Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


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He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Limbo lower now....

In fact, it's gone:

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Roman Catholic Church has effectively buried the concept of limbo, the place where centuries of tradition and teaching held that babies who die without baptism went.

In a long-awaited document, the Church's International Theological Commission said limbo reflected an "unduly restrictive view of salvation."

The 41-page document was published on Friday by Origins, the documentary service of the U.S.-based Catholic News Service, which is part of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Protestants never had limbo. We have stewardship campaigns.

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Photo of the week

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Quote of the day

We can't cure the world of sorrows but we can choose to live in joy.
Joseph Campbell

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T-Shirts of the day

Choice selections from the What on Earth catalog:

667
Evil and then some

Searching for an Enabler

Life Was Better
When We Didn't Know
What The Governement Was Up To

I'n not driving badly,
I'm multitasking.

what I really need are
minions.

Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

are you a side effect of my medication?

I hear the fat lady singing.

Real Moms Don't Negotiate

You remind me of someone.
I really liked that dog.

So life has a hill.
Get over it.

God's Gift To Women With No Standards

You can't question my credentials if they don't exist.

I've got more issues than a magazine.

well aren't we a freaking ray of sunshine?

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Friday, April 20, 2007

T-Shirt of the day

Lord, let me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.

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Oh, please...

Received an email about this post in which she notes that lots of people are bullied and humiliated in school and yet grow up to be fine, outstanding citizens.

So by that logic, a rape victim whose violation doesn't result in pregnancy really has nothing to complain about, right?

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
-George Bernard Shaw

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Set your Tivo

10:30 p.m. "The Springer Hustle"
A new reality show takes viewers behind the scenes at the "Jerry Springer Show," showcasing the techniques required to fill a daily schedule of mentally challenged extroverts with no social boundaries or judgment. It turns out standing in the Wal-Mart parking lot with a fistful of Krispy Kreme coupons is remarkably effective. VH1.

(That TV Guy, Marin Independent Journal.)

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Political quote of the week

As far as anyone can remember, no New Jersey governor has ever been in a car crash... although former Governor McGreevey was frequently rear-ended.
-Bill Maher

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And the call ME a geek...

This guy has way too much time on his hands.

But I want one. Sigh.

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Rats on stilts

I've never seen an indigenous rat in the 25 years I've lived here in South Park. But deer- it's a rare day when I don't encounter at least a couple of them. They're all over the park itself, and you can find them in just about everyone's yard. Notice the fence surrounding my property wasn't much of a deterrent.

Deer- at least the ones around here- are the blondes of the animal kingdom. The reason most people tolerate them is that they're pretty, and their displays of stupidity provide what passes as comedy in the ennui of suburban living.

I don't like them in my back yard because deer have deer ticks, and deer ticks carry Lyme Disease. If deer ticks carried the Black Plague, I think you'd find that most people would react to these annoying ruminants a bit differently.

But, that's the price you paying for living in the suburbs. They were here first. We're actually the intruders.

Still, it felt good opening the back door and letting the dog have at them. Beanie didn't have a chance, of course... they were gone before she cleared the end of the walk. But it put a spring in the old girl's step and later, while she slept at my feet, I could tell by her jerking legs and closed-eye smile that the deer in her dream were not as fortunate.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Here's an idea.

Instead of talking about gun control, increased security and personality profiles, why don't we deal with the real problem?

Let's ban humiliation as a form of entertainment. Get rid of Simon. Get rid of Jerry Springer. Remove the situations from situation comedies where the laughs come from making fun of people who don't live down to the lowest common denominator we call "normal." Instead of deriving pleasure from denigrating the unfortunate, let's learn to enjoy improving their fortunes. Or is rehabilitation and redemption the sole province of Extreme Home Makeover?

Let's teach our children that "becoming famous" is not an acceptable life goal.

Let's banish the phrase, "don't get mad, get even."

A very wise man once said, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Of course, this is the same guy who said, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God."

Which, it seems, doesn't have much to recommend it, especially today. Unless there's a DNA test and a shot on Larry King thrown into the deal.

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Headline of the day

HP Reinvents Sex

Boy, I hope they didn't mess with the interface.

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By any other name

"It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time."
-President George W. Bush

It should also be noted the 31 Virginia Tech murders happened on the same day that 230 Iraqis were killed or found dead following various attacks, the highest toll since the U.S. "surge" began two months ago.

The college slayings were called a "national tragedy." The Bush administration's term for the horrendous loss of innocent Iraqi civilians? Wednesday.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bad Taste 101

With the fall of Imus and the call for sensitivity and political correctness in the media, America is at risk of losing one of its major, defining attributes: exquisitely executed examples of bad taste.

Back in the early 70s, The National Lampoon elevated bad taste to a true art form. Virtually every issue featured something truly appalling- something that would make your jaw drop in astonishment, and then- after checking to see that there were no witnesses- would cause you to laugh yourself into incontinence.

The funniest cartoon I ever saw in the Lampoon was inked by its cartoon editor, Sam Gross. It was a drawing of a guide dog on its back, still in harness, its legs pointing skyward in rigor mortis. The tongue may have been hanging out as well; I'm doing this from memory.

Next to the dog stood a morose, sightless man with all the requisite accoutrements- cap, dark glasses, tin cup- and a sign around his neck that said, "I am blind and my dog is dead."

I would have posted it here, except my stash of archived Lampoons were donated to Goodwill a decade ago, and the cartoon is so funny that Gross and his publishers apparently scour the net to make certain his intellectual property rights- and the potential sales of his anthologies- aren't violated.

That's ok. I have other copyright violations to use as examples.

This cover, from the Lampoon's January, 1973 "Death Issue," is its most famous. Conceived by Ed Bluestone, it supposedly had the largest store sales of any issue of the publication. I vividly recall begin convulsed by laughter when I saw it on the rack at Marksline's on Eighth Avenue in Homestead, PA. A stern-looking matron stared at me in disgust. "That's sick," she said. "Are you going to buy one?" I asked her. "Certainly not!" she exclaimed. "Fine," I said, picking up a copy and heading for the register. "That dog's blood is on your hands."

Bluestone said the picture took some effort because for most of the session the dog kept looking straight ahead and just appeared victimized. Then someone got the brilliant idea to actually pull the trigger on the unloaded gun, and history was made.

The dog cover pales in comparison to the Lampoon's infamous Teddy Kennedy Volkswagen ad. Touting the original Beetle's ability to float for a respectable period after being submerged in water, the bogus ad's tag line boasted, "If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he'd be President today."

Ouch.

Also released in '73, it was such a spectacular parody of Volkswagen's print media ad style that the automaker started receiving hate mail from persons who believed it was a real ad.

Volkswagen sued The Lampoon for $30 million. In the end, VW forced the recall of unsold issues from newstands, the destruction of the printing plates, the publishing of an explanation and apology in the January 1974 issue of the magazine, and a prohibition from ever using the ad for any magazine promotions. One assumes those responsible were also forced to sit in the passenger seat of a Beetle with the heater turned on full.

And before you get all high and mighty on me, remember that The Honorable Sen. Kennedy has written a children's book about his Portugese Water Dog.

The dog's name?

Splash.

"You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."
-Art Buchwald

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Question of the day

How involved was Bush in Iglesias's firing?

Bush has the power to fire Julio Iglesias? Is Willie Nelson next?

Things are really getting out of control...

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Monday, April 16, 2007

Wow.

And they called Imus insensitive.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

If you thought Imus deserved what he got...

You'll just love these.

Imus was canned for three primary reasons: 1. His remark wasn't funny; 2. He constantly criticized the management of MSNBC and CBS, often for good reason; 3. The sponsor pullout meant the cost to benefit ratio of putting up with his crap went negative, and the racist remark provided them with a justification suitable for public consumption.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

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Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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