If you're on Twitter, consider following Bill Murray (SNL, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, et al.) These are just a few from the past week...
Smart people: start having babies or the other side wins.
The only thing to fear is fear itself.
If video games are really the problem I think in the 80's we'd have heard a lot more stories of plumbers being assaulted with barrels.
Had to pause Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch Breaking Bad.
I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.
It would be hilariously perfect if Jessica Biel would name her first child Batmo.
My favorite pick-up line is the one where I don't say anything to a girl and I just go home to watch Netflix, because Netflix won't hurt me.
I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.
I come from a long line of parents.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend and winning the lottery, what kind of car would you buy first?
Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.
fingers are so weird…… our arms just split into other smaller arms…... ok
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant" will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people...
Unless you’re Batman, I can’t see how anything clipped onto your belt will impress women.
Don't try to understand women... Women understand women and they hate each other.
Gay marriage is on legal in 6 states, yet having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.
Hamsters are just tiny grizzly bears.
I bet snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Some days you just have to fill the tub with skittles and pretend to be Godzilla in a ball pit
Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after youre in an argument you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.
I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand him a briefcase and whisper "you know what to do" and walk away.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.