Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it's a celebration of burning oil that
we don't have.
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Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted.
|Risking the wrath of the whatever
from high atop the thing since 1954.
Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:
God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He
finds time to make a hurricane.
Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually
dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)
If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and
election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core
domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories
are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic
How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart
There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't
get its lie together.
If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would
start watching again.
Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like
Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a
Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series
Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is
what keeps it all from happening to you.
BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!
Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight
states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock,
disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance
and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several
In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many
thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military
will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.
I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on
vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for
a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of
like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen
Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate
There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about
I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I
should have voted for.
The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones
because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog
From social media, collected in real time during the debate:
“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.
Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.
Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.
Wait. Is this a rerun?
He's gonna ask his parents for the money.
Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.
Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?
We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!
Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.
Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.
Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.
Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.
Even Syria is bored with this debate.
Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”
The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.
A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.
I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.
Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.
Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.
This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.
Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.
If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.
Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.
Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.
It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.
“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.
“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later
“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.
If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.
Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.
Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.
”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.
Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.
It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.
Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.
Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.
Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy
Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.
I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”
Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.
Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.
Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.
Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.
Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.
“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.
Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch
Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat
GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.
Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”
Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”
Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.
If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.
Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”
When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.
We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.
Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”
Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”
Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”
Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”
Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.
“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”
“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.
Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.
“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.
Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.
Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?
It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.
Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground
Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.
That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!
Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?
Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good
I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.
I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.
I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.
Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.
To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.
You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.
Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.
OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.
First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won
Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?
OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!
“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.
We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.
Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.
Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.
Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?
You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!
Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.
Various fact checkers:
Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”
Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.
Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.
Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America
I have learned that saying “no” is the password to the next level.
True, everyone lies, but there's a difference between “No, those pants
don't make your ass look fat” and “No, there's nothing incriminating in
those unreleased tax returns.”
-Kevin G. Barkes
Obama and Romney should open the next debate with a really
well-rehearsed rendition of that “God, I Hope I Get It” song from A
GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like John Wilkes Booth
blaming Lincoln for missing the second act of the play.
The people who gloated over the landslide defeat of George McGovern in
1972 seem to have forgotten its consequences.
-Kevin G. Barkes
It occurs to me that if another country's candidate had financial
interest in voting machines, we'd be lecturing them on sanctity of
For the record, nobody's actually “blaming Bush.” They're blaming Bush
policies. “Blaming Bush” implies he was in charge.
I'm thinking of becoming a motivational speaker. But I'm not sure.
Should I? Maybe yes, maybe no. Undecided. Kinda thinking about it.
You can tell a person is a Republican when they refer to the Democratic
Party as the Democrat Party. You can tell a person is a Democrat when
he's speaking very slowly to a Republican.
-Kevin G. Barkes
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get
as, say, a gun.
The creator of Mad Libs died. His friends described him as a warm
and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.
You would think Mitt Romney would be better at foreign policy given how much time his money has spent overseas.
When our embassy is attacked, we are attacked. Romney's Libya comments display the patriotism of someone who keeps his money in Switzerland.
As reprehensible as Romney's Libya comments are, it's comforting to know that he'll soon contradict them.
The Aurora shooter was able to buy 6000 rounds of ammo on the internet and Tommy Chong went to prison for selling bongs.
I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.
Mitt Romney has learned that "Entitlement Reform" sounds way better than "Have some more catfood, Nana."
I'd still like to know when "Wit" turned into "Snark."
What do you get when you take all of the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name? RNC PR BS!
The war in Iraq is over, Osama bin Laden is dead, and Charlie Sheen is off Two and a Half Men.
The S & P 500 just hit a 4-year high, which means Obama is the crappiest socialist in history.
People who say Obama mentions bin Laden too much would prefer something more subtle, like wearing a flight suit.
Gov Brian Schweitzer says 'that dog don't hunt.' He don't ride inside the car, either.
Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage
event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that
connects Romney with the average American voter.
Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to
anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas
now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties
with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance.
Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida
has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much
like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top,
shake breasts, swing around pole.'
A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their
computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands
aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter
followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called
Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of
Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job
before, so this is new.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that
inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that
just scare the hell out of Congress.
Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire
American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes
said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British
food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in
California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser
while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If
they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:
US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.
I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.
Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."
Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.
Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"
Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.
If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.
Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)
The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are
-Kevin G. Barkes
Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.
Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:
#OnViacomRightNow Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."
#OnViacomRightNow Teen Grandmom Season Premier!
#OnViacomRightNow Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!
#OnViacomRightNow On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.
#OnViacomRightNow "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.
#OnViacomRightNow Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.
#OnViacomRightNow The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!
#OnViacomRightNow Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.
#OnViacomRightNow Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.
Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.
Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:
Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.
Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.
McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."
I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.
John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.
To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.
Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:
Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.
Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.
While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.
The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.
A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.
"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled
and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in
-Hunter S. Thompson
"Sandusky Still Says He's Not Guilty." If this was the church he'd be
coaching at another school.
Arizona could solve its immigration problem if they posted pictures of
Jan Brewer at the border.
I'm thinking of becoming a corporation so that the Supreme Court will
consider me a person.
Remember, no matter what the Supreme Court justices decide about
government healthcare, they'll still have it.
At the end of every ad, candidates should be required to say what they
promised the crazy billionaire who paid for it.
The Supreme Court Justices who made Bush president can't possibly be
concerned about the nation's health.
I love the smell of the universe in the morning.
-Neil deGrasse Tyson
Personally, I'm waiting for Dwight Eisenhower vs. The Predator.
-Kevin G. Barkes