KGB Report

Mitt Romney is going to release his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.
–Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Quotes of the day

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The cynic in me sometimes thinks candidates and politicians behave this way because they know the game is rigged, the process is a charade, and it just doesn't make any difference who gets elected.

"All of this back and forth debate implies that there are really choices in this country- that we really have choices. It’s an illusion. There is no real choice... Americans are meant to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choice. You know what the choices are in this country? Paper or plastic, aisle or window, smoking or no smoking. These are your real choices. You don’t get to choose anything."
-George Carlin

Categories: Daily Show, George Carlin, Herman Cain, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Republicans, Rick Perry, Video

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"It's gotta be tough [for Republicans] to love America so much, but to hate almost three-quarters of the people living in it."
-Jon Stewart

("The Daily Show" assembles yet another brilliant set of hypocrisy-laden clippage.)

Categories: Allen West, Americans, Chris Christie, Class warfare, Climate Change, Congress, Conservatives, Corporate Welfare, Corporations, Corruption, Daily Show, Devin Nunes, Economy, Education, Eric Cantor, Family Research Council, Heritage Foundation, Hypocrisy, Jim DeMint, John Carter, John Thune, Kevin McCarthy (Representative), Lawyers, LGBT, Liberals, Louie Gohmert, Marco Rubio, Media and Advertising, Michele Bachmann, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Norm Coleman, Occupy Wall Streeet, Paul Ryan, Phil Gingrey, Planned Parenthood, Politics, Progressives, Public Employees, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Scott Brown, Steve King, Taxes, Teabaggers, Tea Party, Ted Poe, Unions, Video

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: About.com, Al Gore, Anderson Cooper, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, California, Chinese, CNN, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Deficit, Democrats, Dick Cheney, England, ESPN, Facebook, Founding Fathers, George W. Bush, Glen Rice, Healthcare, Immigration, Insurance, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John McCain, Larry The Cable Guy, Libya, Mexico, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Moammar Gadhafi, Movies, New York, NFL, Obesity, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Bunyan, Republicans, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, Secret Service, Slavery, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Taco Bell, Tea Party, Texas, The View, Thomas Jefferson, Tim Pawlenty, TiVo, Unemployment, Walt Disney, Wolf Blitzer

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

(YouTube video: The Republican debate in 45 seconds.)

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.
-Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-Conan O'Brien

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.
-Conan O'Brien

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.
-Conan O'Brien

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.
-Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.
-David Letterman

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
-David Letterman

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses three more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
-David Letterman

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.
-David Letterman

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type two diabetes.
-Jimmy Kimmel

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
-Jay Leno

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!"
–Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another five years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.
-Stephen Colbert

Categories: 9/11, About.com, Alaska, Animals, Arizona, AT&T, Barack Obama, Baseball, Benjamin Franklin, Beyonce, Birthdays, Childhood Obesity, Chinese, CIA, Conan O'Brien, Condoleezza Rice, Craig Ferguson, Dancing with the Stars, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Denny's, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, God, Hillary Clinton, Homeland Security, Hurricanes, Indecision 2012, India, Iowa, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John McCain, Labor Day, Late Night TV, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Moammar Gadhafi, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, NFL, Political Jokes of the Week, Presidential Debates, Religion, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Sarah Palin, Sports, Stephen Colbert, T-Mobile, TSA, Unemployment, USPS, WMD, WTF?, Yosemite Sam

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan O'Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan O'Brien

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan O'Brien

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert

In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon Stewart

If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in the back.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.
-Jay Leno

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay Leno

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan O'Brien

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy Fallon

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy Fallon

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert

We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.
-Jay Leno

Categories: About.com, Autocorrect, Barack Obama, Canada, Chinese, Church and State, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Democrats, Donald Trump, Economy, Energy, England, Facebook, Gary Busey, George W. Bush, God, Government, Iowa, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Kim Jong Il, Late Night TV, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Myspace, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, North Korea, Olympics, Paul Ryan, Political Jokes of the Week, Randy Travis, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, Tim Pawlenty, TV, Twitter

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"How did Libertarian Ron Paul become the thirteenth floor in a hotel?"-Jon Stewart

(The Daily Show video: "Even when the media does remember Ron Paul, it's only to reassure themselves that there's no need to remember Ron Paul."(04:20))

Categories: Chris Wallace, Daily Show, Gary Busey, Iowa, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Media and Advertising, Meet the Press, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Video, WTF?

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Categories: Mitt Romney, Twitter

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.
-Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien

Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon

Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen Colbert

New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan O'Brien

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno

Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon

S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno

I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno

Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.
-Jay Leno

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno

The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy Kimmel

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon

China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien

The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: About.com, Abstinence, Al Gore, Americans, Angelina Jolie, Antarctica, Arnold Schwarzenegger, AT&T, Banking and Credit, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Chinese, Climate Change, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Cuba, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Debt Ceiling, Deficit, Democrats, Donald Trump, Dow, Economy, Elections, England, Facebook, Federal Budget / Spending, Financial Melt Down, Florida, Government, Great Britain, Greece, Indecision 2012, In the news, Iowa, Islam, Italy, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Late Night TV, Levi Johnston, Liberals, Maria Shriver, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Piers Morgan, Rick Perry, Ringo Starr, Rush Limbaugh, S&P, Sarah Palin, Smurfs, Tea Party, Texas, Timothy Geithner, Verizon Wireless, Wall Street

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KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Mormons believe Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel on a hill, when everybody knows Moses got stone tablets from a burning bush on a mountain.

(Video: "Yaweh or No Way" - The Colbert Report)

"Only 71% approve of God's handling of creating the universe. That means for 29%, the infinite and unknowable everything isn't cutting' it." Which lends further credence to The KGB Batsh*t Constant.

Categories: Atheism, Barack Obama, Catholic Church, Chris Matthews, Christians/Christianity, Colbert Report, Elections, God, Islam, Jon Huntsman, Joseph Smith, KGB, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Moses, Religion, Stephen Colbert, The Batsh*t Constant, The Ten Commandments

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KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Strong, but contextually appropriate language. Turn down the volume or use your headphones. This one's definitely worth the time. Palin, Weiner, the Obamas and Mitt Romney are the subjects.

Categories: Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Birthers, Donald Trump, Elections, George W. Bush, Healthcare, Lady Gaga, Michelle Obama, Mitt Romney, New Rules, NSFW, Politics, Queen Elizabeth, Sarah Palin, Video

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KGB recommends godaddy.com.