Judy Tenuta (b. November 7, 1956) is an American entertainer, actress, comedian, author, producer, and accordionist. She is noted for her brash onstage persona, alternating insult comedy with self- promotion as the "Love Goddess." (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
Have you ever dated someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.
I hate to talk about her behind her back, but its safer.
I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.
Just remember, if we didn't have college, we wouldn't have football. And if we didn't have football, we wouldn't have brain damage.
My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'Just wait.'
Oh, friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.