Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

Da Burg Annat

I Have Issues

Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

He knows if yinz is a jagoff

Please support KGB Report by making your purchases through our affiliate link:

dcl dialogue online!

I Love DCL

no. we're not that kgb.

Cool Spinny Thingy!

KGB, CIA linked

The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

Geek of the Week

Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

Cruel Site of the Day (7/15/2000)


Hard to describe.

"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

USA Today Hotsite

Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  34,723 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

Google Web

(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Peripherally Insane

Forget about North Korea. Worry instead about the geek in the adjacent cubicle with a computer-controlled missile launcher (just connect it to an open USB port).

From the slightly askew folk at, who actually have a product category named "Cubicle Warfare."

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Or, you could just pour your latte in your lap...

This outfit claims caffeine helps prevent cancer and removes cellulite, but you have to admire their honesty: the intent was to introduce a legal consumer product with addictive qualities.

But does this stuff work? Some people swear by it, but I figure this guy has nailed it. Because of its low octanol:water partitioning constant, transdermal absorption isn't the best way to get caffeine into your bloodstream.

"In conclusion," he says, "until I see a double-blind study using this product, I will remain highly dubious that the effects felt by using caffeinated soap are anthing more than placebo and subconscious attempt to justify buying overpriced soap."

Related quote of the day:
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd quit, but it wouldn't matter.
-Steven Wright

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Quote of the day

Elsewhere, US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
-Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Signs you're getting old, #78

I was stopped at a traffic signal in South Park, the windows rolled down, my canine companion Beanie in the back seat, the stereo blasting the song "Out Tonight" from the musical Rent.

As I sat there pounding out the driving drum bridge on the steering wheel of my stylish 1995 Saturn station wagon, two young ladies, out on their afternoon constitutional, stopped and stared at me incredulously.

I performed the last four bars perfectly and raised my arms in triumph. As the song faded out, I heard one girl remark to the other, in a voice trembling with righteous indignation,

"That is just so wrong."

Sigh. And I was going to do "The Tango Maurenn" as an encore.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Set your Tivo... no, on second thought...

9:30 p.m. "Show Me the Money"

It's another trivia show but this one is hosted by William Shatner and features the leggy Million Dollar Dancers. Warning: May contain footage of Shatner attempting dance moves. ABC.

Marin Independent Journal

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Quote of the day

The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
Sandy Cooley

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

On a Mission from God...

The Sunday School teacher asked me to address her kindergarten glass, explain what I do for a living, and note the relationship between my career and the almighty.

"I help people who have trouble running software on their computers," I said, "and I hear Jesus' name a lot every day..."

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Quote of the day

It is impossible to run a democracy if people with opposing ideas refuse to deal with one another.
-Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

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Copyright © 1987-2015 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The e-mail address is now something other than saga. used to be until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up and adopting created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the domain name in 1993, and had since that time used as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that was no longer but rather which is longer than and more letters to type than and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than but actually just as functional as I sent e-mails from the address to just about everybody I knew who had used in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that no longer is the they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...


Crystal Methodist

Laugh while you can, monkey-boy

I am a professional. Do not try this at home.

I canna change the laws of physics

As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Left wing liberal nut job

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.

If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?

Nutrition makes me puke

Feral Geek

eat wisely

Dyslexics have more fnu!

It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable

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