KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

Jews can't eat ham. Jehovah's Witnesses can't buy Girl Scout cookies. The Amish can't drive cars. Catholics can't masturbate. Scientologists can't go to therapy. Baptists can't dance. Sikhs can't shave. And Lord knows, Muslims can't take a joke.
-Bill Maher

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Wealth is not a virtue, and poverty is not a sin.
-Unattributed

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The E.U. wants to ban American cheesemakers from using the name "Parmesan?" Fine. Then they can't use the name "Whiz."
-Stephen Colbert

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The sheer number of people who think Obama’s Between Two Ferns interview was “real” is reason enough to build an underground end days bunker.
-@CollynMcCoy

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We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
-Tshirt

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Three things that make me laugh: my sister's nipples. One's tiny. I haven't named the other two.
-Emo Phillips

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BURR: On average, how many Canadian patients on a waiting list die each year? Do you know?

MARTIN: I don’t, sir, but I know that there are 45,000 in America who die waiting because they don’t have insurance at all.

Canadian expert to condescending U.S. Senator

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Prices for monthly Google Drive storage plans dropped massively: 100GB is now $1.99 (instead of $4.99), 1TB is $9.99 (previously $49.99), and 10TB is $99.99. For comparison's sake, you can get 1TB of space every month on Drive for the same amount you'd pay on Dropbox for 100GB. Current paid Drive users will automatically move to the new, cheaper pricing.

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Some things you just don't outgrow.

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When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
-@BillMurray (parody Twitter account)

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Go ahead, open the door. I want to see the expression on the UPS guy's face.

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The five second rule is real. Which makes no difference when you have a two second dog.

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POLL: Given Choice Between Paul and Cruz, Most Voters Choose Suicide
-Andy Borowitz

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The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song 'Respect.' President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.
–Conan O'Brien

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Retweeted by The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore.

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Jack Albert Kinzler, the NASA tech whiz who saved Skylab, died last week. He was a Pittsburgh native.

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"He's a congenial liar."
"Don't you mean congenital?"
"Well, that too."

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Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!
-The Covert Comic

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Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks.
-@KenJennings

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Looks like more snow, starting at 7 pm tonight. By the way, this is a great program... Weatherspark.

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God will continue to punish the northeast with winter weather until Neil deGrasse Tyson stops undermining his authority.
-@pourmecoffee

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NASA-funded study: industrial civilisation headed for 'irreversible collapse'? So I don't have to worry about replacing the fence around my yard, then?

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Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech."

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Sometimes the Good Old Days were real. PanAm economy class in the 1960s.

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Our first president could have owned our current president so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about the dignity of the presidency.
-@LOLGOP

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You not believing in climate change because it's snowing is like me not believing in education because you exist.
-@LOLGOP

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop

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Quotes of the day: James Madison
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Published Sunday, March 16, 2014 @ 12:00 AM EDT

Mar 16 2014

James Madison, Jr. (March 16, 1751 - June 28, 1836) was an American statesman, political theorist and the fourth President of the United States (1809–1817). He is hailed as the "Father of the Constitution" for being instrumental in the drafting of the United States Constitution and as the key champion and author of the United States Bill of Rights. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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A popular Government without popular information, or the means of acquiring it, is but a Prologue to a Farce or a Tragedy, or perhaps both. Knowledge will forever govern ignorance: And a people who mean to be their own Governors, must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives.

A standing military force, with an overgrown Executive will not long be safe companions to liberty. The means of defence against foreign danger have been always the instruments of tyranny at home.

A zeal for different opinions concerning religion, concerning government, and many other points, as well of speculation as of practice; an attachment to different leaders ambitiously contending for pre-eminence and power; or to persons of other descriptions whose fortunes have been interesting to the human passions, have, in turn, divided mankind into parties, inflamed them with mutual animosity, and rendered them much more disposed to vex and oppress each other than to co-operate for their common good.

Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.

Besides the danger of a direct mixture of religion and civil government, there is an evil which ought to be guarded against in the indefinite accumulation of property from the capacity of holding it in perpetuity by ecclesiastical corporations.

But what is Government itself, but the greatest of all reflections on human nature?

Conscience is the most sacred of all property...

During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.

Enlightened statesmen will not always be at the helm.

Equal laws protecting equal rights, are found as they ought to be presumed, the best guarantee of loyalty, and love of country; as well as best calculated to cherish that mutual respect and good will among citizens of every religious denomination which are necessary to social harmony and most favorable to the advancement of truth.

I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power, than by violent and sudden usurpations; but, on a candid examination of history, we shall find that turbulence, violence, and abuse of power, by the majority trampling on the rights of the minority, have produced factions and commotions, which, in republics, have, more frequently than any other cause, produced despotism. If we go over the whole history of ancient and modern republics, we shall find their destruction to have generally resulted from those causes.

If Congress can do whatever in their discretion can be done by money, and will promote the general welfare, the Government is no longer a limited one possessing enumerated powers, but an indefinite one subject to particular exceptions.

In every political society, parties are unavoidable. A difference of interests, real or supposed, is the most natural and fruitful source of them. The great object should be to combat the evil: 1. By establishing a political equality among all. 2. By withholding unnecessary opportunities from a few, to increase the inequality of property, by an immoderate, and especially an unmerited, accumulation of riches. 3. By the silent operation of laws, which, without violating the rights of property, reduce extreme wealth towards a state of mediocrity, and raise extreme indigence towards a state of comfort. 4. By abstaining from measures which operate differently on different interests, and particularly such as favor one interest at the expence of another. 5. By making one party a check on the other, so far as the existence of parties cannot be prevented, nor their views accommodated. If this is not the language of reason, it is that of republicanism.

In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself.

Justice is the end of Government. It is the end of civil society. It ever has been, and ever will be pursued, until it be obtained, or until liberty be lost in the pursuit.

Liberty may be endangered by the abuses of liberty as well as by the abuses of power.

No man is allowed to be a judge in his own cause; because his interest would certainly bias his judgment, and, not improbably, corrupt his integrity. With equal, nay with greater reason, a body of men are unfit to be both judges and parties at the same time.

No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.

Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Perhaps it is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged against provisions against danger, real or pretended from abroad.

Religion and government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together.

Rulers who wished to subvert the public liberty, may have found an established Clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just Government instituted to secure and perpetuate it needs them not.

Since the general civilization of mankind, I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.

Some degree of abuse is inseparable from the proper use of every thing; and in no instance is this more true than in that of the press. It has accordingly been decided, by the practice of the states, that it is better to leave a few of its noxious branches to their luxuriant growth, than, by pruning them away, to injure the vigor of those yielding the proper fruits.

Strongly guarded as is the separation between religion and government in the Constitution of the United States the danger of encroachment by Ecclesiastical Bodies, may be illustrated by precedents already furnished in their short history.

The accumulation of all powers, Legislative, Executive, and Judiciary, in the same hands, whether of one, a few, or many, and whether hereditary, self-appointed, or elective, may justly be pronounced the very definition of tyranny.

The essence of Government is power; and power, lodged as it must be in human hands, will ever be liable to abuse.

The establishment of the chaplainship in Congress is a palpable violation of equal rights as well as of Constitutional principles. The danger of silent accumulations and encroachments by ecclesiastical bodies has not sufficiently engaged attention in the U.S.

The government we mean to erect is intended to last for ages.

The legislative department is everywhere extending the sphere of its activity and drawing all power into its impetuous vortex.

The man who is possessed of wealth, who lolls on his sofa or rolls in his carriage, cannot judge the wants or feelings of the day-laborer.

The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries.

The Religion then of every man must be left to the conviction and conscience of every man; and it is the right of every man to exercise it as these may dictate.

The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted.

We hold it for a fundamental and undeniable truth, 'that Religion or the duty which we owe to our Creator and the Manner of discharging it, can be directed only by reason and conviction, not by force or violence.'

We maintain therefore that in matters of Religion, no man's right is abridged by the institution of Civil Society, and that Religion is wholly exempt from its cognizance.

Wherever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger of oppression.

Who does not see that the same authority which can establish Christianity, in exclusion of all other Religions, may establish with the same ease any particular sect of Christians, in exclusion of all other Sects?

With respect to the words 'general welfare,' I have always regarded them as qualified by the detail of powers connected with them. To take them in a literal and unlimited sense would be a metamorphosis of the Constitution into a character which there is a host of proofs was not contemplated by its creators.

Categories: James Madison, Quotes of the day

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