Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


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"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution


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Saturday, November 11, 2006

Quote of the day

You're not a good parent, if at some point you are not an embarrassment to your children.
-Malcom Forbes, Sr.

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Friday, November 10, 2006

Quote of the day

Anybody can criticize and complain, but how many can criticize and complain in Klingon? That's what makes IT a special place to work.
-The Covert Comic

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Quote of the day

If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
-Jay Leno

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Comedy Central broke the Rumsfeld story?!

Apparently at 12:15 am this morning. As Mike Koval on the ABC World News Now group noted, this is either amazing or appropriate.

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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright is interviewed in the Onion's AV Club this week.

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It took a while...

But I was right.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Why you should vote Republican

You have to vote for us because our opponents are no good. And because they'll tax you into the poor house. And on the way to the poor house you'll meet a terrorist on every corner. And when you try to run away from the terrorists you'll trip over an illegal alien.
-Bill Clinton, explaining the GOP campaign strategy.

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Quote of the day

Most people prefer to believe their leaders are just and fair even in the face of evidence to the contrary, because once a citizen acknowledges that the government under which they live is lying and corrupt, the citizen has to choose what he or she will do about it. To take action in the face of a corrupt government entails risks of harm to life and loved ones. To choose to do nothing is to surrender one's self-image of standing for principles. Most people do not have the courage to face that choice. Hence, most propaganda is not designed to fool the critical thinker but only to give moral cowards an excuse not to think at all.

~Michael Rivero
www.WhatReallyHappened.com

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The Iraq war is over. Just ask your Army recruiter.

An ABC News undercover investigation showed Army recruiters telling students that the war in Iraq was over, in an effort to get them to enlist.

ABC News and New York affiliate WABC equipped students with hidden video cameras before they visited 10 Army recruitment offices in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.

"Nobody is going over to Iraq anymore?" one student asks a recruiter.

"No, we're bringing people back," he replies.

"We're not at war. War ended a long time ago," another recruiter says.

Last year, the Army suspended recruiting nationwide to retrain recruiters following hundreds of allegations of improprieties.

One Colorado student taped a recruiting session posing as a drug-addicted dropout.

"You mean I'm not going to get in trouble?" the student asked.

The recruiters told him no, and helped him cheat to sign up.

During the ABC News sessions, some recruiters told our students if they enlisted, there would be little chance they'd to go Iraq.

But Col. Robert Manning, who is in charge of U.S. Army recruiting for the entire Northeast, said that new recruits were likely to go to Iraq.

"I would not disagree with that," Manning said. "We are a nation and Army at war still."

Manning looked at the ABC News video of his recruiters.

"It's hard to believe some of things they are telling prospective applicants," Manning said. "I still believe that this is the exception more than the norm... I've visited many stations myself, and I know that we have many wonderful Americans serving in uniform as recruiters."

Yet ABC News found one recruiter who even claimed if you didn't like the Army, you could just quit.

"It's called a 'Failure to Adapt' discharge," the recruiter said. "It's an entry-level discharge so it won't affect anything on your record. It'll just be like it never happened."

Manning, however, disagrees with the ease the recruiter describes.

"I would believe it's not as easy as he would lead you to believe it is," he said.

Sue Niederer, whose son, Seth, joined the Army in 2002, said she was all too familiar with recruiters' lies.

"They need to do anything they possibly can to get recruits," Niederer said.

Seth was sent to Iraq and was killed by a roadside bomb.

Niederer said she was not surprised by what ABC News had found. She believes it's still a widespread problem. She said that recruiters told Seth he wouldn't be put into combat.

"Ninety percent [are] going to be putting their lives on the line for our country," she said. "Tell them the truth. That's all. Just tell them the truth."

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Quote of the day

If your pastor goes out and buys meth, does that make him a Methodist?
-Jay Leno

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Signs of the apocalypse #65: Shatner to host game show

WILLIAM SHATNER TO HOST "SHOW ME THE MONEY," PREMIERING WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22 ON THE ABC TELEVISION NETWORK

"Show Me the Money," a new high-octane variety/game show series to be hosted by Emmy-winning television legend William Shatner, will premiere WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network.

In "Show Me the Money" contestants must answer a minimum of six trivia questions. After each answer, the contestant chooses from among thirteen stunning dancers on stage, each of whom holds a scroll with a dollar figure to be added or subtracted -- for correct or incorrect answers -- to the contestant's total.

A correct answer, combined with choosing a dancer holding big money, can quickly catapult the player's winnings into the millions. But a wrong answer, combined with the wrong dancer, can wipe out winnings in an instant. There is no opportunity to play it safe - contestants will be tempted to take the money and run, but this rollercoaster ride of a game show requires that you play to the very end.

Adding to the variety aspect of the show are the thirteen stunning Million-Dollar Dancers who are always ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties on stage.

With a career that spans some 50 years, Shatner is well known for originating the role of Captain James T. Kirk in the original "Star Trek" television series, and has remained a pop culture icon whose stature seems to grow with each passing year. Shatner will continue in his other ABC role, that of Denny Crane on ABC's hit series "Boston Legal," for which he has won back-to-back Emmy Awards.

"Show Me the Money" is produced by Endemol USA, a division of Endemol Holding. David Goldberg is the president of Endemol USA. Endemol USA is a leading producer of television programming specializing in reality and non-scripted genres for network and cable television. The company produces hit series including ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Endemol USA is a division of Endemol Holding, a prominent international content developer, producer and distributor of television and online programming. The company, headquartered in the Netherlands, has subsidiaries and joint ventures in 21 countries, including the major European markets, the U.S., South Africa, Argentina, Brazil, Mexico and Australia. Endemol Entertainment is a fully owned subsidiary of telecommunications giant Telefsnica S.A., one of the largest companies in Spain. The series is executive-produced by Mike Nichols.

ABC Media Relations Contact:
Virginia Mastroianni (818) 460-6989/Virginia.M.Mastroianni@abc.com

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News item of the day

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - No shirt, no service? What about no clothes at all? A couple that began squabbling in a motel room Friday morning carried their dispute over to an adjacent Waffle House restaurant in the nude, police said.

The woman, who was not identified, told officers she was staying in a room with Larry Boyd when he took a hit of cocaine, started trashing their room and choked her.

She ran in the buff to the nearby restaurant and locked herself in the bathroom. Boyd, also naked, followed her into the restaurant and then fled in a car.

He was arrested - still naked - after a short chase by police and was charged with driving under the influence and felony evading arrest, among other charges. It was not immediately clear whether he had an attorney.

[After all, he didn't have his wallet.]

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

Mea culpa

You're an engineer if:

All your sentences begin with "what if".

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

You can name the titles of at least six Star Trek episodes from four different series in five different decades.

You have no life and can prove it mathematically.

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You drive a Saturn with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

You see nothing odd in spending five hours optimizing your code to produce a one second improvement in program execution time.

You watch ice dancing and you say, "Wow, the physics of that is amazing!"

Each pocket on your person contains a device which emits sounds.

You've spent a lunch hour wondering how a Heisenberg compensator would be calibrated.

You save the power cords from broken appliances.

You find the t-shirt "2b || !2b = ?" hysterical.

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You envy your boss' cubicle because his desk has more room under it for sleeping.

You remember the passwords to three dozen systems on five different platforms but don't recall what you had for breakfast.

You think sales and marketing are the spawn of Satan.

Turning on your television requires at least five steps which must be performed in a specific sequence in less than three seconds.

You spent an afternoon designing a schema for your shopping list, which is both well-formed and parsable.

You know the word "spool" is an acronym.

You've spent a weekend and $79 in Radio Shack parts to repair a $5 radio.

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, salt, and chocolate.

Your favorite James Bond character is Q, and your childhood heroes were Montgomery Scott and Barney Collier.

You have a monotone wardrobe purchased via mailorder catalogs since your appearance only bothers other people and therefore is not worth optimizing.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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