Henry "Henny" Youngman (March 16, 1906 – February 24 1998) was a British-born American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife...please." In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman's routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line. He was known as "The King of the One Liners", a title conferred to him by columnist Walter Winchell. A stage performance by Youngman lasted only fifteen to twenty minutes but contained dozens of jokes in rapid-fire succession. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
Have you noticed TV families never watch television?
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If I'm not in bed by eleven, I go home.
If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
(February 24 is also the birthday of George Moore.)