Charles Barsotti in the New Yorker)
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven
brag about it to persons who will never get there.
At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope
of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut
all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end.
Better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven.
By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to make
people believe that heaven is hell- and hell heaven. The greater the
lie, the more readily it will be believed.
Clergyman: a ticket speculator outside the gates of heaven.
Do not ask God the way to heaven; he will show you the hardest way.
Either heaven or hell will have continuous background music. Which one
you think it will be tells a lot about you.
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels
are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all
the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
Every politician we have, liberal or conservative, who gets caught
drinking or chasing women is thrown out of office. It's backwards. It's
more dangerous to have a clean-living President with his finger on the
button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with
a leader? Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This
is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if
it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Heaven and hell suppose two distinct species of men, the good and the
bad. But the greatest part of mankind float betwixt vice and virtue.
Heaven for climate, hell for society.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your
dog would go in.
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a
Heaven have mercy on us all- Presbyterians and Pagans alike- for we are
all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.
Heaven is home. Utopia is here. Nirvana is now.
Heaven is like Scotland without the midges... and the Scots, of course.
Old Harry's Game, BBC Radio
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
Heaven lies about us in our infancy! Shades of the prison-house begin to
close upon the growing boy.
Heaven wheels above you, displaying to you her eternal glories, and
still your eyes are on the ground.
Heaven-A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
Hell is in Heaven and Heaven is in Hell. But angels see only the light,
and devils only the darkness.
How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.
How you gonna go to heaven unless you've danced in hell? I mean how are
you gonna know it? How you gonna feel good unless you feel bad?
I desire to go to Hell, not to Heaven. In Hell I shall enjoy the company
of popes, kings and princes, but in Heaven are only beggars, monks,
hermits and apostles.
I do not see in religion the mystery of the incarnation so much as the
mystery of the social order. It introduces into the thought of heaven an
idea of equalization, which saves the rich from being massacred by the
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell- you see, I have
friends in both places.
I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand
as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must
sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it- but we must sail,
and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
I have faith in the universe, for it is rational. Law underlies each
happening. And I have faith in my purpose here on earth. I have faith in
my intuition, the language of my conscience, but I have no faith in
speculation about Heaven and Hell. I'm concerned with this time- here
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is certain dogs I have known
will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
If there are no dogs in heaven, when I die I want to go where they go.
In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular.
-George Bernard Shaw
It is quite useless knocking at the door of heaven for earthly comfort;
it's not the sort of comfort they supply there.
It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world
that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at heaven and you will
get earth thrown in; aim at earth and you will get neither.
Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of
Men, at most, differ as heaven and earth; But women, worst and best, as
heaven and hell.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
No one wants to die. Even people who wanna go to heaven don't wanna die
to get there.
Of all the inventions of man I doubt whether any was more easily
accomplished than that of a Heaven.
On earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it.
Order is heaven's first law.
People with too much heaven in them are hell to live with.
Posterity! you will never know how much it cost the present generation
to preserve your freedom! I hope you will make a good use of it. If you
do not, I shall repent in Heaven that I ever took half the pains to
Retire when the work is done. This is the way of heaven.
Silently one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven
lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.
So trust is not a matter of probabilities. Statistics can't handle a
sample of one. Trust is an act of faith. Trust is the gateway to either
heaven or hell-and the gate is unmarked. Damn few have gone through.
Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves
were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.
Surely happiness is reflective, like the light of heaven; and every
countenance bright with smiles, and glowing with innocent enjoyment, is
a mirror transmitting to others the rays of a supreme and ever-shining
That a marriage ends is less than ideal; but all things end under
heaven, and if temporality is held to be invalidating, then nothing real
The bottom line is in heaven.
-Edwin H. Land
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.
The human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it
is when it tries to invent a Heaven that it shows itself cloddish.
The intellect of the wise is like glass; it admits the light of heaven
and reflects it.
-Augustus William Hare
The intention of the Holy Ghost is to teach us how one goes to Heaven,
not how Heaven goes.
The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a heaven of Hell, a
hell of Heaven.
The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each
other is in heaven.
-Daniel Waters (from the film Heathers)
The outside world doesn't have a lot to offer. You have to make your own
heaven in your own home.
The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no
humor in heaven.
The two universal languages on earth are music and silence. They are
also the two primary languages of heaven.
There are depths in man that go to the lowest hell, and heights that
reach the highest heaven, for are not both heaven and hell made out of
him, everlasting miracle and mystery that he is.
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
To scale great heights, we must come out of the lowest depths. The way
to heaven is through hell.
Until an hour before the Devil fell, God thought him beautiful in Heaven.
We are satisfied that there can be but little liberty on earth while men
worship a tyrant in heaven.
-Robert G. Ingersoll
We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has
accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment.
What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.
When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don't see heaven or saints or
angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human
You have to go on and be crazy. Craziness is like heaven.
You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there
long before any of us.
-Robert Louis Stevenson
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