After reviewing my new court-ordered real estate valuation and those of my neighbors, I have come to the conclusion that the primary tool used by Allegheny County assessment authorities is a dartboard.
America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.
I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
I understand that fear is my friend, but not always. Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed.
I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in German.
If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.
In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upwardly mobile.
Last year's fun is today's crime. Even tying your shoes in an airport can get you locked up.
Morality is temporary, wisdom is permanent.
No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun- for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax- This won't hurt. (suicide note)
Old elephants limp off to the hills to die; old Americans go out to the highway and drive themselves to death with huge cars.
Politics is the art of controlling your environment.
Some may never live, but the crazy never die.
The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel and shallow money trench through the heart of the journalism industry, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs, for no good reason.
The only ones left with any confidence at all are the New Dumb. It is the beginning of the end of our world as we knew it. Doom is the operative ethic.
The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to those who see it coming and jump aside.
The towers are gone now, reduced to bloody rubble, along with all hopes for Peace in Our Time, in the United States or any other country. Make no mistake about it: We are At War now- with somebody- and we will stay At War with that mysterious Enemy for the rest of our lives. (9/12/2001)
There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation.
There's no such thing as paranoia. The truth is, your worst fears always come true.
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more; but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
Today's winners are tomorrow's blinking toads.
Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak Arabic, love music and never forget you come from a long line of truth seekers, lovers and warriors.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market quotations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.
No. My manservant, Eduardo, generally attends to such matters.