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Political jokes of the week
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Published Friday, January 07, 2011 @ 8:51 AM EST
Jan 07 2011

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.

"The Republicans now control the House, and they say they're going to follow a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you women and non-whites don't like voting."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done."
-Jimmy Fallon

"The new Congress has been sworn in. To politicians the oath of office is like a New Years resolution to the rest of us. You try for a week or two and then say screw it."
-Jay Leno

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again."
-David Letterman

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t."
-Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. They took turns each reading a part of the Constitution. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back."
-David Letterman

"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows."
-Jay Leno

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'"
-Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish."
-Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt."
-Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin . She lowered the bar."
-David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"
10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"


Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, U.S. Constitution


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Okay, it's not KGB Vodka
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Published Friday, January 07, 2011 @ 12:06 AM EST
Jan 07 2011

...but it does have a charm all its own.


Categories: KGB, WTF?


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