Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
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no. we're not that kgb.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000
Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000
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Our riveting and morally compelling...
When all else fails, cheat.
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Friday, December 04, 2009
Out of one's league
Sometimes it's best just to throw in the towel.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
'Tis the season..
The Eat 'n Park "Christmas Star" commercial first aired in 1982, and it's still running.
But my all-time favorite Christmas spot was done by CBS in 1966, the year after the premiere of "A Charlie Brown Christmas:"
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
A sign of the times...
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Getting it out of our systems
The difference between a car and a golf ball is Tiger Woods can drive a ball 400 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing.
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.
Headline from a UK newspaper: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hooker"
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
Tiger Woods' wife caught him playing that 19th hole.
So the cops asked Elin how many times she hit her husband. She said, "Five or six. Put down five."
Tiger Woods drove an Escalade into a tree. He generally treats caddies better than that.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Quotes of the day
A flea can be taught everything a congressman can.
A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Familiarity breeds contempt- and children.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Heaven for climate, hell for society.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it. It is a trait that is not known to the higher animals.
Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don't smoke to excess. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't marry to excess.
There is no distinctly American criminal class- except Congress.
Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
You can not depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You can't reason someone out of something they weren't reasoned into.
-Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), November 30, 1835-April 21, 1910
Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The firstname.lastname@example.org e-mail address is now something other than email@example.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used firstname.lastname@example.org as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that email@example.com was no longer firstname.lastname@example.org but rather email@example.com which is longer than firstname.lastname@example.org and more letters to type than email@example.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than firstname.lastname@example.org but actually just as functional as email@example.com? I sent e-mails from the firstname.lastname@example.org address to just about everybody I knew who had used email@example.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the firstname.lastname@example.org change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which email@example.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for firstname.lastname@example.org would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that email@example.com no longer is the firstname.lastname@example.org they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. email@example.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
get kgb krap!