Steven Wright (b. December 6, 1955):
A friend of mine has a trophy wife but apparently it wasn't first place.
A metaphor is like a simile.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
Cross-country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backward. Now everywhere I drive, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral... in one car.
I have a microwave fireplace. You can lay down in front of the fire all night in eight minutes.
I have an existential map. It has YOU ARE HERE written all over it.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but only off to the side.
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd quit, but it wouldn't matter.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm speaking in parentheses.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
In relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killing myself.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
My hobby is not committing suicide.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, “I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Next week I'm going to have an MRI to see whether or not I have claustrophobia.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The first time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
The temperature in any room is room temperature.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
They say you're not supposed put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually.
What's another word for “thesaurus?”
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?