Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)
The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are
-Kevin G. Barkes
Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.
Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:
#OnViacomRightNow Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."
#OnViacomRightNow Teen Grandmom Season Premier!
#OnViacomRightNow Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!
#OnViacomRightNow On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.
#OnViacomRightNow "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.
#OnViacomRightNow Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.
#OnViacomRightNow The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!
#OnViacomRightNow Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.
#OnViacomRightNow Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.
Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.
Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:
Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.
Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.
McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."
I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.
John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.
To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.
Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:
Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.
Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.
While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.
The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.
A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.
"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled
and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in
-Hunter S. Thompson