Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


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Saturday, September 26, 2009

Susie nails it

I have this idea. It's pretty simple and I think it will appeal to a lot of people.

Here it is.

I want every uninsured man and woman who comes down with swine flu to go sit in the waiting rooms of their elected representatives.

That's it. Just sit there- coughing. Throwing your used Kleenex in their trash receptacles. If they want us to suffer, they should have to look at at the logical consequences of their inaction. Tell them you're going to keep coming back until they manage to pass something that's actually going to help people instead of lining the pockets of the insurance companies.

If the weather gets cold, set up a tent in the parking lot, put a sign on it that says "Waiting Room: Waiting for Affordable Health Care." Set up your lawn chairs and invite everyone who passes to sit there with you. Be sure to call your local media.

With apologies to Arlo Guthrie:

If you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into the congressman's office wherever you are, just walk in say "Congressman, we just want affordable health care". And walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he's nuts and they won't pay attention. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're just odd and they won't take either of them. And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in saying "We just want affordable health care" and walking out. They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day walking in, coughing their heads off and saying, "We just want affordable health care" and then walking out. And friends, they may think it's a movement.

(Susie Madrak on Crooks and Liars)

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Friday, September 25, 2009

Quote of the day

This is all just speculation, you know. We don't know any of this actually happened and we won't be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow drying.
-Jimmy Kimmel

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Advertising slogan of the week

 

I don't think you'll hear it on the radio, though...

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Lawn ornament of the week

Sure beats those stupid plastic pink flamingos. "There's something terribly, wonderfully wrong here. Two open-jawed aliens are tromping off with your helpless, hapless garden gnome. It's a sure-fire laugh for gardeners and weed-cultivators alike. Utah artist Fred Conlon uses recycled and found metal to make the whimsical, fun and weather-safe accent. Ceramic gnome included. Creatures are 8"H including gnome."

From the good folk at the What On Earth catalog.

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I'm thinking impure thoughts

So the BP Oil in South Park has this deal where you get a free orange juice with any hot breakfast item. Notice the attractive looking bottle of Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice. Certainly a delightful beverage to wash down the microwave irradiated lukewarm starch and fat they're obviously having problems moving...

Except, you can't have that nice pure pulp-free orange juice so prominently displayed in the photo. Nope. No Premium for you, you bleary-eyed, gas-pumping cretin. Go on back to the case and get some of that pulpy stuff that came in with the egg-encrusted mystery meat croissants.

I could assume an air of righteous indignation, call BP's corporate offices, and give them a stern talking-to. Except the display advertising folk are probably all stroked out from eating this crud.

Never attribute to malice that which can be blamed on stupidity.

Or poor nutrition.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hypocrisy 101

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Quotes of the day

Autumn truly is what summer pretends to be: the best of all seasons. It is as glorious as summer is tedious; as subtle as summer is obvious; as refreshing as summer is wearying. Autumn seems like paradise.
-Gregg Easterbrook

Autumn is really the best of the seasons; and I'm not sure that old age isn't the best part of life. But of course, like autumn, it doesn't last.
-C.S. Lewis

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Happy birthday, H.G.

H.G. kinda sounds like Droopy.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

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Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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