"Maybe once, in clown college..."
'I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached."
It was so weird to see the anniversary of the Civil Rights Act and
realize that fifty years ago Congress accomplished something.
As an only child, I didn't feel in the least excluded by last week's "Siblings Day."
By the way, I'm off tomorrow in observance of "My Parents Realized They Couldn't Improve Upon Perfection Day."
The difference between your gun and your vote is someone is actually
coming for your vote.
I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.
If I were Piers Morgan, I'd find that plane just to spite CNN.
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door.
That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
You're supposed to get old WITH someone, not BECAUSE of them.
Balloons are so weird, it's like, happy birthday here’s a plastic sack
of my breath.
Newly-released FBI documents allege Al Sharpton was a mob informant. He
must have joined MSNBC as part of the Witness Protection Program.
Standardized tests get an update: reading comprehension will now be
limited to 140 characters.
N. and S. Korea are trading fire at this moment. I go to CNN. Some guy
is talking about the battery in the black box. STOP IT.
REMINDER: The leaders of the least productive House of Representatives
in recorded history think you're lazy.
The largest number in the universe is the number of separate wads of
cotton that can be removed from a torn stuffed animal by a dog.
What the Internet has done is let us know how many millions of Americans
can afford a computer, but haven't yet mastered that tricky
You spend one hour in the right WalMart and you'll stop believing in
Our greatest domestic threat is not foreign terrorists but local morons.
When God said be fruitful and multiply, there were two people. There are
now seven billion. Mission accomplished.
We actually don't have slavery any more. We outsource it to China.
And... the desktop is clean.
Categories: Cleaning off the desktop