Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan (May 31, 1894 - March 17, 1956) was an American comedian whose absurdist, topically pointed radio show (1932–1949) made him one of the most popular and forward- looking humorists in the Golden Age of American radio. (Click for full Wikipedia article).
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
A lot of people spend six days sowing wild oats, then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
California is a fine place to live- if you happen to be an orange.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have two girls at 17 than one at 34.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and c omedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.