Richard Bernard "Red" Skelton (July 18, 1913 – September 17, 1997) was an American entertainer best known for his national radio and television acts between 1937 and 1971 and as host of the television program The Red Skelton Show. Skelton, who has stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his work in radio and television, also appeared in vaudeville, films, nightclubs, and casinos, all while he pursued an entirely separate career as an artist. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Congress: Bingo with billions.
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
I left home because I was hungry.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking.
You know what I don't understand about a gas station? The cash box is out in the open, the office is out in the open, and they lock the restrooms.