Lewis McDonald Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 – March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South. Although he spent his early career as a newspaper sports writer and editor, becoming the sports editor of the Atlanta Journal at age 23, he is much better known for his humorous newspaper columns in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a popular stand-up comedian and lecturer. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit it that far.
Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night. (book title)
I come from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.
I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About a Quart Low. (book title)
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Naked for a Southern means you ain't got no clothes on. Nekkid means you ain't got no clothes on and you up to somethin'.
Never order barbeque in a place that also serves quiche.
Real estate agents are God's plague on mankind when locusts are out of season.
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
Shoot low, boys. They're ridin' Shetland ponies.
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
Women who drink white wine either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate, or redecorate your house; either way, it's expensive.
Writing a daily column is like being married to a nymphomaniac. The first two weeks is fun.