Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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dcl dialogue online!

I Love DCL


no. we're not that kgb.

Cool Spinny Thingy!


Ciao.
KGB, CIA linked


The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution


Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

Geek of the Week


Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

Cruel Site of the Day (7/15/2000)


miscellany

Hard to describe.


"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

USA Today Hotsite


Our riveting and morally compelling...

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kgbreport.com Web


(July 2000 and earlier)


Saturday, July 29, 2006

Cartoon of the day


I've decided to cut and run.
(Published in The New Yorker July 31, 2006)

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Surreal t-shirt of the day...

Well dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians...

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Political quotes of the week...

Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash, and today the people of New Orleans said: "They did what?!"
-Jay Leno

Despite the heat, President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian Prime Minister, "Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?"
-Conan O'Brien

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Quote of the day

We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.
Eduardo Galeano

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Over 200 cats that look like Adolph Hitler


http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

They're called "kitlers." Just imagine what Mel Brooks could do with this.

(via the Unconscionable Objector)

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

E-mail subject line of the day

Blind Date at the Washington Moose!

Gee, the prospect sets you all a-tingle, doesn't it?

Actually, Blind Date is a local four-piece band that plays country, southern rock and classic rock. I heard them a couple times at the Baltimore House in Pleasant Hills, and they're a great bunch of guys. I have a great deal of empathy for Rod the keyboardist and bass guitarist Bobby G, who both also perform contemporary Christian music every Sunday morning in their churches' praise bands. I run the sound for my church's band, which means when I come rolling in on Sunday morning I find it's easier to just stay awake than try to catch a couple hours sleep before the 8:30 a.m. service. (I tell my minister I'm doing live sound mixing research.) I'm always amazed at the number of Methodists I find in bars on Saturday night. Even more surprising is the number who manage to make it to church the next morning...

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Quotes for Aunt and Uncle Day

There have been too many books in which some young man is looking forward, backward or sideways in anger. Or in which some Southern youth is being chased through the magnolia bushes by his aunt. She catches him on page 28 with horrid results.
-Bennett Cerf

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
-Art Buchwald

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
-George Carlin

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Sort of breaking news...

Elsewhere, actress Pamela Anderson and singer Kid Rock have announced plans to marry, according to the Centers for Disease Control.
The Borowitz Report

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Quotes of the day

The first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
-Jay Leno

Is it just me, or does it always seem to be someone from Earth?
-David Letterman (commenting on the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant)

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Hollywood story of the day

Clerks II Director to 'GMA' Critic: 'Kiss My A--. Literally.'

It all began with an innocent reference to donkey sex. Writer-director Kevin Smith and Good Morning America's Joel Siegel traded insults after the film critic stormed out of a Clerks II screening, bellowing to the audience, "This is the first movie I've walked out on in 30 f---ing years!" (A line about bestiality set him off.) Smith objected on his Web site-not because Siegel left, but because he didn't go quietly. Siegel apologized.

Reached through his publicist, the donkey declined to comment.
-Devin Gordon

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Observation of the day

From Zay Smith's QT column in the Chicago Sun Times:

A proposition to discard touch-screen voting machines that are especially susceptible to fraud because they leave no paper trail, replacing them with paper ballots counted by an optical scanner, will be put before voters in 15 Florida counties this fall, who will vote yes or no on touch-screen voting machines that are especially susceptible to fraud because they leave no paper trail.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Quote of the day

My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for her birthday.
-(my source says Andy Rooney, but I doubt that. Andy Rooney's grandmother would be- what? 115?)

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Teevee listing of the day

8 p.m. "The Simpsons"
Flanders is promoting his creationist views. This is cartoon creationism, which holds that the world was storyboarded in six days, but it took animators another six months to complete the action sequences. Fox.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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