A new study says 70 percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. If
you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta.
... and today's youth know the difference...
I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.
We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster
I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC
speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping.
In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of
the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and
Thirty percent of online traffic is porn, according to
The New England Journal of Underestimating Things.
The fear of not being able to buy guns during a second Obama term leads to Americans buying so many guns that now they can't buy any guns, just like they feared.
(Colbert Report video.)
As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.
(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)
"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission,
558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876
(January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United
States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment
prohibits government from placing limits on independent
spending for political purposes by corporations and unions.
The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the
non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film
critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could
advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's
image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign
Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in
reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."
The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.
And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.
"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"
(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)
"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?
"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."
But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:
(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)
Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out
the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would
have been made in China. USA! USA!
Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or
longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people
interested in his house.
Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come
down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen,
she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and
Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come
down to who wears the most flag pins.
Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he
wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to
fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was
Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that
everyman quality that we can all relate to.
Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in
front. Because he's the one with the gun.
There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry
campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as
church and state under a Perry Administration.
It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get
a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your
Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is
your Ron Paul?'
Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire.
He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we
owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said
he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,'
and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25
shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me.
You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing
inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan,
calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from
the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out
the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this
excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin'
Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president.
Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even
they don't know who he is.
Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight
DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch
criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested,
while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got
4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who
doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to
spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry
will get his supporter.
In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo.
Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to
do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by
paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000
tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes
she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million
voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet
He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex
Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it
with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and
then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into
the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the
anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the
fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in
Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no,
but her husband is.
President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three
states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner
was? Anyone that didn't watch.
Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because
there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast
Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice.
They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the
country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to
911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar!
Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many
of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's
ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with
reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer,
Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left
a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it
could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright
side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made
$2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions,
they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be
our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and
today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's
off his meds.
Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on
vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know
what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to
live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you
used to have money.
President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating
should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of
urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the
congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do?
You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes
them all the money.
Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting
married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People
are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the
hard way, without a soccer game.
Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he
received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother
of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you
didn't know existed" vote.
A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more
Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live
without eight shows about cakes.
Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a
sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very
unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she
dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go
into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President
she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a
little so he could get both nipples.
Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip
recession. That sounds delicious to me.
Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy
a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read
words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's
elected president, she won't read words.
The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming
Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall
from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting
to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try
to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray
Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived
Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived
'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked.
They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely
reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for
Type 2 diabetes.
'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's
about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First
they form political groups called Tea Parties.
Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots
are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida.
She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and
started swimming in the other direction.
Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if
the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances
Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost
woke up some of the people in the audience.
Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential
race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from
Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much
damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused
him of doing the same thing.
The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say
is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles,
-Daily Show tweet
S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse.
Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign.
He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private
sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the
private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It
must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw
poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of,
the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of
It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of
Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President
Obama's economic team.
The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only
one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them
President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still
a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high.
Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing
and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have
sex with it.
Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday
night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it,
'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a
new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from
'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So
maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the
The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America.
My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan
can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
Mormons believe Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel on a hill, when everybody knows Moses got stone tablets from a burning bush on a mountain.
(Video: "Yaweh or No Way" - The Colbert Report)
"Only 71% approve of God's handling of creating the universe. That means for 29%, the infinite and unknowable everything isn't cutting' it." Which lends further credence to The KGB Batsh*t Constant.
(Clip via Comedy Central)
"I could not have said a random string of words better."-Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert offers advice to MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski about her apparent "Palin Fatigue":
I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah Palin's name in the headlines for another news cycle.
I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue, and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with words picked up at random from a thesaurus.
I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who'll abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include possible insurrectionists.
I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike and at the same time I know you believe it also represents the pinnacle of her potential, and that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago, that there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants.
And I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin will at long last shut up for ten f**king minutes.
Sarah Palin knows now is not the time to determine ground elevation. (Might Lead To High Road)
Colbert masterfully exposes conservative intellectual dishonesty and hypocrisy, and underscores the danger of angering a truly devout Sunday School teacher from New Jersey.
"Now what I like best about Bill [O'Reilly]'s argument is its complete factual inaccuracy. Because it would be inconvenient to guys like us to repeat what Jesus actually said. For instance, if someone wants your coat, give them your cloak as well. Rich people should sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor. Plus, the fact is, Jesus was way beyond self-destructive... he was self-sacrificial. I mean, the guy is God. He could have floated off that cross like Criss Angel Mindfreak. And I love, I love how Bill closes with "The Lord helps those who help themselves," kind of implying that Jesus said that, when it was actually Ben Franklin, who I believe belched out that proverb between mouthfuls of French whore."
"It's time to take baby Jesus out of the manger. Replace him with something that's easier to swallow. How about a honey-baked ham? Because if this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition... and then admit that we just don't want to do it."
|The Colbert Report||Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Moral Compass 5000 Action Center|
If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true.
Through repetition, something becomes true, if you repeat it enough
until it becomes true. Do I need to repeat that for you?