Organization of Women

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Guess which justices supported corporations' refusal to pay for female contraceptives?

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It's good to know that the Supreme Court is dominated by the town elders from "Footloose."
-Frank Conniff

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John Fugelsang:

Supreme Court rules in #HobbyLobby case that religious preferences don't have to follow laws.
Your move, Rastafarians.

Hobby Lobby covers Viagra, not IUD; because a fertilized egg is clearly God's will but impotency clearly isn't.

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It may be time for some personal sidewalk counseling by liberals outside of Hobby Lobby doors.
-Susan Gardner

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KGB:

The U.S. Constitution and the Bible have a lot in common. Few people have read them in their entirety; they are quoted out of context and cherry-picked; their official interpreters wear robes and issue pronouncements that sometimes benefit an entitled few or discriminate against women and minorities; and their decrees and commandments are simply ignored when they interfere with the interests of those in power.

The Roberts court has certainly made history. Does the name Dred Scott ring a bell?

Let me see if I understand this: the Supreme Court upheld the Religion Freedom Restoration Act by allowing corporations, which the Court considers to be people, to force their religious beliefs upon those who do not share those beliefs. Ok. Got it. (facepalm)

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Re: today's Supreme Court cases: How many 2000 Nader voters still think it made no difference whether Bush or Gore won?
-@JeffGreenfield

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Pastafarian business owners free to deny coverage of celiac disease.
-@OmarJorge

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My corporation was Wiccan for 1-2 yrs after college and would only cover hyssop for purification and yarrow flower to dispel negative energy.
-@KenJennings

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Take away our sex ed, contraception, and access to abortions, then condemn us for having children, then make sure we get unfair wages so we can't support the children we have. Then take away the social safety net so we're totally screwed. Then call us irresponsible sluts.
-@Kelly Fineman

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@pourmecoffee:

Closely held 21,000 employee, 572 store $2.28 billion dollar retail craft store chains are people, my friend.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my Boss my benefits keep
He watches me through day and night
Telling me what's wrong and right
Amen

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Religious freedom is your freedom to live according to the dictates of my religion's misconceptions, no matter how wrong.
=Mary W. Matthews

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@LOLGOP:

Conservatives are fierce defenders of your freedom to practice their religion.

It's just a coincidence my religious liberty concerns only target women and gays. And you pointing that out violates my religious liberty.

A Christian business that takes a stand against divorcees would impress since Jesus actually, you know, mentioned divorce.

If corporations could have abortions, abortion would be tax deductible.

Work's tough now that my boss decided that coffee breaks actually cause abortions.

This birth control mandate violates my religious belief that Obama shouldn't be president.

If forcing you to provide a resource to your employees that they could use in way you find wrong is immoral, only slavery would be moral.

Be back in a few hours. Boss is making me get circumcised.

Newt Gingrich can now object to your birth control coverage on moral grounds. Rush Limbaugh. Donald Trump.
On moral grounds.

Categories: Church and State, First Amendment, Religion, Supreme Court

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Confused cats and founding superheroes
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, July 03, 2013 @ 12:40 AM EDT

Jul 03 2013

Categories: Supreme Court, WTF?

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Current events
(permalink)

Published Saturday, June 29, 2013 @ 12:36 AM EDT

Jun 29 2013

The Family Research Council is either adorably oblivious,
or their PR outfit is just plain evil.

Variations on a theme:

When this man smiles, a fairy dies:

Speaking of smiles:

(YouTube video: formerly captive ducks see water for the first time).

Categories: Animals, Cartoons, Church and State, Politics, Religion, Supreme Court, The New Yorker, Video, YouTube

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History repeats itself...
(permalink)

Published Thursday, June 28, 2012 @ 5:08 PM EDT

Jun 28 2012

Remember the good old days of television news, before you had to check several outlets to make certain they got the story correct?"

Categories: Barack Obama, News Media, Observations, Photo of the day, Politics, Supreme Court

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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Thursday, June 28, 2012 @ 1:04 PM EDT

Jun 28 2012

Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be "constitutional" does not make it so.
-Sen. Rand Paul, demonstrating his profound understanding of American government

Categories: Quotes of the day, Supreme Court

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This is no joke. This is what the Supreme Court did to U.S. elections.
(permalink)

Published Friday, January 13, 2012 @ 7:06 AM EST

Jan 13 2012

As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.

(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)

"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, 558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876 (January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment prohibits government from placing limits on independent spending for political purposes by corporations and unions. The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
-Wikipedia

By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."

The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.

And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.

Categories: Colbert Report, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Video, WTF?

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Political jokes of the week
(permalink)

Published Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 4:17 AM EDT

Sep 17 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court

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