Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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Saturday, January 20, 2007

Why am I still here?

Or, more precisely, why is kgb.com still the home of KGB Report?

I did, in fact, sell the domain name back in December. But the new owner- and I don't know that is, since the transaction was handled through a reputable broker who declined to identify principals- still has kgb.com pointed at my server.

In one respect, I guess you can say I'm a squatter, but not really. After all, I have no control over the domain name any more. I just happen to be posting stuff at the resolution point the new owner has selected. They could have parked the domain or just let it point nowhere. I like to think of it as just keeping the lights on and the furnace running until the new owner appears, a friendly and welcoming gesture. I know that one morning I'll wake up and find kgb.com is displaying God knows what, and I'll throw the metaphorical switches that activate www.kgbreport.com. It may not be a bad idea to click on that link now and bookmark it as the "real" KGB Report, and just put up with the temporary click-through to get back to this site.

The other big news is the resurrection of the National Temperature Index on ABC's World News Now. Its rebirth it not without some disturbing aspects, but that's another post at another time.

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Friday, January 19, 2007

The origin of pets

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve, and was a companion to them, and adored and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

(Original source unknown; it's everywhere on the Net. Thanks to my moon goddess Cynthia for sending it to me.)

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Goodbye, Art


Art Buchwald
October 20, 1925 - January 17, 2007

Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be alcoholic, a dope fiend or a wife-beater, but if a man doesn't drive a car, everybody thinks that something is wrong with him.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new... program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

If you're hung up on nostalgia, just think of today as yesterday and go out and have one hell of a time.

In this country, when you attack the Establishment, they don't put you in jail or a mental institution. They do something worse. They make you a member of the Establishment.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

The best things in life aren't things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

Whether it's the best of times, or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Death is no accident

Or at least the potential for death, according to the folk at Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Following my Thanksgiving weekend adventure, they notified me they wouldn't pay my $1,531.15 inpatient hospital bill because they only cover dental-related expenses due to accident.

To briefly recap, a broken tooth resulted in an abscess, a spreading infection, and acute cellulitis. This happened on Thanksgiving, when calls to the emergency numbers of all the dentists in the local phone book went unanswered.

I finally went to the local emergency room. One look at me and I was immediately admitted. The offending tooth was extracted and, more importantly, I received intravenous antibiotics for about 16 hours to avoid complications like coma, septicemia, endocarditis and- my favorite- death.

My employer and their insurance rep are going to protest the decision for me. In the meantime, I'm going to pay the bill before the end of the month and get a 20% discount... which is still about double the amount the hospital would had received from Blue Cross if the insurer had approved the claim, thanks to the deals they cut with hospitals and health care providers. That's just adding insult to injury.

"I caused the death of a man. I saved a half million dollars. I was rewarded for this."
Dr. Linda Peeno (HMO claims reviewer)

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Quote of the day

Whoever said "Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting" obviously never licked one.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


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