Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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dcl dialogue online!

I Love DCL


no. we're not that kgb.

Cool Spinny Thingy!


Ciao.
KGB, CIA linked


The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution


Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

Geek of the Week


Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

Cruel Site of the Day (7/15/2000)


miscellany

Hard to describe.


"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

USA Today Hotsite


Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  28,120 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

Google
 
kgbreport.com Web


(July 2000 and earlier)


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Peripherally Insane

Forget about North Korea. Worry instead about the geek in the adjacent cubicle with a computer-controlled missile launcher (just connect it to an open USB port).

From the slightly askew folk at X-Tremegeek.com, who actually have a product category named "Cubicle Warfare."

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Or, you could just pour your latte in your lap...

This outfit claims caffeine helps prevent cancer and removes cellulite, but you have to admire their honesty: the intent was to introduce a legal consumer product with addictive qualities.

But does this stuff work? Some people swear by it, but I figure this guy has nailed it. Because of its low octanol:water partitioning constant, transdermal absorption isn't the best way to get caffeine into your bloodstream.

"In conclusion," he says, "until I see a double-blind study using this product, I will remain highly dubious that the effects felt by using caffeinated soap are anthing more than placebo and subconscious attempt to justify buying overpriced soap."

Related quote of the day:
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd quit, but it wouldn't matter.
-Steven Wright

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Quote of the day

Elsewhere, US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
-Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Signs you're getting old, #78

I was stopped at a traffic signal in South Park, the windows rolled down, my canine companion Beanie in the back seat, the stereo blasting the song "Out Tonight" from the musical Rent.

As I sat there pounding out the driving drum bridge on the steering wheel of my stylish 1995 Saturn station wagon, two young ladies, out on their afternoon constitutional, stopped and stared at me incredulously.

I performed the last four bars perfectly and raised my arms in triumph. As the song faded out, I heard one girl remark to the other, in a voice trembling with righteous indignation,

"That is just so wrong."

Sigh. And I was going to do "The Tango Maurenn" as an encore.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Set your Tivo... no, on second thought...

9:30 p.m. "Show Me the Money"

It's another trivia show but this one is hosted by William Shatner and features the leggy Million Dollar Dancers. Warning: May contain footage of Shatner attempting dance moves. ABC.

Marin Independent Journal

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Quote of the day

The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
Sandy Cooley

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

On a Mission from God...

The Sunday School teacher asked me to address her kindergarten glass, explain what I do for a living, and note the relationship between my career and the almighty.

"I help people who have trouble running software on their computers," I said, "and I hear Jesus' name a lot every day..."

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Quote of the day

It is impossible to run a democracy if people with opposing ideas refuse to deal with one another.
-Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


get kgb krap!

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