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Published Thursday, March 14, 2013 @ 7:55 AM EDT
Mar 14 2013

I didn't even know he was Catholic. Oh, wait...

So, a 76 year old Pope with one lung. This will end well.
-Patrick Hyland ‏@uberfiend

You know who should totally be the final arbiter of sexual morality? A 76-year-old man who's never had an orgasm.
-God ‏@TheTweetOfGod

Google Reader died for your pope jokes.

Both Paul Ryan and Pope Francis have a commitment to the poor. But Ryan's commitment is to make more of them.

I think Elvis would have been a good Pope. He was popular and already had the wardrobe...
-John Hoskins ‏@BigJohnHoskins

If white smoke means they picked a new Pope, Uncle Rick's Bonneville has been picking Popes for years.
-Pittsburgh Dad ‏@Pittsburgh_Dad

"New Pope Called Gay Marriage 'Destructive Attack on God's Plan.'" Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.
-God ‏@TheTweetOfGod

Somewhere Lou Dobbs is screaming about this Latino who crossed a border to take someone else's Pope job.
-John Fugelsang ‏@JohnFugelsang

I guess I'll see you all guys in the Pope Jokes section of hell.

Now that we have a Pope, we get that hour of sleep back, right?

Pope being showed his new office. "This is your computer, Holy Father. Pick a password, don't make it Jesus. Everyone picks Jesus."
-pourmecoffee ‏@pourmecoffee

The new Pope came out on the balcony, saw his shadow, and realized there was six more centuries of scandals.
-Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks

Most awkward part of conclave is now when Cardinals check out and have to authorize in-room entertainment charges.
-pourmecoffee ‏@pourmecoffee

The Pope finished his speech. So refreshing he didn't thank his agent.
-Elayne Boosler ‏@ElayneBoosler

I’m not even Catholic, and I can solidly get behind a Pope Frank.
-Jacque Jo Bland ‏@jacquebland

I was led to understand that Jack Nicholson & Mrs. Obama would be announcing #newpope
-John Fugelsang ‏@JohnFugelsang

It looks like there's a new pope but they're still in line waiting to vote in Florida.
-Elayne Boosler

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