Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


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He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


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Saturday, July 15, 2006

Quote of the day

The problem with Wikipedia is that it only works in practice. In theory, it's a total disaster.
-Gareth Owen

(via "The Sanity Inspector" on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup)

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Lois Lane is not a slut

Rob over at Unspace has an intriguing take on one of the major themes in the recent Superman Returns.

Which isn't unusual; Rob is one of the most insightful writers I've encountered, which is why Unspace is one of the few sites to which the KGB Report links.

If you do nothing else, take a look at Rob's 100 Things. There was a time I would envy someone with Rob's writing skills. Now I'm thankful that guys like him do write and are willing to share their thoughts.

Rob deserves a bookmark in your browser and a daily visit.

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Friday, July 14, 2006

Politcal quotes of the week

Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down. There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.
-David Letterman

President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions. You know what that means? No oil over there.
-Jay Leno

You're asking yourself where's President Bush? I'll tell you where he is. He's in Europe preparing for the G8 Summit and he's very excited. He thinks it's a conference on vegetable juice.
-David Letterman

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress. Somehow no one from Congress reads the New York Times, I guess.
-Jay Leno

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
David Letterman

President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself.
-Conan O'Brien

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Photo of the day

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Quote of the day

The music Porky played left memories. How can you slow dance to a song called "I Want to Kill My Father?"
-Jean Chedwick, wife of Porky Chedwick, the Daddy-o of the Raddy-o, in the "Hats Off to Porky", Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Quotes of the day (computer edition)

Computers can still barely open a printer port, much less the pod bay doors.
-Lee Gomez

A computer cuts your work in half and gives you back the bloody stumps.
-Unattributed

A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.
-Unattributed

Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and intricate wiring a feat his wife handles quite well without fuss or fanfare.
-Lane Olinghouse

Having a computer is like having a small, silicon version of Gary Busey on your desk. You never know what's going to happen.
-Bill Maher

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.
-Bjarne Stroustrup

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Obituary of the day

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"

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Conversation of the day

City editor: Do you think they give you your money back if your kid dies at Disney World?

Editor-in-Chief: No, but Mickey Mouse volunteers to be a pallbearer at the funeral.

Sports editor, in a Mickey Mouse falsetto: Hey guys, what's in the box?

(From Overheard in the Office)

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Quotes of the day (Jonathan Winters edition)

(For our QT friends:)

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.

Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Headline of the day

President takes straddling stance on national tongue

Well, at least it explains that goofy smirk of his.

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Quote of the day

The official cause of [Ken Lay's] death was listed as "karma."
-Jay Leno

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Bingos are still ok, though...

Pope Benedict has called for an end to electric guitars and modern music being played in church and has demanded a return to traditional choirs and Gregorian chants.

The Catholic Church has been experimenting with new ways of celebrating the Mass to try to attract more people.

The recital of the Mass set to guitars has grown in popularity in Italy. In Spain, the Mass has been set to flamenco music. And in the United States, the Electric Prunes produced a "psychedelic" album called Mass in F Minor.

However, the use of guitars and tambourines has annoyed Pope Benedict, who has a love of classical music.

"It is possible to modernize holy music," the Pope said at a concert conducted by Domenico Bartolucci, the director of music for the Sistine Chapel.

"But it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music."

The shift to more traditional forms of music comes as Australian bishops have voted in principle to accept a new English translation of the Mass that the Vatican favours as being more faithful to the original Latin text.

The argument about music is part of a wider debate over whether to return to a Latin Mass. If Latin Masses are not reintroduced into common practice, few Catholics will know the words to the Latin Gregorian chants that the Pope advocates.

The Latin Mass was restricted in the Vatican II reforms of the 1960s, on the grounds that it was deterring worshippers from going to Church.

Pope Benedict's conservatism is becoming more apparent, a year after his election.

---

Hmm. Good thing my daughter and I are United Methodists. Strictly speaking, though, I guess we're sort of ok; true, guitar chords are actually homophonic, but I was accompanying Sara on an acoustic guitar. (3MB download.)

Incidentally, this isn't a new controversy. According to the Wikipedia entry on polyphony:

"During the time polyphony was rising, the Popes had no home in Rome. Italy was torn with civil unrest and unsafe for the Holy Father. For nearly 200 years, they roamed Europe before stopping off in Avignon. During this time, the Papal Seat lost much of its authority.

"It was not merely polyphony that offended the medieval ears, but the notion of secular music merging with the sacred and making its way into the papal court. It gave church music more of a jocular performance quality removing the solemn worship they were accustomed to. The use of and attitude toward polyphony varied widely in the Avignon court from the beginning to the end of its religious importance in the fourteenth century. Harmony was not only considered frivolous, impious, and lascivious, but an obstruction to the audibility of the words. Instruments, as well as certain modes, were actually forbidden in the church because of their association with secular music and pagan rites. Dissonant clashes of notes give a creepy feeling that was labeled as evil, fueling their argument against polyphony as being the devil's music. After banishing polyphony from the Liturgy in 1322, Pope John XXII spoke in his 1324 Bull Docta Sanctorum Patrum warning against the unbecoming elements of this musical innovation. Clement VI, however, indulged in it.

"It was in 1364, during the pontificate of Pope Urban V, that Guillaume de Machaut composed the first polyphonic setting of the mass called Le Masse de Notre Dame. Guillaume de Machaut was himself a priest.

"Polyphony, though continually rejected by the church, somehow remained. Today, polyphony is characteristic of modern Christian culture."

Which means it should be ok to play an electric guitar in a Catholic church in the year 2688.

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Monday, July 10, 2006

Ricky's right.

Senator Rick Santorum, showing his festering condescension for voters in the Commonwealth, claims that some Pennsylvanians believe his opponent, Democratic candidate Bob Casey, is actually his father, the former governor who died six years ago.

Hey, Ricky. Guess what? You're right. We are voting for the late governor, but not because of our naivete. It's just that we'd rather vote for a dead, decomposing Democrat than for you.

Don't worry, though. You'll probably get a nice cushy job in the Bush administration, if precedence is any guide. Remember, John Ashcroft was named attorney general after he lost to a dead guy.

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Must-See TV

9 p.m. "Biography"
A look a the proud history of the Hilton family and the genius and hard work Conrad Hilton devoted his life to so his great-granddaughter could have her very own sex tape. Biography Channel.
Marin Independent Journal

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Bonus Quote of the Day

(For QT...)

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
- Lewis Black

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Drop-Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life

Touchdown.

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Quote of the day

Not being invited to an event attended by dissipated, nouveau riche narcissists is like being told you don't meet the qualifications to participate in the Special Olympics.
-KGB

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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Variations on a theme

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
-John A. Banker

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

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Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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