Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian and film and television star. He is known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
A likely story- and probably true.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Africa is God's county, and he can have it.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Blood's not thicker than money.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
He may look like an idiot, and he may talk like an idiot, but don't let him fool you. He really is an idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet.
Home is where you hang your head.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions: the curtain was up.
I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.
I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: 'I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally?' I never said that.
I have nothing but respect you, and very little of that.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
I've been looking for a girl like you- not you, but a girl like you.
I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much-just an occasional sun visor.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
My idea of a good evening is to be at home, alone, listening to good political arguments on the television, reading... I put on my pajamas, fill a pipe with very good tobacco, and I soliloquize while the world slides by.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest- ask him. If he says "yes," you know he is crooked.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
What has posterity ever done for me?
Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail of it.
You've got a goal; I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.