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76 quotes about alcohol
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Published Thursday, May 01, 2014 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 01 2014

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(Today is also the birthday of Mother Jones)

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A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.
-Louis Pasteur

A cocktail is to a glass of wine as rape is to love.
-Paul Claudel

A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol.
-Adlai E. Stevenson II

A man who lies about beer makes enemies.
-Stephen King

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.
-Charles Baudelaire

Alcohol and marijuana, if used in moderation, plus loud, usually low-class music, make stress and boredom infinitely more bearable.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Alcohol is a very necessary article... it enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.
-George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
-Unattributed

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
-@BillMurray

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-Frank Sinatra

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest poison is time.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.
-Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
-Dylan Thomas

Beer commercials are so patriotic: 'Made the American Way.' What does that have to do with America? Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish and urinating frequently?
-Scott Blakeman

Beer is not a good cocktail party drink, especially in a home where you don't know where the bathroom is.
-Billy Carter

Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world.
-Jack Nicholson

Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer- you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
-Robin Williams

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.
-Eddie Condon

Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.
-Proverbs 31:6-7 NIV

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm

I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
-Robert Downey, Jr.

I am more afraid of King Alcohol than of all the bullets of the enemy.
-Thomas J. ('Stonewall') Jackson

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
-Paula Poundstone

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-Hunter S. Thompson

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
-Unattributed

I went to alcohol rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.
-Robin Williams

I work until beer o'clock.
-Stephen King

I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.
-David Sedaris

I'm an occasional drinker, the kind of guy who goes out for a beer and wakes up in Singapore with a full beard.
-Raymond Chandler

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
-@BillMurray

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
-Dick Gregory

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
-Scott Adams

Just as natural selection weeds out the weak and infirm making a stronger herd, so does alcohol improve your brain's capabilities by destroying the weaker cells.
-Unattributed

Life is too short to drink the house wine.
-Helen Thomas

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.
-Lord Dunsany

Many a person has been saved from summer alcoholism, not to mention hypertoxicity, by Dostoyevsky.
-Roy Blount, Jr.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
-Unattributed

Men like beer and something naked.
-Jeff Foxworthy

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do.
-P.J. O'Rourke

My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey.
-William Faulkner

Never refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
-P.J. O'Rourke

Old wine and an old friend are good provisions.
-George Herbert

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-Alex Levine

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.
-William S. Burroughs

People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
-Sign at Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.
-Don Marquis

Quickly bring me a beaker of wine
So that I may wet my brain and say something clever.
-Aristophanes

Sanity is an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency.
-N.F. Simpson

Sometimes the Bible in the hand of one man is worse than a whiskey bottle in the hand of (another)... There are just some kind of men who- who're so busy worrying about the next world they've never learned to live in this one.
-Harper Lee

Son, if you can't take their money, drink their whiskey, screw their women, and then vote against 'em, you don't deserve to be here.
-U.S. Senator Sam Rayburn

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.
-St. Thomas Aquinas

The Americans are a funny lot; they drink whiskey to keep them warm; then they put some ice in it to keep it cool; they put some sugar in it to make it sweet; and then they put a slice of lemon in it to make it sour. Then they say 'here's to you' and drink it themselves.
-B.N. Chakravaty

The best brewer sometimes makes bad beer.
-German Proverb

The first, indeed the only, requirement of a diet is that it should lose you weight without reducing your alcoholic intake by the smallest degree.
-Kingsley Amis

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.
-Norman Brenner

There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain.
-Baron de Rothschild

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others.
-Raymond Chandler

They say God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.
-Kinky Friedman

They who drink beer will think beer.
-Washington Irving

Three most deleterious things of modern life in their present order of importance are: tobacco, alcohol and intemperate eating. Both alcohol and tobacco are taboo in plants.
-Henry Ford

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
-(From the TV series The Simpsons)

Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.
-Eduardo Galeano

What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?
-Isak Dinesen

When wine drinkers tell me they taste notes of cherries, tobacco and rose petals, usually all I can detect is a whole lot of jackass.
-Joel Stein

White wine is like electricity. Red wine looks and tastes like a liquified beefsteak.
-James Joyce

Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
-Ovid

Wine is a turncoat; first a friend and then an enemy.
-Henry Fielding

Wine is sunlight held together by water.
-Galileo

Wine maketh merry; but money answereth all things.
-Ecclesiastes 10:19

With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will. But be drunken.
-Eugene O'Neill

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa

You can't find the answers on the bottom of a whiskey glass, but if you look hard enough you'll forget the questions.
-George Patterson


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