Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
dcl dialogue online!
no. we're not that kgb.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000
Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000
"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"
Our riveting and morally compelling...
One of 37,913 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Late night quotes of the week
(compiled by Daniel Kurtzman on about.com)
President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh
sure, but we may liberate them.
It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been
placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating
America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February
President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while
Mark Foley is dipping into the teens.
What a crazy week this has been. I don't know who Americans should
be more afraid of being attacked by- terrorists from the Middle
East, a dictator from North Korea, or a congressman from South
President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North
Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense,
because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons
of mass destruction.
It's interesting. The president's approval rating is at an all-time
low, North Korea's setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley
scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to
blow this election.
There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse.
Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes
back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat
Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never
happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'
Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it
to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but
here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your
plug is covered in guacamole.
-Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror
Dennis Hastert now says that he did know about the (Mark Foley)
e-mails, but was unaware, he says, that they were so sexually
explicit. He said, 'My God, I didn't even read the Patriot
This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two
wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are
now fighting with the sexually corrupt.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Quote of the day
Some people will have a bad day Friday because of anxiety today. They think Friday the 13th will be bad, and subconsciously, they'll make it so. Freud had a name for this. He called it 'stupidity.' To illustrate, he once, at a seminar in London on Friday the 13th, broke a mirror. The crowd of superstitious folk gasped. But nothing happened. Freud smiled. Then he had a heart attack. Dang near died. But don't let that worry you. Again, coincidence. The odds of bad things happening to you tomorrow are no higher than usual, and I have professional opinion to back me up."
Truth in packaging
The blister pack should really say:
Connects USB 2.0 ports and most digital cameras. Except yours.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
It's just the drugs talking...
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh
Will Rogers never met Rush Limbaugh.
Quote of the day
Linking me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar.
-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (on the Tonight Show)
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Israel and Thailand have well-trained teachers
carrying weapons and keeping their children safe
from harm. It can work in Wisconsin.
-U.S. Rep. Frank Lasee (R)
Set your Tivo
9 p.m. "The Bone Collector"
Denzel Washington plays a quadriplegic forensics investigator who recruits a shapely young police officer played by Angelina Jolie to be his eyes and ears in the investigation of a New York City serial killer. He also needs her to reach up on high shelves in a short skirt and bend over to pick up things, a lot. (1999) USA Network.
Zay Smith's QT Early Warning System in the Chicago Sun-Times warns that David Hasselhoff plans a line of fragrances that will be "an extension of who I am." To which the KGB Report observes, "Wow. I didn't know you could smell that."
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
This is useful...
Instead of struggling with the Port Authority's badly-designed website, plan your ride at http:/www/google/transit. Appears to work, too.
Today is my mother's birthday. I also just discovered it's the birthday of Ed Wood, Jr..
This explains a great deal.
Monday, October 09, 2006
In the name of God...
...the faithful fly planes into buildings, blow themselves up to murder the innocent, burn down rival houses of worship, insult and condemn and cry out to heaven for vengeance. The wicked Rev. Fred Phelps and his crazy brood of fundamentalist vipers even planned to protest at the Amish children's funeral, until Dallas-based radio talker Mike Gallagher, bless him, gave them an hour of his program if they would only let those poor people bury their dead in peace.
But sometimes, faith helps ordinary men and women do the humanly
impossible: to forgive, to love, to heal and to redeem. It makes no
sense. It is the most sensible thing in the world. The Amish have
turned this occasion of spectacular evil into a bright witness to
hope. Despite everything, a light shines in the darkness, and the
darkness did not overcome it.
--Rod Dreher, "Amish faith shines, even in tragic darkness",
Dallas Morning News
Quote of the day
Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Okay. Just one more...
Word Count at www.wordcount.org, meanwhile, wants you to know that "page" is only the 931st most commonly used word in the English language.
Well. Except for some weeks.
(Zay N. Smith in the Chicago Sun-Times.)
A fun way to start the day...
"It says nothing against the ripeness of a spirit
that it has a few worms."
The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a randomized Family Circus cartoon with a randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quote. (via Steven Otte on ABC World News Now mailing list.)
Let's just get it all out of our systems, ok?
(from About.com's Political Humor department, by Daniel Kurtzman)
"I have the latest in the big Washington sex scandal... CNN is
reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were
not only sexually inappropriate, but were also full of typos. In his
own defense, Foley said, 'It's hard to type with one hand.'"
"Earlier in the week, (ex-Rep. Mark) Foley checked himself into rehab.
But according to the New York Times, many people question his
alcoholism claim. That's when you know things are bad in Washington.
When a congressman can't even be trusted to be a drunk."
"The good news? Florida Congressman Mark Foley has entered rehab. The
bad news? Rehab is a 14-year-old boy from Pakistan."
"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in
Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine,
and then maybe you can sit on it."
"On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said,
'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to
resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA
"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida
congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs,
which is what got him in trouble in the first place."
"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans
since last Thursday... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old
"ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House
floor, stopped the House floor vote, so he could have online phone sex
with a 16-year-old. Say what you want about Bill Clinton- he could
sit at his desk and have sex and work at the same time."
"Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former
Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page
while a vote was being taken in the House... Apparently, instead of
voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'"
"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up.
Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack
Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the
"Actually, this scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan
cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet
with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center."
"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with
ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked
himself into rehab... It had gotten so bad he had to go out and
develop a drinking problem."
"The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he
gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new
"He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet
stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to
"Apparently he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on
funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft
"Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations
he sent explicit emails to underage boys. What is it with Congress? If
they?re not grabbing your wallet, they?re grabbing your ass."
"How about that Florida congressman Mark Foley? Whoa. At least the
Democrats wait until the interns are 18."
"The Republicans reacted quickly. They transferred Foley to a
"So basically Pages are brought down there to perform sexual exploits
for legislators?" ?Jon Stewart
"No, that's what the interns are for. Pages are just the aphrodisiacs, set the mood, get them primed. They?re the Fluffers of Liberty."
-Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee
"I don't think Foley gets it. Today he apologized and promised to turn
over a new page."
"It's unbelievable the way the mainstream media is reporting this
thing. Listening to them, you'd think it's all Foley's fault. Don't
you think the kids bear some of the blame here? Hear me out. Let's be
fair. How can a 53-year-old, six-term congressman hold out against the
snares and seductive trickery of a high school student from the rural
"Alcohol is an amazing thing. It turns completely normal politicians
into perverts and completely normal actors into anti-Semites."
Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, asked why GOP leaders did not remove Foley from the Missing and Exploited Children's Committee after discovering the sexually explicit e-mails: "That's just the way it's done. Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness... Why would Senator Ted Stevens, a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era, be in charge of regulating the Internet? Which he believes is a series of tubes- a series of tubes through which other congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds."
"So let that be a lesson to anyone running for Congress. You can Foley
some of the people some of the time, but you can?t Foley all of the
people all of the time."
"This incident is changing the way many big companies do business in
Washington. Like Tobacco companies are now hiring underage boys as
lobbyists because they know that?s the best way to reach
"Bush lost focus on Iraq because Congressman Mark Foley wouldn't stop
sending him inappropriate emails."
-the #1 item on David Letterman's list of the Top 10 Surprises in Bob Woodward's New Book
"Mark Foley...has checked into alcohol rehab. Yeah, when asked about
it, Foley said, 'I have a problem with 18-year old Scotch and
"Foley sent what appeared to be inappropriate e-mails and text
messages to underage male congressional pages. Evidently, the
Republican leadership knew about it anywhere from 11 months ago to 60
months ago. Now people are calling for House Speaker Denny Hastert to
step down. That's totally unfair. He's a former high school wrestling
coach. What would he know about the harassment of young boys? All he
knows is if you pull it, you ice it."
"A Congressman from Florida, 52-year-old Mark Foley, resigned because
of questionable emails he wrote to a former male page. The page as 16
years old at the time. And out of force of habit, the Catholic church
offered to move him to another parish."
"I don't think this Mark Foley guy gets it. When a reporter asked him
what he's going to do after he resigned, he said, 'I'm going to
Disneyland!'... Actually, today he got a new job. He's going to join
former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's book tour."
"I remember the good old days, when the Republicans just screwed poor
Copyright © 1987-2016 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The email@example.com e-mail address is now something other than firstname.lastname@example.org saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used email@example.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that firstname.lastname@example.org was no longer email@example.com but rather firstname.lastname@example.org which is longer than email@example.com and more letters to type than firstname.lastname@example.org and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than email@example.com but actually just as functional as firstname.lastname@example.org? I sent e-mails from the email@example.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used firstname.lastname@example.org in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the email@example.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which firstname.lastname@example.org was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for email@example.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that firstname.lastname@example.org no longer is the email@example.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. firstname.lastname@example.org. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
get kgb krap!