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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, March 02, 2014 @ 5:46 AM EST
Mar 02 2014

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Kentucky is fighting same-sex marriage tooth and nail, just as it fought indoor plumbing.
-Andy Borowitz

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer today reflected on her decision to veto the state's anti-gay law: "The decision was a no-brainer, which is why I was capable of making it."
-Andy Borowitz

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Why I canceled my 20+ year subscription to The Wall Street Journal after it was purchased by Rupert Murdoch, in one photo:

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It's a bit odd that when you ask certain conservatives to Love Thy Neighbor they feel their religious freedom is at risk.
-Frank Conniff

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Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and guns in suspects' clothing, so next time you smoke weed in Amsterdam, try not to get paranoid about the Hyper-Intelligent Police Rats.
-Seth Meyers

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Losing to Canada in hockey is like losing to France in cowardice.
-David Burge

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Hi, I'm a guy who supported the Iraq war and is outraged Putin would invade a smaller country that hasn't attacked him.
-John Fugelsang


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, John Fugelsang


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Sunday randomness
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Published Sunday, July 28, 2013 @ 2:33 AM EDT
Jul 28 2013

Rehab is a failure if you come out of it and you're still a politician.
-Andy Borowitz

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
-George Carlin

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First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead.
-Jimmy Carter


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Civil Rights, George Carlin, Jimmy Carter, Miscellany, Observations, Politics, Scouting


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Quote of the day
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Published Tuesday, December 04, 2012 @ 1:11 PM EST
Dec 04 2012

Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it's a celebration of burning oil that we don't have.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


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Whistling into oblivion...
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Published Sunday, October 28, 2012 @ 10:29 AM EDT
Oct 28 2012

Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:

God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He finds time to make a hurricane.
-Andy Borowitz

Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)

If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
-@pourmecoffee

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic

How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart

There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't get its lie together.
-Robert Brault

If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would start watching again.
-John Fugelsang

Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
-Jay Satellite

Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series anthem.
-Greg Kot

Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
-Elayne Boosler

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is what keeps it all from happening to you.
-David Gerrold

BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
-Andy Borowitz


However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bill Maher, Covert Comic, John Fugelsang, Patrick Stewart, Photo of the day, Quotes of the day, Robert Brault, Twitter, Weather


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Observations of the day
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Published Friday, October 26, 2012 @ 9:06 AM EDT
Oct 26 2012

Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
-Jay Leno

After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.
-David Letterman

In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
-Andy Borowitz

One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.

I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
-Bill Maher

This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
-John Fugelsang

Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
-John Fugelsang

I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
-Colin Powell

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate Republicans.
-@Indecision

There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about rape anymore.
-Andy Borowitz

I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I should have voted for.
-Steve Martin

The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Colin Powell, David Letterman, Elections, Jay Leno, John Fugelsang, Sarah Palin, Steve Martin


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Observations, Debate-a-Palooza Edition
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Published Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 11:39 PM EDT
Oct 22 2012

From social media, collected in real time during the debate:

Elayne Boosler:

“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.

Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.

Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.

Wait. Is this a rerun?

He's gonna ask his parents for the money.

Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.

Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?

We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!

Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.

Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.

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Albert Brooks:

Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.

Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.

Even Syria is bored with this debate.

Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”

The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.

A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.

I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.

Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.

Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.

This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.

Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.

If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.

Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.

Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.

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John Fugelsang:

It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.

“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.

“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later

“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.

If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.

Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.

Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.

”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.

Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.

It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.

Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.

Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.

Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy

Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.

I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”

Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.

Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.

Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.

Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.

Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.

“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.

Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch

Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”

Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”

Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.

If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.

Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”

When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.

We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.

Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”

Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”

Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”

Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”

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Beachwood Reporter

Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.

“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”

“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.

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Bill Maher:

Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.

“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

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Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.

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Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

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The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America


Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette


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Observations of the day
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Published Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 1:33 AM EDT
Oct 22 2012

I have learned that saying “no” is the password to the next level.
-Alvin Williams

True, everyone lies, but there's a difference between “No, those pants don't make your ass look fat” and “No, there's nothing incriminating in those unreleased tax returns.”
-Kevin G. Barkes

Obama and Romney should open the next debate with a really well-rehearsed rendition of that “God, I Hope I Get It” song from A Chorus Line.
-Seth McFarland

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like John Wilkes Booth blaming Lincoln for missing the second act of the play.
-John Fugelsang

The people who gloated over the landslide defeat of George McGovern in 1972 seem to have forgotten its consequences.
-Kevin G. Barkes

It occurs to me that if another country's candidate had financial interest in voting machines, we'd be lecturing them on sanctity of voting.
-Rose Auerbach

For the record, nobody's actually “blaming Bush.” They're blaming Bush policies. “Blaming Bush” implies he was in charge.
-John Fugelsang

I'm thinking of becoming a motivational speaker. But I'm not sure. Should I? Maybe yes, maybe no. Undecided. Kinda thinking about it.
-Steve Martin

You can tell a person is a Republican when they refer to the Democratic Party as the Democrat Party. You can tell a person is a Democrat when he's speaking very slowly to a Republican.
-Kevin G. Barkes

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun.
-Andy Borowitz

The creator of Mad Libs died. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
-John McNamee


Categories: Alvin Williams, Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, John McNamee, KGB Opinion, Observations, Rose Auerbach, Seth McFarlane, Steve Martin


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Observations of the day
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Published Thursday, September 13, 2012 @ 7:13 AM EDT
Sep 13 2012

Andy Borowitz:

Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.

You would think Mitt Romney would be better at foreign policy given how much time his money has spent overseas.

When our embassy is attacked, we are attacked. Romney's Libya comments display the patriotism of someone who keeps his money in Switzerland.

As reprehensible as Romney's Libya comments are, it's comforting to know that he'll soon contradict them.

John Fugelsang:

The Aurora shooter was able to buy 6000 rounds of ammo on the internet and Tommy Chong went to prison for selling bongs.

I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.

Mitt Romney has learned that "Entitlement Reform" sounds way better than "Have some more catfood, Nana."

I'd still like to know when "Wit" turned into "Snark."

Lynn Cullen:

What do you get when you take all of the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name? RNC PR BS!


Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Lynn Cullen, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Second Amendment, Twitter


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, September 06, 2012 @ 3:15 PM EDT
Sep 06 2012

Andy Borowitz:

The war in Iraq is over, Osama bin Laden is dead, and Charlie Sheen is off Two and a Half Men.

The S & P 500 just hit a 4-year high, which means Obama is the crappiest socialist in history.

John Fugelsang:

People who say Obama mentions bin Laden too much would prefer something more subtle, like wearing a flight suit.

Gov Brian Schweitzer says 'that dog don't hunt.' He don't ride inside the car, either.


Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Quotes of the day


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Political Jokes of the Week
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Published Monday, July 30, 2012 @ 9:24 AM EDT
Jul 30 2012

Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
-Jay Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
-Jay Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole.'
-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
-Conan O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
-Conan O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
-Jimmy Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Olympics, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin


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Random observations, quotations, and just plain gonzo
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Published Wednesday, July 18, 2012 @ 1:45 AM EDT
Jul 18 2012

Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)

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The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.
-Kevin G. Barkes

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Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.

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Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Teen Grandmom Season Premier!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.

#OnViacomRightNow‬ The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.

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Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.

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Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:

Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.

Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.

McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."

I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.

John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.

To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.

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Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:

Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.

Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.

While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.

The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.

A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.

"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in German"
-Hunter S. Thompson


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Daily Show, Hunter S. Thompson, Jon Stewart, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, June 30, 2012 @ 10:10 AM EDT
Jun 30 2012

The Republicans want smaller government because the three branches we have just voted against them.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


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Observations of the day
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Published Tuesday, June 26, 2012 @ 5:45 AM EDT
Jun 26 2012

From Twitter:

"Sandusky Still Says He's Not Guilty." If this was the church he'd be coaching at another school.
-Elayne Boosler

Arizona could solve its immigration problem if they posted pictures of Jan Brewer at the border.
-Andy Borowitz

I'm thinking of becoming a corporation so that the Supreme Court will consider me a person.
-Andy Borowitz

Remember, no matter what the Supreme Court justices decide about government healthcare, they'll still have it.
-Andy Borowitz

At the end of every ad, candidates should be required to say what they promised the crazy billionaire who paid for it.
-Andy Borowitz

The Supreme Court Justices who made Bush president can't possibly be concerned about the nation's health.
-Andy Borowitz

I love the smell of the universe in the morning.
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Personally, I'm waiting for Dwight Eisenhower vs. The Predator.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Elayne Boosler, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Observations, Quotes of the day, Twitter


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Observation
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Published Monday, June 18, 2012 @ 11:37 PM EDT
Jun 18 2012

The law of unintended consequences: John McCain winning the nomination results in Bristol Palin having a reality show.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Observations


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, March 16, 2012 @ 12:03 AM EDT
Mar 16 2012

Romney: "I love American democracy. I'm good friends with some of the owners of it."
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, February 26, 2012 @ 12:38 PM EST
Feb 26 2012

Didn't we settle contraception and affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


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Borowitz on a roll
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Published Sunday, January 08, 2012 @ 11:44 AM EST
Jan 08 2012

I have a Twitter account but I really don't follow it- I already have enough distractions. But I do have the app installed on my cell phone. I accidentally ran it this morning and was presented with a week's worth of hysterical musings by Andy Borowitz. My favorites follow: they're in reverse chronological order, starting with his observations on the latest GOP debate in New Hampshire:

I'm surprised Huntsman hasn't benefited more from our culture's fascination with vampires.

When Gingrich talks about "moving to a 21st century model," Callista better watch her back.

Rick Perry's comments have been sponsored by Lunesta.

Mitt Romney would make a great President in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Somewhere, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are in a motel room watching this & laughing.

Rick Perry: "Not only have I worn a uniform, this Halloween I went as a slutty nurse."

Huntsman: "I am the only man on this stage with decades of experience running a funeral home."

Ron Paul better be on guard or Huntsman will try to embalm him.

This promises to be the whitest Yo Mama contest on record.

I worry that all the jokes about Santorum's sweater vests are distracting us from the fact that he's a f*cking a**hat.

Gingrich: "I'm not leaving Romney alone unless he gets cancer."

That weird sensation you're feeling while watching the #GOPDebate is your brain cells curling up and dying.

Rick Perry on preparing for the debate: "I started drinking yesterday."

I'll miss Bachmann and Cain tonight. It'll be like watching an episode of Three's Company with no Ropers.

To Santorum, poor people are like sweater sleeves- he knows they exist, he just has no use for them.

I never delete any voicemails just in case there's something Rupert Murdoch might enjoy.

It's helpful when CNN shows us what's happening on Twitter because it reminds us to turn off CNN and go on Twitter.

From now on, please join me in referring to a "sweater vest" as a "douche holster."

Real sign the economy is improving: Republicans are starting to say Obama wasn't born here again.

Newt Gingrich is the kind of guy who goes to church and his "Hard Out Here For a Pimp" ringtone goes off.

Remember, no matter what sh*t you're going through in your life right now, at least you're not talking to Rick Santorum.

Critics may accuse Mitt Romney of flip-flopping, but he has been very consistent about being a d*ck.

Children say amazing and hilarious things unless they're other people's children.

Boehner on improving employment numbers: "This is a wakeup call. We've got to work harder to f*ck this up."

The Underwear Bomber is named Umar Farouk Abdulmjutallab, so let's just keep calling him The Underwear Bomber.

There's no way you can see a headline like "Santorum Blanketing New Hampshire" and not be grossed out.

There's an interesting story about the psychology of Romney voters in the American Journal of Settling.

Just reread the Book of Revelation- I had never noticed all the references to sweater vests before.

Just reread ancient Mayans' prophecy. They didn't say the world would end in 2012, just a Van Halen reunion.

Rick Santorum supports the rights of the unborn child until it's born and wants a gay marriage.

Pat Robertson: 'God Told Me the GOP Nominee Will Be a White Male A**hole'

Bachmann on quitting the race: "At least now I won't have to figure out where all those other states are."

Mitt Romney is hoping for a big win in New Hampshire, which he defines as 9 votes.

Santorum says he"s not against homosexuality "when it's done right."

I felt safer with Michele Bachmann on the campaign trail than I do now that she's just wandering around.

If only 8 more people liked me than Rick Santorum I would put a gun in my mouth.

BREAKING: Romney Vows to Put Americans Back to Work Making Negative Ads

What I'll miss most about Michele Bachmann? When she means "standard bearer" she always says "standard bear."

Michele Bachmann's decision to quit the race is disturbing because it smacks of sanity.

Romney Jubilant after Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest

Iowa is too small and white to choose a President, which is why I'm glad we're moving on to New Hampshire.

BREAKING: CNN to Simulcast Bachmann's Withdrawal Speech in English

Remember, Michele Bachmann doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also: the words science, math, apple, cat.

BREAKING: .0006% of Iowans Dislike Romney less than Santorum

The last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.

Say what you will about the margin of Romney's victory, but 8 votes is still 6 more than Rick Perry can count.

Rick Perry just said this race wasn't about him. Apparently Iowa agrees.

Note to Middle Easterners: when you protest for democracy, remember to specify "but not that caucus sh*t."

Only Wolf Blitzer could make the words "three-way" sound so boring.

Mitt Romney must be thrilled: he's in a tie with a lawn gnome and a guy who opposes man-on-dog marriage.

Santorum says he didn't mind trailing in the polls "because I'm used to being in the cellar."

If Santorum is going to be President we better hurry and marry our pets now.

In a bold last-minute tactic, Romney has changed his first name on the ballot from Mitt to Not.

Such a small unrepresentative group has never been allowed to pick a US President. Oh wait- the Supreme Court.

The Iowa caucuses are like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors.

If Michele Bachmann and Tebow both lose this week, then God is 0 for 2012.

If Santorum almost wins Iowa, it will be like when Sanjaya almost won American Idol.

I get that God has his reasons for tsunamis and earthquakes, but I'm finding these Tebow losses hard to fathom.

Pat Robertson: 'God Made Tebow Lose to Punish any Denver Fans who Might be Gay'

Reality check, America: God does not make people win football games. He makes them win Grammys.

BREAKING: Santorum Picks Up Key Endorsement from Ancient Mayans

I really think it's time Boyz 2 Men just started calling themselves Men.


Categories: Andy Borowitz


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