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Trimmed
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Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 8:13 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

It took an hour, mild sedation, three Milk Bones, my beard trimmer, two adults and an oven mitt, but we finally trimmed the hair around the eyes of the small, dog-like creature (aka Pixie the Shih Tzu).


Categories: Dogs, KGB Family


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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:56 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

The idea of Daylight Saving time is like trying to be taller by cutting off your head and standing on it.
-Unattributed

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I was thinking about the hypothesis that our universe is a computer simulation. It would explain a lot of things, like quantum physics. Programmers often take short cuts. In cgi-generated motion pictures, distant subjects lack the detail of foreground objects. Why spend the time programming the texture of every stone in a castle wall when it's going to appear to be a mile away? Maybe the programmer who wrote the code for our simulated universe got to the subatomic level and figured the typical simulated life forms that would develop here would never reach the point where they'd start poking around at the level of quantum states, so no one would ever see the bug that made it impossible to simultaneously determine the position and momentum of subatomic particles. And the division by zero errors responsible for those pesky black holes? That'll be fixed in the next release.

Be willing to die for your beliefs, or computer printouts of your beliefs.
-Don DeLillo (via Sareesa Boyd)

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The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.
-Ward Cunningham

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Stephen Hawking with nine guys dressed as Bananaman.
You're welcome.

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The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
-@ChevyChase (parody account)

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News Headline: "Arizona lawmaker: 'I'm gay, Latino and a state senator.'"
Hats off to him.
It can take courage for a man to announce he’s an Arizona state senator.
-Zay Smith, "Quick Takes"

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This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking.
–Seth Meyers

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Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Commercial Drones Declared Legal; Release the Tacocopters

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The last time a Republican was elected president without a Nixon or Bush on the ticket was 1928.

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Maximum number of dildos a Texan may legally own: 5
-Harper's Index

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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
-@BillMurray (parody account)

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This is appalling. And tremendous.

(YouTube video: Debut Criminal Defense Commercial
from Pittsburgh's Criminal Defense Rookie of the Year)

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Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores so you will have to go to Wal Mart if you need a universal remote that breaks in a month.
-@pourmecoffee

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March is National Kidney Month! Fun Fact: There are actually two kidney months, but you only need one.
-Stephen Colbert

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The world's most expensive place to live is Singapore. For the world's cheapest place, check your clothing label.
-Stephen Colbert

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Good thing George W. Bush isn't President or we'd already be at war with the people who make Cremora.
-Paul Lander

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Conservatives love Sarah Palin because she pisses off liberals, which is like eating rubber cement because everyone tells you not to.
-@LOLGOP

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Newsmax is starting their own channel, hoping to poach Fox News’s younger viewers, the coveted 72 to 86 demographic.
-Kara Vallow

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And... the desktop is clean.

I'm giving up giving up things for Lent for Lent.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Still the one...
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Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:53 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

Pumpkin turns 17 today and retains the title of oldest non-human mammal in the house.

Her nickname for the longest time was "Demon Cat From Hell." She does not suffer fools gladly, and she pretty much considers herself to be surrounded by fools.

Fortunately, she's mellowed somewhat in her old age. Treat her with respect, and you'll get it in return.

As long as you feed her.

Now.


Categories: Animals, KGB Family


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Quotes of the day: George Burns
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Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:48 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

George Burns (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), born Nathan Birnbaum, was an American comedian, actor and writer. He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, film, radio, and television. His arched eyebrow and cigar smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three-quarters of a century. At the age of 79, Burns' career was resurrected as an amiable, beloved and unusually active old comedian in the 1975 film The Sunshine Boys, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. He continued to work until shortly before his death, in 1996, at the age of 100. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
(from Gracie: A Love Story)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family- in another city.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I can do everything now that I could do when I was 18. I was pretty pathetic at 18.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate.

If I'd taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it

If you live to be a hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It's good to be here. At my age, it's good to be anywhere.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


Categories: George Burns, Quotes of the day


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