(Elayne Boosler in Kuwait earlier this week, on a USO tour.)
Happy birthday to a brilliant comedian, animal activist, lovely lady and all-around swell person, Elayne Boosler. Visit her website, as well as Tails of Joy, the charity she runs that raises funds for the smallest and neediest- as well as most effective- annimal rescue organizations.
Some of Elayne's funniest lines follow... better yet, click here for Elayne's own KGB Report page.
Computers are such time-saving devices. In fact, I've just spent the last three years trying to print out an envelope.
Every time I fly, they x-ray my shoes. Let me ask you a question: what woman is going to blow up her shoes?
Getting old has its advantages. I used to have to buy pot, now I get it from friends with arthritis.
I buy Hustler because I like to hide The New York Post in something on the way home.
I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.
I don't do a feminist act. I'm a human being trapped in a woman's body.
I have gone from day of the week underwear to day of the week pill dispensers.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Mr. Right is now a guy who hasn't been laid in fifteen years.
My ancestors wandered through the wilderness for 40 years because even in Biblical times, men would not stop to ask directions.
My friend has two dogs, a Shi Tzu and a Shar Pei. She named them Fluff and Fold.
The last time I was going to the hairdresser to get my roots done, my dog gave me a sad look for leaving the house again. I said to him, “If you could see color, you'd know where I was going.”
The latest fad, giving birth under water, may be less traumatic for the baby, but it's more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
The Vatican is against surrogate motherhood. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
There's only one right way to lose weight: vodka and cigarettes.
We should pass a new law. Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. “I've developed a vaccine, and I'd like to show you my breasts.” Go ahead, you've earned it.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
You know you're getting fat when you step on your dog's tail and he dies.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.