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Send in the clowns

Published Monday, January 05, 2015 @ 6:31 AM EST
Jan 05 2015

The 114th United States Congress begins today. To prepare you for the inevitable onslaught of political rhetoric, here's the master of language and comedy, George Carlin, airing his complaints.

"They speak, of course, with great caution, because they must take care not to actually say anything."

Taken from a May 19, 1999 appearance before the National Press Club, Carlin's observations are free of profanity, which make them shareable. Pass along the link: http://youtu.be/UJRSHqeu_WM


(January 5 is also the birthday of Konrad Adenour.)

Categories: Congress, George Carlin, Video, YouTube

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Sunday randomness

Published Sunday, July 28, 2013 @ 2:33 AM EDT
Jul 28 2013

Rehab is a failure if you come out of it and you're still a politician.
-Andy Borowitz

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
-George Carlin


First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead.
-Jimmy Carter

Categories: Andy Borowitz, Civil Rights, George Carlin, Jimmy Carter, Miscellany, Observations, Politics, Scouting

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Too hip for the room.

Published Friday, June 22, 2012 @ 12:00 AM EDT
Jun 22 2012

Quotes of the day- George Carlin:
George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist, actor and writer/author, who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums. (Click here for the full Wikipedia article)

(Click here for KGB Report's George Carlin category page.)

A consensus reality is often misleading.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

After the hurricane is gone, where do people put all that plywood?

Always do whatever's next.

An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees a glass half empty. I see a glass twice the size that it needs to be.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Don't you think its funny that all those tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

Environmentalists don't give a damn about the environment. All they are concerned with is getting more bike paths and Volvos.

Everything beeps now.

Evolution is slow. Smallpox is fast.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

Human beings are kind of interesting from birth until they reach the age of a year and a half. Then they are boring until they reach fifty. By that time they're either completely defeated and fucked up, which makes them interesting again, or they've learned how to beat the game, and that makes them interesting too.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

I don't have any pet peeves. I have major, psychotic hatreds.

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people.

I have as much authority as the Pope... I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I have yet to see a man getting a blow job yell “Stop, or I'll call the police.”

I hope nobody asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings to find out.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of these macho athletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who takes a job where you gotta puke first is my kind of guy.

I looked in the dictionary. Cleanliness is not next to godliness. Cleanliness is between claustrophobia and cleavage.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm the elder statesman of the New Wave.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

I've never been quarantined, but the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies?

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.

In Los Angeles there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called.

In the expression topsy-turvy, what exactly is meant by turvy?

In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

It's impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.

Jesus doesn't love you. However, He thinks you have a great personality.

Just because you get the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus leaves town.

May the Forces of Evil become confused on the way to your house.

More people write poetry than read it.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

“No comment” is a comment.

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One good reason for maintaining only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

People are okay taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number they tend to choose up sides and wear armbands.

People say when you die, you can't take it with you. Well, that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you.

People who drive faster than I do are maniacs, and people who drive slower than me are idiots.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

Some see the glass as half-empty; some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

That whole TGIF thing was cute for about an hour, and that was 65 years ago when someone first said it on the radio. Not cute anymore, time to start bombing these locations. TGI Fridays, if I had a place like that you know what I would call it? HSIOW, Holy Shit It's Only Wednesday. I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday all the time.

That's the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs.

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

The Christians are coming to get you. And they are not pleasant people.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

The only good thing to come out of religion is music.

The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. With those two things in place as firmly as they are, I don't see any hope for getting around them short of some sort of interesting cataclysm. So I root for a cataclysm, for its own sake, just as entertainment. I don't even care if it has a good result. We're circling the drain, and I just like seeing the circles get faster and shorter all the time.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The staus quo always sucks.

The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

The wrong two Beatles died first.

There is mileage, footage and yardage. Why is there no inchage?

There is no present. There is only the immediate future and the recent past.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Too hip for the room.
(What Carlin suggested for his epitaph.)

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an endangered plant?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When fascism comes to this country, it won't be wearing jackboots; it'll be wearing sneakers with lights in them, and it'll have a smiley face and a Michael Jordan T-shirt on.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you're given a front row seat.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the one group I never criticize? Politicians. Politicians are put there by the public. Garbage in, garbage out. You get the leadership you deserve.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Categories: George Carlin, Quotes of the day

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Quotes of the day

Published Wednesday, December 14, 2011 @ 12:01 AM EST
Dec 14 2011

George Washington (February 22, 1732 – December 14, 1799)

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

Citizens by birth or choice of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections.-The name of AMERICAN, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations.

Every post is honorable in which a man can serve his country.

Example, whether it be good or bad, has a powerful influence.

Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.

I am for free commerce with all nations; political connection with none; and little or no diplomatic establishment.

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.

It is infinitely better to have a few good men than many indifferent ones.

It is our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliances with any portion of the foreign world.

Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire, called conscience.

Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!

Observe good faith and justice towards all Nations; cultivate peace and harmony with all.

Of all the animosities which have existed among mankind, those which are caused by difference of sentiments in religion appear to be the most inveterate and distressing, and ought most to be deprecated.

Prosperity destroys fools and endangers the wise.

The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitutions of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole people, is sacredly obligatory upon all.

The common and continual mischiefs of the spirit of party are sufficient to make it the interest and duty of a wise people to discourage and restrain it.

There can be no greater error than to expect or calculate upon real favours from nation to nation.

To the efficacy and permanency of your Union, a Government for the whole is indispensable.

Undertake not what you can not perform, but be careful to keep your promises.

We have abundant reason to rejoice, that, in this land, the light of truth and reason has triumphed over the power of bigotry and superstition, and that every person may here worship God according to the dictates of his own heart.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
-George Carlin

Categories: George Carlin, Quotes of the day

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That dude's hammered.

Published Tuesday, November 01, 2011 @ 11:45 PM EDT
Nov 01 2011

The cynic in me sometimes thinks candidates and politicians behave this way because they know the game is rigged, the process is a charade, and it just doesn't make any difference who gets elected.

"All of this back and forth debate implies that there are really choices in this country- that we really have choices. It’s an illusion. There is no real choice... Americans are meant to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choice. You know what the choices are in this country? Paper or plastic, aisle or window, smoking or no smoking. These are your real choices. You don’t get to choose anything."
-George Carlin

Categories: Daily Show, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Video

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October 11, 1975

Published Tuesday, October 11, 2011 @ 10:39 AM EDT
Oct 11 2011

Classic George Carlin from the first episode of Saturday Night Live:

(NBC video: George Carlin's monologues on the first episode of SNL.)

Categories: George Carlin, SNL

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Rewriting history

Published Monday, August 29, 2011 @ 8:28 AM EDT
Aug 29 2011

[Texas] students will learn about the contributions of Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority. Maybe the students will read Falwell's claim that feminists and homosexuals were partially responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Phyllis Schlafly, the Heritage Foundation and the NRA are all included. Students will also be required to "discuss the meaning of 'In God We Trust.'"

History in Texas classrooms will be decidedly different from when we were students. I never learned "both the positive and negative impacts of... country and western music" in my high school history class. Where would you rate Estée Lauder in terms of historical importance to our country? If you think she is one of the 68 most important historical figures, you agree with the board. Yes, the board included her in the state curriculum, but not George Washington.

I also never learned that the findings of the House Committee on Un-American Activities were confirmed, perhaps because it is not true. It puts teachers in an awkward position by asking them to teach something that is historically inaccurate. I will not have to deal with that issue in some of my classes because my Advanced Placement U.S. History classes are not required to follow the state curriculum. I am guessing that the Texas Education Agency realizes that students could never pass national exams while learning the state-mandated curriculum.

(Full article here)

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
-George Carlin

Categories: George Carlin, History, Music

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Last words

Published Sunday, August 21, 2011 @ 4:16 PM EDT
Aug 21 2011

Whoopi Goldberg, Jerry Stiller, Anne Meara, Ben and Amy Stiller, Lewis Lapham, Kevin Smith, Dylan Brody, Kelly Carlin, Tony Hendra, Patrick Carlin, Floyd Abrams, and Louis C.K. eulogize Geoege Carlin at a New York Public Library event celebrating the release of his autobiography, "Last Words."

It's well worth the hour and 44 minutes of your time. There's an accurate transcript also available here.

"Sliding headfirst down a vagina with no clothes on and landing in the freshly shaven crotch of a screaming woman did not seem to be part of God’s plan for me, at least not at first."
-George Carlin, "Last Words"

Categories: George Carlin, Video

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Lactate Intolerance

Published Friday, August 12, 2011 @ 2:05 AM EDT
Aug 12 2011

(Daily Show video, in which Jon Stewart again highlights conservative hypocrisy.)

The Daily Show's crack research team comes through again. Don't those idiots at Fox realize they save the tapes?!

The full hypocritical comment Kelly made was:

"The United States is the only country in the advanced world that doesn't require paid maternity leave. Now I happen to work for a nice employer that gave me paid leave. But the United States is the only advanced country that doesn't require paid leave. If anything, the United States is in the dark ages when it comes to maternity leave. And what is it about carrying a baby for nine months, that you don't think deserves a few months off so bonding and recovery can take place, hmm?"

As Jon Stewart noted, "This is the problem with entitlements. They're really only entitlements when they're something other people want. When it's something you want, they're a hallmark of a civilized society, the foundation of a great people. I just had a baby and found out maternity leave strengthens society. But since I still have a job, unemployment benefits are clearly socialism. To put it more simply, [cut to George Carlin clip] Have you noticed their stuff is sh*t, and you sh*t is stuff?"

Mrs, "It's not an entitlement if I want it" is right about one thing: the way the United States treats parents is barbaric, compared to other countries.

Categories: Daily Show, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Video

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October 11, 1975

Published Monday, October 11, 2010 @ 11:15 AM EDT
Oct 11 2010

35 years ago today, Saturday Night Live debuts with guest host George Carlin.

Categories: George Carlin, SNL

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Published Monday, May 31, 2010 @ 3:18 PM EDT
May 31 2010

(Warning: strong language.)

Fot the past couple weeks we've been preparing to move back to our house in South Park. The hardest part of the move? Getting rid of stuff.

And I mean a lot of stuff. Most of the house was cleared when we moved out here to Fayette City, but lots remained. Like a 24-year old, 32-inch, 250 pound non-functioning direct view CRT television, old toys, accumulated souvenirs and other debris- over 200 square feet, stacked two boxes high in some places.

For the past several days, I've been tackling the garage. We've hauled a ton and a hundred thousand of dollars worth of stuff that have accumulated over the past two decades. I'm talking original cost, of course; computer equipment depreciates like unrefrigerated milk. Roughly 20 obsolete computer systems, miles of cables, RS-232 25-pin connectors and switchboxes, and some items even I couldn't even identify. I hope the Goodwill computer center has an archaeologist on staff. I doubt any of them has ever seen an 8" hard-sectored Vydec floppy disk or a horizontal auto-loading 9-track 6250 bpi SCSI tape drive.

Getting rid of stuff is a liberating experience. Still, there were some items I just couldn't toss. My collection of DEC Professional and VAX Professional magazines. The acrylic lightbulb paperweight I've had for 37 years. Some yearbooks. Things the kids made for me when they were little.

That stuff is now tucked away in the storage compartment under the cellar steps, where someday someone will, undoubtedly, toss it into a dumpster without second thought.

Now we get to move, and fill up the garage again. Life is a circle, indeed.

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