A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But hating, my boy, is an art.
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
God in His wisdom made the fly,
And then forgot to tell us why.
Home is heaven and orgies are vile, but you need an orgy once in a while.
I am a conscientious man. When I throw rocks at seabirds, I leave no tern unstoned.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
When they think that their children are naive.
One man's remorse in another man's reminiscence.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
And middle age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends.
Some primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good!
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
The Bronx? No, thonx!
The cow is of the bovine ilk,
One end is moo,
The other milk.
The Frenches do not please the Germans,
Who call them names in hymns and sermons;
The Germans do not please the Frenches,
Who wish to shoot at them from trenches.
Now, anybody whom a German hates,
He presently exterminates,
But he who exterminates a French
Is never safe from Gallic revench,
But he who gets even with a German
Is obliterated like a vermin.
And so it goes for ages & aeons
Between these neighboring Europeans.
I hope that such perpetual motion
Stays where it started, across the ocean.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have a clear conscience, or none at all.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
When called by a panther,