The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.
"The Republicans now control the House, and they say they're going to
follow a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope
you women and non-whites don't like voting."
"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history.
Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste
time and not get work done."
"The new Congress has been sworn in. To politicians the oath of office
is like a New Years resolution to the rest of us. You try for a week or
two and then say screw it."
"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick
Cheney is hunting again."
"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a
presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the
body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t."
-Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement
"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start
things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. They took turns
each reading a part of the Constitution. Then there was a break for
lunch and a slave auction."
"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to
undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the
Obama kids that the dog has to go back."
"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to
John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep
a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched
"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has
an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of
"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his
involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The
good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'"
"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the
sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is
having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish."
"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to
pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt."
"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin . She lowered
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans'
First Day In Charge Of The House"
10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"