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Quote of the day
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Published Wednesday, July 10, 2013 @ 3:41 PM EDT
Jul 10 2013

Texas just passed a law that says life begins at "Can I buy you a drink?"
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Tweet of the day
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Published Friday, December 14, 2012 @ 8:07 AM EST
Dec 14 2012


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Twitter


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Observations, Debate-a-Palooza Edition
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Published Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 11:39 PM EDT
Oct 22 2012

From social media, collected in real time during the debate:

Elayne Boosler:

“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.

Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.

Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.

Wait. Is this a rerun?

He's gonna ask his parents for the money.

Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.

Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?

We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!

Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.

Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.

---------

Albert Brooks:

Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.

Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.

Even Syria is bored with this debate.

Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”

The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.

A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.

I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.

Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.

Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.

This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.

Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.

If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.

Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.

Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.

---------

John Fugelsang:

It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.

“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.

“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later

“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.

If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.

Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.

Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.

”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.

Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.

It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.

Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.

Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.

Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy

Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.

I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”

Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.

Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.

Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.

Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.

Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.

“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.

Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch

Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.

---------

Andy Borowitz:

Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”

Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”

Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.

If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.

Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”

When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.

We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.

Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”

Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”

Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”

Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”

---------

Beachwood Reporter

Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.

“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”

“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.

---------

Bill Maher:

Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.

“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

---------

Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.

---------

Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

---------

The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America


Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette


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Quotes of the day: RNC edition
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Published Friday, August 31, 2012 @ 10:22 AM EDT
Aug 31 2012

I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..." -The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and reproductive rights.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Clint Eastwood, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Elayne Boosler, George Takei, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, August 30, 2012 @ 10:46 AM EDT
Aug 30 2012

A new book on the Bin Laden killing proves that the 2,974 people killed at the World Trade Center on 9/11 weren't armed.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Happy birthday, Elayne!
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Published Saturday, August 18, 2012 @ 7:02 AM EDT
Aug 18 2012

(Elayne Boosler in Kuwait earlier this week, on a USO tour.)

Happy birthday to a brilliant comedian, animal activist, lovely lady and all-around swell person, Elayne Boosler. Visit her website, as well as Tails of Joy, the charity she runs that raises funds for the smallest and neediest- as well as most effective- annimal rescue organizations.

Some of Elayne's funniest lines follow... better yet, click here for Elayne's own KGB Report page.

-----

Computers are such time-saving devices. In fact, I've just spent the last three years trying to print out an envelope.

Every time I fly, they x-ray my shoes. Let me ask you a question: what woman is going to blow up her shoes?

Getting old has its advantages. I used to have to buy pot, now I get it from friends with arthritis.

I buy Hustler because I like to hide The New York Post in something on the way home.

I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.

I don't do a feminist act. I'm a human being trapped in a woman's body.

I have gone from day of the week underwear to day of the week pill dispensers.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Mr. Right is now a guy who hasn't been laid in fifteen years.

My ancestors wandered through the wilderness for 40 years because even in Biblical times, men would not stop to ask directions.

My friend has two dogs, a Shi Tzu and a Shar Pei. She named them Fluff and Fold.

The last time I was going to the hairdresser to get my roots done, my dog gave me a sad look for leaving the house again. I said to him, “If you could see color, you'd know where I was going.”

The latest fad, giving birth under water, may be less traumatic for the baby, but it's more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

The Vatican is against surrogate motherhood. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

There's only one right way to lose weight: vodka and cigarettes.

We should pass a new law. Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. “I've developed a vaccine, and I'd like to show you my breasts.” Go ahead, you've earned it.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

You know you're getting fat when you step on your dog's tail and he dies.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Observations of the day
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Published Tuesday, June 26, 2012 @ 5:45 AM EDT
Jun 26 2012

From Twitter:

"Sandusky Still Says He's Not Guilty." If this was the church he'd be coaching at another school.
-Elayne Boosler

Arizona could solve its immigration problem if they posted pictures of Jan Brewer at the border.
-Andy Borowitz

I'm thinking of becoming a corporation so that the Supreme Court will consider me a person.
-Andy Borowitz

Remember, no matter what the Supreme Court justices decide about government healthcare, they'll still have it.
-Andy Borowitz

At the end of every ad, candidates should be required to say what they promised the crazy billionaire who paid for it.
-Andy Borowitz

The Supreme Court Justices who made Bush president can't possibly be concerned about the nation's health.
-Andy Borowitz

I love the smell of the universe in the morning.
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Personally, I'm waiting for Dwight Eisenhower vs. The Predator.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Elayne Boosler, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Observations, Quotes of the day, Twitter


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America Classic
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Published Friday, May 25, 2012 @ 3:35 AM EDT
May 25 2012

We’re going to start a new country, where upward mobility and education doesn’t make us the elites, it restores the American dream- and all of us accepted. And you know what we’re going to call it? "America Classic." - Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, U.S. Constitution, Video


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Quote of the day
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Published Wednesday, November 16, 2011 @ 12:04 AM EST
Nov 16 2011

God told me not to vote for any of the GOP candidates.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, October 21, 2011 @ 11:29 AM EDT
Oct 21 2011

Every time I fly, they x-ray my shoes. Let me ask you a question: what woman is going to blow up her shoes?
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Potential t-shirt of the day
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Published Wednesday, September 14, 2011 @ 7:21 AM EDT
Sep 14 2011

Republicans: They'll Take Care of You 'Til the Day You're Born.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, T-shirt of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, April 08, 2011 @ 5:19 AM EDT
Apr 08 2011

As soon as the government shuts down, let's change the locks.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Monday, February 28, 2011 @ 5:58 AM EST
Feb 28 2011

Getting old just means you buy your drugs indoors.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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We Are Getting Tired of Prying Your Guns out of Your Cold Dead Hands
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Published Sunday, January 09, 2011 @ 12:09 AM EST
Jan 09 2011

(This commentary by Elayne Boosler appeared in the Huffington Post in April of 2007 following the Virginia Tech shootings. As she noted yesterday on Facebook, "It's only worse since I wrote this piece.")

If 33 people were killed by apples instead of guns at Virginia Tech, there wouldn't be an apple left on the shelves or in the homes of this country until apples could be made safe. Screw your "constitutional right" to have an apple, there is something called the "greater good", and the good of the country takes precedence over your "interpretation" of any amendment in the now defunct anyway constitution. Just ask the spinach growers, and the people who love to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. And why do you always forget the words, "well regulated militia"?

2500 Children Left Behind

If 2500 children under the age of 17 were felled by apples instead of guns every year in America, there wouldn't be a congressman or senator left serving who took one penny from the National Apple Association. The shame and admonishment would be too great. And if there were even incremental steps to take to make apples safer, and even they were fought tooth and nail by your blood money National Apple Association, claiming the straw man of the "slippery slope" to "regulation", America might better see you for the mercenary and shameful organization you truly are.

We are getting tired of prying your guns out of your cold dead hands.

Here's a news flash for you gun waving "real Americans": It's not about guns. It's about money. Follow the money. The NRA raises hundreds of millions of dollars by convincing you they are fighting for your "rights". Wake up. It's a business. Just like any other business, except with the help of their bought off representatives, they are the only UNREGULATED consumer product in America. What do they sell? FEAR. Fear, fake patriotism, and fake bravado, just like their commander in chief, President Custer. You're being played.

With their hundreds of millions of dollars raised on the blood of murdered Americans, they pay themselves, they keep their product manufacturers flush, and they buy their government officials. They exist to convince you you need their product. And when sales slow, they target new markets. They market fear to women, then sell them "feminine little purse guns". They market to children. The cartoon character Joe Camel is banned, but sure shootin' Eddie Eagle is alive and well to shit again on Friday. (He teaches children "gun safety", meaning, he teaches children to use guns.)

We're Number One!!

The number of children under the age of 17 shot by guns in America every year is greater than the gun-related deaths of children in all the industrialized nations of the world COMBINED.

Here is the population of Japan: 127,463,611.

Here is the number of children killed by guns in Japan every year: 0.

A 2001 Centers for Disease Control (CDC) study found that in homicides among intimate partners, women are murdered more with guns than with all other means COMBINED.

In 2004, guns were most commonly used by males to murder their female partners.

A 2003 study found women living with a gun in the home were almost three times more likely to be murdered than women with no gun in the home.

"If we ban handguns only criminals will have guns." Well then let's not have any laws in America at all. No drug laws, no traffic laws, no laws at all, right? Duh.

"Cars kill people!!" Yes, cars kill people when something goes wrong. Guns are MADE to kill people. Handguns have one purpose, to kill people.

Stage Rule: If There is a Gun on the Wall in Act I, It Will Go Off in Act II.

Bush's Unmitigated Gall

I watched President Custer speak at the Virginia Tech memorial yesterday. How dare he "express condolences". How DARE he. Here is how his administration helped kill 33 people at Virginia Tech:

Passage of gun industry immunity bill. That's right, you can sue every industry in America, except gun manufacturers and dealers. Your family gets murdered by a madman? Tough.

Refusal to aid in renewal of federal assault weapons ban, even though the law had already been eviscerated by the gun industry. Get it? INDUSTRY.

Fighting background checks. The Virginia shooter had been committed to a mental institution. In Virginia that means you can't buy a gun. Oh yeah? Thank goodness the gun shop owner who sold it to him can't be sued.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have assault weapons.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have armor piercing bullets.

The president helps the terrorists when anyone can have a shoulder rocket launcher that can take a plane out of the sky. And I'm taking my shoes off at the airport?

The president helps the terrorists when he supports a ban on release of federal crime tracing data necessary to identify patterns in illegal gun trafficking.

The president helps the terrorists when he requires the ATF to immediately destroy gun sales records previously allowed to be kept for 90 days under Brady Bill background check.

We Found the WMD. They Are Here.

Guns are for cowards. You can kill from a distance. You are detached, removed. You don't get your hands dirty. You don't feel the life draining out of another human being in an eye to eye struggle, face to face, with your hands squeezing or beating soft, human, flesh, one on one. We had just as many disturbed, sick citizens in America in the last century as we do in this. The difference now is access to weapons of mass destruction. Anyone can have a gun. Anyone. It did not used to be like this. It's easy to kill now.

The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight

"Two Secret Service officers were injured yesterday after a gun held by another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House gate. The officers received wounds to face and leg."

"Vice President Cheney shoots hunting companion in the face."

So really, what chance do thousands of children a year have?

3,300 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last four years. 120,000 Americans have been shot to death in America in the last four years. Where is the outrage? If we can elect a new congress based on its commitment to end the war overseas, we can elect a congress committed to end the war here at home. End both wars.

Here's the Punchline

Today the supreme court overturned thirty years of supreme court precedent, and overturned the findings of six federal courts, to declare war on women, their health, their privacy, and their lives, by upholding a ban on dilation and curettage abortion that contains NO exception to preserve the health or SAVE THE LIFE of the woman. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, writing for the four dissenting justices, called the decision "alarming".

Wait for it...

President Custer - "Today's decision affirms that the Constitution does not stand in the way of the people's representatives enacting laws reflecting the compassion and humanity of America. This affirms the progress my administration has made to defend the 'sanctity of life'".


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Second Amendment, Supreme Court


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, December 19, 2010 @ 11:28 PM EST
Dec 19 2010

"GOP Rep: I'll Hold Hearings On Radical Islam." Let's hope the entire GOP is present, and it involves cartoons.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, September 03, 2010 @ 3:34 AM EDT
Sep 03 2010

‎"'Hurricane Earl Headed for New Jersey.' Isn't this about the time Pat Robertson says God sent it there to punish them for 'Jersey Shore'?"
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, April 29, 2010 @ 7:50 AM EDT
Apr 29 2010

"NY-Based Makers Of AriZona Tea Caught Up In Misguided Boycott." Oh no! That's what happens when you name your product after another place, as learned the hard way by the old Auschwitz Ice Cream Company.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, April 01, 2010 @ 4:34 PM EDT
Apr 01 2010

I'm for free speech and bad tv. But having Sarah Palin host a WILDLIFE show is like going to Hitler's house for Passover.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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Things that make you wonder, #214
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Published Monday, March 08, 2010 @ 3:20 AM EST
Mar 08 2010

Comedienne Elayne Boosler asked on her Facebook page, "Is there yet born a producer bold enough, brave enough, radical enough, to produce an awards show without steps onstage? So women in model airplane stand shoes aren't shaking by the time they speak? Do they think we care how people in show business look going down steps? 'Hey! Mollie Ringwald nailed 'em! I give it a 10!'"

I think it's the awards show equivalent of NASCAR. You know most of what you're watching will be mind-numbingly boring, but you're secretly hoping there'll be a spectacular crash.


Categories: Elayne Boosler


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