From Andy Borowitz's Borowitz Report:
They were betterer times, they were worserer times.
It is a Truth universally acknowledg'd that Halliburton must be in Want of a Presidency.
Are you there, Satan? It's me, George.
The past is a foreign country; we need to blow it up.
Midway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, because I was sh*tfaced.
A girl got a pet goat. She liked to go running with her pet goat.
All children, except one, grow up.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to do is talk to Cheney.
My momma always said life was like a jar of fetus.