Categories: Bill Maher, Observations, Politics
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Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:
God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He
finds time to make a hurricane.
-Andy Borowitz
Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually
dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney
Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real
Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)
If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and
election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
-@pourmecoffee
Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core
domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories
are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic
How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the
back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart
There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't
get its lie together.
-Robert Brault
If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would
start watching again.
-John Fugelsang
Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like
Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
-Jay
Satellite
Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a
Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series
anthem.
-Greg Kot
Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
-Elayne
Boosler
Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is
what keeps it all from happening to you.
-David Gerrold
BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
-Andy
Borowitz
However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the
future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!
Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bill Maher, Covert Comic, John Fugelsang, Patrick Stewart, Photo of the day, Quotes of the day, Robert Brault, Twitter, Weather
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Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight
states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock,
disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
-Jay Leno
After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance
and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several
substances.
-David Letterman
In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many
thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
-Andy Borowitz
One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military
will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.
I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on
vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
-Bill
Maher
This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for
a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
-John Fugelsang
Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of
like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
-John
Fugelsang
I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen
Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
-Colin Powell
Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate
Republicans.
-@Indecision
There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about
rape anymore.
-Andy Borowitz
I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I
should have voted for.
-Steve Martin
The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones
because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph,
The Insult Comic Dog
Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Colin Powell, David Letterman, Elections, Jay Leno, John Fugelsang, Sarah Palin, Steve Martin
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From social media, collected in real time during the debate:
Elayne Boosler:
“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.
Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.
Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.
Wait. Is this a rerun?
He's gonna ask his parents for the money.
Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.
Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?
We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!
Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.
Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.
---------
Albert Brooks:
Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.
Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.
Even Syria is bored with this debate.
Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”
The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.
A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.
I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.
Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.
Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.
This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.
Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.
If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.
Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.
Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.
---------
John Fugelsang:
It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.
“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.
“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later
“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.
If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.
Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.
Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.
”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.
Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.
It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.
Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.
Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.
Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy
Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.
I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”
Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.
Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.
Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.
Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.
Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.
“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.
Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch
Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat
GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.
---------
Andy Borowitz:
Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”
Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”
Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.
If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.
Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”
When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.
We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.
Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”
Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”
Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”
Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”
---------
Beachwood Reporter
Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.
“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”
“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.
---------
Bill Maher:
Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.
“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.
Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.
Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?
It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.
Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground
Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.
That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!
Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?
Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good
I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.
I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.
I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.
Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.
To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.
You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.
Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.
OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.
First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won
Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?
OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!
---------
Wonkette:
“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.
We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.
Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.
Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.
Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?
You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!
Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.
---------
Various fact checkers:
Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”
Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.
Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.
---------
The Onion:
Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America
Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette
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Categories: Bill Maher, Calvin and Hobbes, Observations, Religion
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Comedian Bill Maher asserts the film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter tanked because no one wants to pay to see a Republican battle imaginary evils...
Categories: Bill Maher, Quotes of the day
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How can you tell it's Mormon dogma? It's strapped to the roof of the car.
-Bill Maher
Categories: Bill Maher, Quotes of the day
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Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden?
I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If
he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a
Batman costume.
–Bill Maher
Categories: Bill Maher, Quotes of the day
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Bill Maher returns...
"...cult members always attribute all of their problems to one simple explanation. Now here's an amazing statistic. In a recent poll almost ninety percent of Tea Baggers said that they thought taxes had either gone up or stayed the same under Obama. Only two percent thought they went down. But the reality is taxes have gone down-- for ninety five percent of working families, taxes went down.
"Think about that. Only two percent of the people in a "movement" about taxes named after a tax revolt, have the slightest idea what's going on... with taxes.
"So, it would be easy to just mock, except that those who fall under the control of cults aren't necessarily weirdoes, they're victims. And we shouldn't forget that these people are our relatives, our neighbors and the folks at the next table in the restaurant. Especially if that restaurant is Hooters and it's Dollar Wing Wednesday."
Categories: Bill Maher, New Rules, Politics
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