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Published Saturday, March 19, 2016 @ 12:30 AM EDT
Mar 19 2016

A guy walks into a psychologist's convention with a banana in his pocket. When asked about the significance of this he says: well,they were all out of grapes.
-Bob Newhart

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-Joey Adams

A psychologist said to me, there are only two important questions you have to ask yourself. What do you really feel? And, what do you really want? If you can answer those two, you probably can leave your neuroses behind you.
-Harold Ramis

A psychopath is someone who enjoys hurting people. A sociopath is someone who enjoys controlling people. An abusive spouse is the best of both worlds.
-Craig Bruce

A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they're complex.
-S.N. Behrman

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'
-Larry Brown

Although both the natural and moral sciences seek to understand the objects of their observation, in natural science the purpose of this is to be able to control them better, whereas in moral science it is, or ought to be, to be better able to leave them alone. The morally proper aim of psychology, then, is self-control.
-Thomas Szasz

Although it was popular in the rest of the world, 'Psycho' was banned in France for fear it might inspire copycat showers.
-Craig Kilborn

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
-Variously attributed

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-Variously attributed

As a whole part of psychological education it needs to be remembered that a neurosis can be valuable; also that adjustment to a sick and insane environment is of itself not health but sickness and insanity.
-James Agee

Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.
-Dr. Douglas Busch

Death is psychosomatic.
-Charles Manson

Doubt is to certainty as neurosis is to psychosis. The neurotic is in doubt and has fears about persons and things; the psychotic has convictions and makes claims about them. In short, the neurotic has problems, the psychotic has solutions.
-Thomas Szasz

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam 'We're #1' finger.
-Dennis Miller

Every modern male has, lying at the bottom of his psyche, a large, primitive being covered with hair down to his feet.
-Robert Bly

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
-Variously attributed

For too long a time- for half a century, in fact- psychiatry tried to interpret the human mind merely as a mechanism, and consequently the therapy of mental disease merely in terms of technique. I believe this dream has been dreamt out. What now begins to loom on the horizon is not psychologized medicine but rather those of human psychiatry.
-Viktor Frankl

Half a psychiatrist's patients see him because they are married- the other half because they're not.
-Arnold H. Glasow

Human beings seem to be far more autonomous and self-governed than modern psychological theory allows for.
-Abraham Maslow

I can't help believing that these things that come from the subconscious mind have a sort of truth to them. It may not be a scientific truth, but it's psychological truth.
-Brian Aldiss

I cannot conceive how anybody in his right mind should go to a psychoanalyst.
-Vladimir Nabokov

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
-James Thurber

I don't believe in psychology. I believe in good moves.
-Bobby Fischer

I don't have any pet peeves. I have major, psychotic hatreds.
-George Carlin

I don't need a psychiatrist. I'm Catholic.
-Dorothy Killgallen

I sent my desk calendar to a psychiatrist. The schedule was insane.
-Carol Simpson

I spent my whole life helping my mother carry around her psychic trunks like a bitter bellhop. So a great load was lifted when she died, and my life was much easier.
-Anne Lamott

I studied criminology, sociology, deviant psychology, abnormal psychology, and went into show business.
-Dan Aykroyd

I think that you cannot eliminate religion from the psyche of mankind. If you suppress it in one form, it merely re-emerges in another form. You can not believe in God, but you still have to believe in something that gives meaning to your life, and shapes your sense of the world. Such a belief is religious.
-Michael Crichton

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'
-Jack Handey

I think when I went to psychoanalysis, I actually believed that people said what they meant. This was my whole problem.
-John Malkovich

If the psychic energies of the average mass of people watching a football game or a musical comedy could be diverted into the rational channels of a freedom movement, they would be invincible.
-Wilhelm Reich

If you agree with me on 9 out of 12 issues, vote for me. If you agree with me on 12 out of 12 issues, see a psychiatrist.
-Ed Koch

If you want to be a psychological novelist and write about human beings, the best thing you can do is to keep a pair of cats.
-Aldous Huxley

If you're gay and you can't hold hands, or you're black and you can't catch a taxi, or you're a woman and you can't go into the park, you are aware there's a menace. That's costly on a psychic level. The world should be striving to make all its members secure.
-Tony Kushner

In America all too few blows are struck into flesh. We kill the spirit here, we are experts at that. We use psychic bullets and kill each other cell by cell.
-Norman Mailer

Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts. But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.
-Daniel Keyes

It is characteristic of all movements and crusades that the psychopathic element rises to the top.
-Robert Lindner

It is curious how an age of public self-revelation, and of the use of psychological jargon, should also be an age when self-examination is rarely practised.
-Theodore Dalrymple

It is doubtless true that religion has been the world's psychiatrist throughout the centuries.
-Karl Menninger

It is very comforting to believe that leaders who do terrible things are, in fact, mad. That way, all we have to do is make sure we don't put psychotics in high places and we've got the problem solved.
-Tom Wolfe

It's disheartening to know that you live in a country that's just teeming with semi-literate, mediocre psychos.
-Henry Rollins

It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
-Bill Watterson (From the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes)

It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway. America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-Allen Ginsberg

Legislators and revolutionaries who promise equality and liberty at the same time are either psychopaths or mountebanks.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Lord, let me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
-Variously attributed

My unconscious knows more about the consciousness of the psychologist than his consciousness knows about my unconscious.
-Karl Kraus

Neurotic means he's not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he's even worse than my brother-in-law.
-Karl Menninger

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
-Rita Rudner

Never underestimate the power of psychosis.
-Variously attributed

No man is a hero to his wife's psychiatrist.
-Eric Berne

No psychic value can disappear without being replaced by another of equivalent intensity.
-Carl Jung

No very sharp line can be drawn between social psychology and individual psychology.
-George Herbert Mead

Not all who hesitate are lost. The psyche has many secrets in reserve. And these are not disclosed unless required.
-Joseph Campbell

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived lives of the parents.
-Carl Jung

One of the primary tests of the mood of a society at any given time is whether its comfortable people tend to identify, psychologically, with the power and achievements of the very successful or with the needs and sufferings of the underprivileged.
-Richard Hofstadter

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
-Brendan Behan

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.
-George Bernard Shaw

Personality problems may sometimes be loud protests against the crushing of one's psychological bones, of one's true inner nature.
-Abraham Maslow

Powerful men in particular suffer from the delusion that human beings have no memories. I would go so far as to say that the distinguishing trait of powerful men is the psychotic certainty that people forget acts of infamy as easily as their parents' birth.
-Stephen Vizinczey

Psychiatrists classify a person as neurotic if he suffers from his problems in living, and as psychotic if he makes others suffer.
-Thomas Szasz

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
-Variously attributed

Psychoanalysis is for hysterical pathological cases, not for silly rich American women who should be learning to darn socks.
-Sigmund Freud

Psychoanalysis is in essence a cure through love.
-Sigmund Freud

Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which regards itself as therapy.
-Karl Kraus

Psychoanalysis pretends to investigate the Unconscious. The Unconscious by definition is what you are not conscious of. But the Analysts already know what's in it. They should, because they put it all in beforehand. It's like an Easter Egg hunt.
-Saul Bellow

Psychoanalysts are not occupied with the minds of their patients; they do not believe in the mind but in a cerebral intestine.
-Bernard Berenson

Psychoanalysts seem to be long on information and short on application.
-Gene Fowler

Psychologists have hitherto failed to realize that imagination is a necessary ingredient of perception itself.
-Immanuel Kant

Psychology is as unnecessary as directions for using poison.
-Karl Kraus

Psychology is as useless as directions for using poison.
-Karl Kraus

Psychotherapy conquered what is in effect the human condition by annexing it in its entirety to the medical profession.
-Thomas Szasz

Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
-H.L. Mencken

Psychotics are consistently inconsistent. The essence of sanity is to be inconsistently inconsistent.
-Larry Wall

Psychotics build castles in the air. Neurotics live in them. And psychiatrists collect the rent.
-Variously attributed

Race has been much more devastating, but there's one psychological factor (that's different): Very few black kids have ever had to worry about telling their parents that they were black.
-Barney Frank (on homosexuality)

Recognizing the structure of your psychology doesn't mean that you can easily rebuild it.
-Dean Koontz

Since this is the age of science, not religion, psychiatrists are our rabbis, heroin is our pork, and the addict is the unclean person.
-Thomas Szasz

So long as men denounce each other as mentally sick (homosexual, addicted, insane, and so forth)- so that the madman can always be considered the Other, never the Self- mental illness will remain an easily exploitable concept, and Coercive Psychiatry a flourishing institution.
-Thomas Szasz

So many of the ideas on which our psychologists base their beliefs about human intelligence, memory, and learning are all wishful thinking.
-Daniel Keyes

Social psychology is especially interested in the effect which the social group has in the determination of the experience and conduct of the individual member.
-George Herbert Mead

Southerners have a genius for psychological alchemy. If something intolerable simply cannot be changed, driven away or shot they will not only tolerate it but take pride in it as well.
-Florence King

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.
-Alfred Hitchcock

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
-David Gerrold

The business of psychology is to tell us what actually goes on in the mind. It cannot possibly tell us whether the beliefs are true or false.
-Hastings Rashdall

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision. It pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.
-Mel Brooks

The madness of depression is, generally speaking, the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk. Soon evident are the slowed-down responses, near paralysis, psychic energy throttled back close to zero. Ultimately, the body is affected and feels sapped, drained.
-William Styron

The power of authority is never more subtle and effective than when it produces a psychological 'atmosphere' or 'climate' favorable to the life of certain modes of belief, unfavorable, and even fatal, to the life of others.
-Arthur James Balfour

The principal benefit acting has accorded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.
-Marlon Brando

The psychologist who famously remarked that chastity was the rarest of all sexual perversions might have added that Religion was the most common.
-Arthur C. Clarke

The refusal of free inquiry derives from an awareness of the fragility of the basis of religious faith; and since certainty is psychologically preferable to truth, the former often being willfully mistaken for the latter, anything that threatens certainty is anathematized with fury.
-Theodore Dalrymple

The Religious Right care more about what goes on before birth and after death than what happens in between. And that by any definition, is a psychosis.
-Variously attributed

The study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy. The study of self-actualizing people must be the basis for a more universal science of psychology.
-Abraham Maslow

The suppression of natural sexual gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural aggression, for example, becomes brutal sadism which then is an essential mass-psychological factor in imperialistic wars.
-Wilhelm Reich

The truth of faith cannot be confirmed by latest physical or biological or psychological discoveries- as it cannot be denied by them.
-Paul Tillich

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
-Terry Pratchett

There has always been violence in art. There is violence in the Bible, violence in Homer, violence in Shakespeare, and many psychiatrists believe that it serves as a catharsis rather than a model.
-Stanley Kubrick

There is an entire branch of psychology specializing in children who will not join the common madness.
-Robert Brault

There is an important idea in psychology: The 'just world theory,' which says that it is very important for us to convince ourselves that the world is just and things happen for a reason. That there is some elemental fairness in everything, which creates the illusion of justice.
-Malcolm Gladwell

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Bernard Williams

There is no psychology; there is only biography and autobiography.
-Thomas Szasz

This is not a psychotic episode. This is a cleansing moment of clarity.
-Paddy Chayefsky

This shattering recognition of our mortality is at the root of far more mental illness than I suspect even psychiatrists are aware.
-Stanley Kubrick

To be able to destroy with good conscience, to be able to behave badly and call your bad behavior 'righteous indignation'- this is the height of psychological luxury, the most delicious of moral treats.
-Aldous Huxley

Two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right. It's not logical; it's psychological.
-Stephen Covey

We exist on several different planes, and when we said nothing had any reason we were referring to the psychological and social plane.
-Eugene Ionesco

We have psychologized like the insane, who aggravate their madness in struggling to understand it.
-Charles Baudelaire

When I believe, I am crazy. When I don't believe, I suffer psychotic depression.
-Philip K. Dick

Write documentation as if it will be read by psychopaths who know where you live.
-Variously attributed


Categories: Psyched, Quotes of the day, Quotes on a topic


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