Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel
Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out
the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would
have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien
Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or
longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people
interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien
Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come
down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen,
she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan
O'Brien
A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and
Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come
down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he
wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to
fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was
experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that
everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in
front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert
There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry
campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as
church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert
It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get
a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your
Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is
your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart
Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire.
He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan
O'Brien
The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we
owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien
Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said
he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,'
and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien
A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25
shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me.
You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing
inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan,
calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from
the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out
the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart
Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this
excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin'
contest.'
-Conan O'Brien
Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president.
Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even
they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien
Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight
DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien
The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch
criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested,
while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan
O'Brien
Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got
4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who
doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to
spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry
will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert
In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo.
Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen
Colbert
Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to
do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by
paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000
tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes
she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million
voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet
Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert
He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex
Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it
with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and
then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into
the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the
anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon
Stewart
If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the
fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in
the back.'
-Jon Stewart
Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no,
but her husband is.
-Jay Leno
President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three
states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno
The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner
was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay
Leno
It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because
there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno
General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast
Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice.
They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno
A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the
country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon
The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to
911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar!
Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy
Fallon
Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many
of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's
ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan
O'Brien
Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with
reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer,
Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien
President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left
a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy
Fallon
After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it
could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright
side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy
Fallon
During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made
$2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions,
they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy
Fallon
Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be
our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert
We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert
It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and
today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's
off his meds.
-Jay Leno
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