Paula Poundstone, (b. December 29, 1959)
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
Cialis says you never know when a moment might turn into something more. Now I'm a nervous wreck.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
I have terrible short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
I'll bet when Jesus got homework all wasn't calm and all wasn't mild. That's why there are no songs about him at that age.
I'm beginning to suspect that just having a lot of books isn't the same as reading them.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.”
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
Snow globes have been banned from carry-on airplane luggage. Finally, a good night's sleep.
Sometimes I ask my friend to tell me about “empty nest,” the way Lenny asked George to tell him about the rabbits.
The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.
The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling.
They're not going to teach science at all (in Kansas). What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.