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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  51,847 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, February 16, 2008
posted by KGB at 8:44 AM (permalink)

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right...

Unless American culture begins placing the same value on intelligence that it does on singing, dancing, throwing a ball, or pounding each other insensate in an octagon, it can expect a rough time of it. This is the 21st century, Skippy. We nerds, geeks, brains- whatever the epithet du jour may be- have had it with you cretinous, over-socialized oafs. I'm not a one-trick monkey you can treat with thinly-veiled derision as I perform an act which, ironically, is beyond your atrophied, rudimentary reasoning skills. No, I won't fix your damned computer. Now crawl back into the cave from which you emerged and use the crudely drawn, stick-figured pornography that amused your uni-browed, chest-thumping ancestors.

Ah. That feels better.

In case you're wondering what set me off:

"Not only are citizens ignorant about essential scientific, civic and cultural knowledge... but they also don't think it matters." (New York Times article)

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posted by KGB at 8:35 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Clemens probably did it. But that fact should not obscure larger questions: Since when is it Congress' bailiwick to run banana trials? After all, drug users typically rat out drug dealers. Why is Congress wasting its time on a single supposed user? Are there no congressional pages left to molest? No lobbyists left to schmooze? No tax dollars left to misplace? -David Harsanyi, Denver Post

(via "picaro" on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup.)

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Friday, February 15, 2008
posted by KGB at 11:31 AM (permalink)

Cartoon caption of the day

(Psychiatrist to dog on couch): How did it feel to find out the invisible fence never existed?
-The Wall Street Journal

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posted by KGB at 12:39 AM (permalink)

Assorted quotes of the day

Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.
-President Harry S Truman

All dancing is belly dancing, given a sufficiently large belly.
-The Covert Comic

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
-Art Buchwald

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
-Robertson Davies

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Thursday, February 14, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:49 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra.
Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening-

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008
posted by KGB at 4:56 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Government in America has taken on a vast mass of new duties and responsibilities; it has spread out its powers until they penetrate to every act of the citizen, however secret; it has begun to throw around its operations the high dignity and impeccability of religion; its agents become a separate and superior caste, with authority to bind and loose, and their thumbs in every pot. But it still remains, as it was in the beginning, the common enemy of all well-disposed, industrious and decent men. (1926)
-H.L. Mencken

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:01 PM (permalink)

Speaking of snark..

This is just plain mean. And accurate. Hopefully someone will have one that trashes male efforts in this area:

     

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

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posted by KGB at 9:29 AM (permalink)

Valentine snark

Cute, GOP. Then again, it probably wouldn't have taken him three days to get food and water to the Superdome in New Orleans...

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posted by KGB at 9:12 AM (permalink)

The world's best-selling drug "makes women stupid"

Cognitive side effects like memory loss and fuzzy thinking aren't listed on the patient information sheet for Lipitor, the popular cholesterol-lowering drug. But some doctors are voicing concerns that in a small portion of patients, statins like Lipitor may be helping hearts but hurting minds.

"This drug makes women stupid," Orli Etingin, vice chairman of medicine at New York Presbyterian Hospital, declared at a recent luncheon discussion sponsored by Project A.L.S. to raise awareness of gender issues and the brain. Dr. Etingin, who is also founder and director of the Iris Cantor Women's Health Center in New York, told of a typical patient in her 40s, unable to concentrate or recall words. Tests found nothing amiss, but when the woman stopped taking Lipitor, the symptoms vanished. When she resumed taking Lipitor, they returned.

"I've seen this in maybe two dozen patients," Dr. Etingin said later, adding that they did better on other statins. "This is just observational, of course. We really need more studies, particularly on cognitive effects and women."

-The Wall Street Journal

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posted by KGB at 8:53 AM (permalink)

News story of the day

Update: This includes her scheduled March 3 concert at the Benedum Center here in Pittsburgh.

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posted by KGB at 8:22 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
-Carl Reiner

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Monday, February 11, 2008
posted by KGB at 1:23 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

As many of you know, I first started singing when Lincoln was president.
-Cher, at the Grammy Awards

But her best quote remains:
"I've come back so many times. Someone once told me that after World War III, the only things that will still be around are cockroaches and Cher."

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Sunday, February 10, 2008
posted by KGB at 5:14 AM (permalink)

Say it ain't so...

One major source of fun and hilarity around here involves collecting all the shelties in the living room and waiting until the cat has fallen asleep in the doorway leading to the cellar and the back yard.

Once the feline is suitably insensate, a human in the living room will sit bolt upright and announce in a clear, loud voice: "What's that? Where's Timmy? Is Timmy down the well?"

This instantly causes the shelties to congeal into a large, roiling mass of wildly barking fur and appendages, not unlike the appearance of the Tasmanian Devil in the old Warner Bros cartoons. The swirling brown and white maelstrom erupts from the living room and rockets down the hallway, does a hairpin 180 through the cellar door and absorbs the stunned cat like a trailer park in a tornado.

The cat is ejected from the vortex as the spin of shelties (my collective noun for the breed) spill out the back door and down the yard to the imaginary well behind the shed in the back yard.

You can imagine my consternation when Cindy came across this little tidbit:

https://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=299012>1=7703:
Lassie
The world's most maternal dog was portrayed by six male collies (apparently the males shed less than the females). The first "Lassie" TV series ran for 19 seasons (1954-1973); almost all of the canine actors were descendants of Pal, star of the six Lassie feature films. And, just so you know, Timmy never actually fell down a well. (Emphasis added.)

Ok. Fine. Well, I'm not going to tell them about the Easter Beagle, either...

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...