Remember the good old days of television news, before you had to check several outlets to make certain they got the story correct?"
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Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted.
|Risking the wrath of the whatever
from high atop the thing since 1954.
Remember the good old days of television news, before you had to check several outlets to make certain they got the story correct?"
Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be
"constitutional" does not make it so.
-Sen. Rand Paul, demonstrating his profound understanding of American government
As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.
(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)
"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission,
558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876
(January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United
States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment
prohibits government from placing limits on independent
spending for political purposes by corporations and unions.
The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the
non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film
critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could
advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's
image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign
Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in
reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."
The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.
And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.
Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's
willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where
contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if
you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of
female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who
haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe
Arnold a favor.
A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat,
but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's
looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job
market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen
Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her
a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple.
He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a
Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who
passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a
sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in
question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet
larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most
Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page.
Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that
whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night
football on ESPN.
President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants
teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest
of us checking Facebook.
Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on
paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should
be someone else.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then
these people are struck by lightning.
President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then
explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half
A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an
exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.'
When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't
remember seeing him.'
In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire
her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties
you down and then flosses you.
Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the
president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan
to create jobs once he's elected president.
Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been
executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In
California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the
If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their
debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots.
That's something Kenyans would do.
The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum
won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President
Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up
55 percent over the last president.
His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony
Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education
if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it
would make it easier for her to be elected.
Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library
the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of
In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the
'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the
guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.'
When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States
down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came
out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the
way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about
Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual.
She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding
Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on
Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that
was outlawing dancing.
They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a
I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse.
He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons
Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian
immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The
only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a
Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe
it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a
Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas.
Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the
country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so
disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK,
let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener.
Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President
The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius.
Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
(This commentary by Elayne Boosler appeared in the Huffington Post in April of 2007 following the Virginia Tech shootings. As she noted yesterday on Facebook, "It's only worse since I wrote this piece.")
If 33 people were killed by apples instead of guns at Virginia Tech, there wouldn't be an apple left on the shelves or in the homes of this country until apples could be made safe. Screw your "constitutional right" to have an apple, there is something called the "greater good", and the good of the country takes precedence over your "interpretation" of any amendment in the now defunct anyway constitution. Just ask the spinach growers, and the people who love to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. And why do you always forget the words, "well regulated militia"?
2500 Children Left Behind
If 2500 children under the age of 17 were felled by apples instead of guns every year in America, there wouldn't be a congressman or senator left serving who took one penny from the National Apple Association. The shame and admonishment would be too great. And if there were even incremental steps to take to make apples safer, and even they were fought tooth and nail by your blood money National Apple Association, claiming the straw man of the "slippery slope" to "regulation", America might better see you for the mercenary and shameful organization you truly are.
We are getting tired of prying your guns out of your cold dead hands.
Here's a news flash for you gun waving "real Americans": It's not about guns. It's about money. Follow the money. The NRA raises hundreds of millions of dollars by convincing you they are fighting for your "rights". Wake up. It's a business. Just like any other business, except with the help of their bought off representatives, they are the only UNREGULATED consumer product in America. What do they sell? FEAR. Fear, fake patriotism, and fake bravado, just like their commander in chief, President Custer. You're being played.
With their hundreds of millions of dollars raised on the blood of murdered Americans, they pay themselves, they keep their product manufacturers flush, and they buy their government officials. They exist to convince you you need their product. And when sales slow, they target new markets. They market fear to women, then sell them "feminine little purse guns". They market to children. The cartoon character Joe Camel is banned, but sure shootin' Eddie Eagle is alive and well to shit again on Friday. (He teaches children "gun safety", meaning, he teaches children to use guns.)
We're Number One!!
The number of children under the age of 17 shot by guns in America every year is greater than the gun-related deaths of children in all the industrialized nations of the world COMBINED.
Here is the population of Japan: 127,463,611.
Here is the number of children killed by guns in Japan every year: 0.
A 2001 Centers for Disease Control (CDC) study found that in homicides among intimate partners, women are murdered more with guns than with all other means COMBINED.
In 2004, guns were most commonly used by males to murder their female partners.
A 2003 study found women living with a gun in the home were almost three times more likely to be murdered than women with no gun in the home.
"If we ban handguns only criminals will have guns." Well then let's not have any laws in America at all. No drug laws, no traffic laws, no laws at all, right? Duh.
"Cars kill people!!" Yes, cars kill people when something goes wrong. Guns are MADE to kill people. Handguns have one purpose, to kill people.
Stage Rule: If There is a Gun on the Wall in Act I, It Will Go Off in Act II.
Bush's Unmitigated Gall
I watched President Custer speak at the Virginia Tech memorial yesterday. How dare he "express condolences". How DARE he. Here is how his administration helped kill 33 people at Virginia Tech:
Passage of gun industry immunity bill. That's right, you can sue every industry in America, except gun manufacturers and dealers. Your family gets murdered by a madman? Tough.
Refusal to aid in renewal of federal assault weapons ban, even though the law had already been eviscerated by the gun industry. Get it? INDUSTRY.
Fighting background checks. The Virginia shooter had been committed to a mental institution. In Virginia that means you can't buy a gun. Oh yeah? Thank goodness the gun shop owner who sold it to him can't be sued.
The president does not support the police when citizens can have assault weapons.
The president does not support the police when citizens can have armor piercing bullets.
The president helps the terrorists when anyone can have a shoulder rocket launcher that can take a plane out of the sky. And I'm taking my shoes off at the airport?
The president helps the terrorists when he supports a ban on release of federal crime tracing data necessary to identify patterns in illegal gun trafficking.
The president helps the terrorists when he requires the ATF to immediately destroy gun sales records previously allowed to be kept for 90 days under Brady Bill background check.
We Found the WMD. They Are Here.
Guns are for cowards. You can kill from a distance. You are detached, removed. You don't get your hands dirty. You don't feel the life draining out of another human being in an eye to eye struggle, face to face, with your hands squeezing or beating soft, human, flesh, one on one. We had just as many disturbed, sick citizens in America in the last century as we do in this. The difference now is access to weapons of mass destruction. Anyone can have a gun. Anyone. It did not used to be like this. It's easy to kill now.
The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight
"Two Secret Service officers were injured yesterday after a gun held by another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House gate. The officers received wounds to face and leg."
"Vice President Cheney shoots hunting companion in the face."
So really, what chance do thousands of children a year have?
3,300 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last four years. 120,000 Americans have been shot to death in America in the last four years. Where is the outrage? If we can elect a new congress based on its commitment to end the war overseas, we can elect a congress committed to end the war here at home. End both wars.
Here's the Punchline
Today the supreme court overturned thirty years of supreme court precedent, and overturned the findings of six federal courts, to declare war on women, their health, their privacy, and their lives, by upholding a ban on dilation and curettage abortion that contains NO exception to preserve the health or SAVE THE LIFE of the woman. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, writing for the four dissenting justices, called the decision "alarming".
Wait for it...
President Custer - "Today's decision affirms that the Constitution does not stand in the way of the people's representatives enacting laws reflecting the compassion and humanity of America. This affirms the progress my administration has made to defend the 'sanctity of life'".
Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You
know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many
of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.
How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin
somehow made it through medical school.
-Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul
While criticizing President Obama during an interview on Good Morning
America this week, Rudy Giuliani said, "We had no domestic attacks
under Bush." You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where
people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the
The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations
from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah
Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.
What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking
about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended "Don't Ask, Don't
Tell," and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if
you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for
free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year
of your life.
Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they
believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I
think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better
about it already.
Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded
that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the
word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio
show, and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to
respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country.
But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show
considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality.
During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the
crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great
American speeches, right? "Four score and seven years ago," "Ask not
what your country can do for you," "I have a dream," and now, "My
daughters are both available."
One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked
to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said
it was "God's plan." So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an
over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's
working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years
ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions,
impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually
Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that
she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You
know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's
happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska.
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama
talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a
kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a
brain dead woman through an entire campaign.
-Bill Maher, on Obama's health care summit