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Exchange of the day
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Published Wednesday, April 23, 2014 @ 9:59 AM EDT
Apr 23 2014

Conservative pundit and author George Will was plugging his new book about Wrigley Field on The Colbert Report last night, and jokingly made the claim that the Chicago Cubs won the Cold War.

George Will: In 1919, William Wrigley bought Catalina Island off Southern California. In 1921 the Cubs began to do spring training there. In 1937 a Des Moines, Iowa radio broadcaster named Dutch Reagan decided he would go out and cover spring training for his radio station. He took a movie test with Warner Brothers, became an actor, became President of the United States, and won the Cold War... therefore, the Cubs get credit for winning the Cold War.

Stephen Colbert: By that same logic, did not the Chicago Cubs also sell arms to Iran?


Categories: Colbert Report, Exchange of the day, George F. Will, Politics, Sports, Stephen Colbert


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Observation of the day
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Published Friday, December 20, 2013 @ 9:48 AM EST
Dec 20 2013

So we're dealing with the "free speech" stuff again.

The First Amendment says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The First Amendment guarantees that the government can't control your speech.

It doesn't guarantee you freedom from the consequences of your speech.

The government won't punish you for posting on Facebook that your wife's new Christmas dress makes her ass look fat.

It doesn't have to.

>

"I'll tell you who I feel sorry for, folks... A&E. With this controversy, they may have just lost Duck Dynasty's massive black and gay audience."
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, KGB Opinion, Observations, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Observation of the day
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Published Thursday, September 05, 2013 @ 4:58 PM EDT
Sep 05 2013


Categories: Colbert Report, Observations, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, June 21, 2013 @ 7:35 AM EDT
Jun 21 2013

A new study says 70 percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Goodbye...
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Published Thursday, June 20, 2013 @ 7:24 AM EDT
Jun 20 2013

Stephen Colbert honors his late mother.


Categories: Colbert Report, Passages, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Real fake news is better than fake real news...
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Published Wednesday, September 05, 2012 @ 7:37 AM EDT
Sep 05 2012

... and today's youth know the difference...


Categories: Barack Obama, CNN, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Politics, Stephen Colbert


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Quotes of the day: RNC edition
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Published Friday, August 31, 2012 @ 10:22 AM EDT
Aug 31 2012

I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..." -The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and reproductive rights.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Clint Eastwood, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Elayne Boosler, George Takei, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Wednesday, April 11, 2012 @ 9:58 AM EDT
Apr 11 2012

Thirty percent of online traffic is porn, according to The New England Journal of Underestimating Things.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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The Barack Obama Gun Control Conspiracy
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Published Thursday, March 29, 2012 @ 2:05 AM EDT
Mar 29 2012

The fear of not being able to buy guns during a second Obama term leads to Americans buying so many guns that now they can't buy any guns, just like they feared.

(Colbert Report video.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Politics, Second Amendment, Stephen Colbert


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This is no joke. This is what the Supreme Court did to U.S. elections.
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Published Friday, January 13, 2012 @ 7:06 AM EST
Jan 13 2012

As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.

(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)

"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, 558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876 (January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment prohibits government from placing limits on independent spending for political purposes by corporations and unions. The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
-Wikipedia

By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."

The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.

And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.


Categories: Colbert Report, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Video, WTF?


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Newt's big ideas
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Published Wednesday, December 14, 2011 @ 11:55 PM EST
Dec 14 2011

"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"

(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)

"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?

"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."

But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:

(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, August 20, 2011 @ 12:22 AM EDT
Aug 20 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan O'Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan O'Brien

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan O'Brien

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert

In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon Stewart

If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in the back.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.
-Jay Leno

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay Leno

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan O'Brien

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy Fallon

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy Fallon

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert

We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.
-Jay Leno


Categories: Church and State, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, August 13, 2011 @ 12:14 AM EDT
Aug 13 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.
-Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien

Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon

Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen Colbert

New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan O'Brien

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno

Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon

S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno

I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno

Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.
-Jay Leno

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno

The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy Kimmel

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon

China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien

The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien


Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart


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More evidence for The KGB Batsh*t Constant
(permalink)

Published Thursday, August 11, 2011 @ 8:12 AM EDT
Aug 11 2011

Mormons believe Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel on a hill, when everybody knows Moses got stone tablets from a burning bush on a mountain.

(Video: "Yaweh or No Way" - The Colbert Report)

"Only 71% approve of God's handling of creating the universe. That means for 29%, the infinite and unknowable everything isn't cutting' it." Which lends further credence to The KGB Batsh*t Constant.


Categories: Colbert Report, KGB, Stephen Colbert


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The stupid, it hurts.
(permalink)

Published Monday, June 06, 2011 @ 4:10 PM EDT
Jun 06 2011


(Clip via Comedy Central)

"I could not have said a random string of words better."-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert, Video, WTF?, YouTube


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Now THIS is political theater...
(permalink)

Published Friday, May 20, 2011 @ 3:41 PM EDT
May 20 2011

John Lithgow performs Newt Gingrich's latest press release.

Really.


Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Rick Santorum's "Google Problem"
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, February 22, 2011 @ 5:22 PM EST
Feb 22 2011


Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert


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Colbert nails it again...
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, January 19, 2011 @ 1:31 PM EST
Jan 19 2011

Stephen Colbert offers advice to MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski about her apparent "Palin Fatigue":

I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah Palin's name in the headlines for another news cycle.

I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue, and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with words picked up at random from a thesaurus.

I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who'll abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include possible insurrectionists.

I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike and at the same time I know you believe it also represents the pinnacle of her potential, and that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago, that there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants.

And I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin will at long last shut up for ten f**king minutes.


Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert


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Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Angriness
(permalink)

Published Sunday, January 16, 2011 @ 2:12 PM EST
Jan 16 2011

Sarah Palin knows now is not the time to determine ground elevation. (Might Lead To High Road)


Categories: Colbert Report, First Amendment, Second Amendment, Stephen Colbert, Video


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"There must be a God, because I don't know how things work."
(permalink)

Published Saturday, January 08, 2011 @ 12:02 AM EST
Jan 08 2011


Categories: Colbert Report, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Colbert reclaims Christianity
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Published Friday, December 17, 2010 @ 12:12 PM EST
Dec 17 2010

Colbert masterfully exposes conservative intellectual dishonesty and hypocrisy, and underscores the danger of angering a truly devout Sunday School teacher from New Jersey.

"Now what I like best about Bill [O'Reilly]'s argument is its complete factual inaccuracy. Because it would be inconvenient to guys like us to repeat what Jesus actually said. For instance, if someone wants your coat, give them your cloak as well. Rich people should sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor. Plus, the fact is, Jesus was way beyond self-destructive... he was self-sacrificial. I mean, the guy is God. He could have floated off that cross like Criss Angel Mindfreak. And I love, I love how Bill closes with "The Lord helps those who help themselves," kind of implying that Jesus said that, when it was actually Ben Franklin, who I believe belched out that proverb between mouthfuls of French whore."

"It's time to take baby Jesus out of the manger. Replace him with something that's easier to swallow. How about a honey-baked ham? Because if this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition... and then admit that we just don't want to do it."


Categories: Colbert Report, Hypocrisy, Stephen Colbert, Video


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TSA scanners foiled by... pancakes
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Published Friday, December 17, 2010 @ 12:20 AM EST
Dec 17 2010

"From now on, we can use strategically placed pancakes to cover our sausage and eggs."
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Video


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"Do as I say, not who I do..."
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Published Friday, August 13, 2010 @ 8:49 AM EDT
Aug 13 2010

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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Categories: Colbert Report, Hypocrisy, Video


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, May 20, 2010 @ 10:41 AM EDT
May 20 2010

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. Through repetition, something becomes true, if you repeat it enough until it becomes true. Do I need to repeat that for you?
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day


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Kneel before Glod!
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Published Monday, May 17, 2010 @ 10:17 AM EDT
May 17 2010


Categories: Colbert Report, Hypocrisy, Video


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