Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


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I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Oh Moses, Moses... don't forget to set the Tivo tonight...

The Ten Commandments (1956) (50th anniversary!)
ABC: Saturday, April 15 7:00 PM EDT
1956, G, ***1/2, 03:40, Color, English, United States

Moses (Charlton Heston) leads an exodus of those wacky Children of Abraham from Egypt to the Promised Land, complete with a pre-cgi- yet still unequalled- parting of the Red Sea, matte lines and all. Hilarity ensues as The Lord leads Moe and the gang on a 40-year meander through the desert, climaxing in Moses' demise just before their arrival in the only country in the Mideast without significant petroleum reserves. And some claim God doesn't have a sense of humor.

Cast: Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, Edward G. Robinson, Anne Baxter, Yvonne De Carlo, Debra Paget, John Derek, Cedric Hardwicke, Nina Foch, Martha Scott, Judith Anderson, Vincent Price, John Carradine, Eduard Franz, Olive Deering, Donald Curtis, Douglas Dumbrille, Lawrence Dobkin, Frank DeKova. Watch for the cameo by Alfalfa of "The Little Rasacals."
Director(s): Cecil B. DeMille
Producer(s): Cecil B. DeMille

(I kid, but this is one of my favorite films and still the high-grossing film, adjusted for inflation, in its original release. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of airings I've missed since I've been a kid, even though I have it on laserdisc. For lots of interesting background and trivia on the making of this landmark film, go here, here, here, and here..)

Great quotes:

Memnet: What have you found?
Bithiah: The answer to my prayers!
Memnet: You prayed for a basket?

Sethi: Harden yourself against subordinates. Have no friend. Trust no woman.

Moses: The city is made of bricks. The strong make many, the starving make few, the dead make none. So much for accusations.

Nefretiri: You will be king of Egypt and I will be your footstool!
Moses: The man stupid enough to use you as a footstool isn't wise enough to rule Egypt.

Moses: Love cannot drown truth, Nefretiri.

Nefretiri: Oh Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!

Rameses: You have a rat's ears and a ferret's nose.
Dathan: To use in your service, son of Pharaoh.

Rameses: You will be mine, like my dog, or my horse, or my falcon, except that I shall love you more-and trust you less.

Nefretiri: You need have no fear of me.
Sephora: I feared only his memory of you.
Nefretiri: You have been able to erase it?
Sephora: He has forgotten both of us. You lost him when he went to seek his god. I lost him when he found his god.

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Friday, April 14, 2006

Quote of the day

It's a very short stumble from "blithe" to "blithering."
-Leslie Spiller

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Disturbing things one learns at church #1

The hymn "Amazing Grace" can be sung to the tune of "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island."

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"It's how I work..."

...Because I'm a panting, blithering idiot.

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Baited breath? Are you trying to catch a pelican?

Zay Smith, in his Quick Takes column in today's Chicago Sun-Times, lists five news articles with the phrase "ethical tenants," and wryly notes, "The nice thing about ethical tenants is they pay their rent on time."

Nothing irritates me more than these instances of homophonic idiocy that newspapers and magazines have been foisting upon us with increasing frequency. I can deal with the errors in supers and titles on television news shows- the people typing in that stuff are probably just technicians affected by their location downwind from the anchor's hairspray station.

But print journalists- real journalists- should never make these errors. Thirty years ago, in a previous career as a reporter/editor, the egregious "tenant" gaffe cited above would have resulted in days of grim meetings and phone calls from english teachers, librarians and even the guy who showed up once a month in the tinfoil hat and garlic sandwiches. (He may have been nuts, but his spelling skills were without peer.)

As I told Mr. Smith, "For all intensive purposes, I wait for your column with baited breath- but very little phases me. Except arson fires."

Time to move on. My interest in this topic was piqued. I took a peek, but now it's past its peak.

If homophones fascinate you, take this test. It may have an effect on your affect.

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Quote of the day

What kind of idiot leaves NBC to come to CBS?
-David Letterman

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Bob, we hardly knew ye...

Well, that's not entirely true. Self-effacing Mellow Texan Bob Schieffer has been interim anchor of The CBS Evening News since March of last year, but he's hosted Face the Nation for the last 15 years and has been at CBS since 1969, about seven years less than self-aggrandizing Crazy Texan Dan Rather.

In the past year, The CBS Evening News became again what it was when we all gathered 'round to listen to Uncle Walter tell us what went on that day. A bit less stuffy than Cronkite, Schieffer has a way of drawing information out of correspondents without appearing condescending, and can deliver dramatic news without Rather's histrionics and phony, labored Texan-isms.

He also has a marvelously droll sense of humor. Ending the broadcast tonight after a piece on global positioning systems- in which the correspondent signed off with her latitude and longitude- Schieffer said, "I'd give you my co-ordinates, but they're classified. I might leak them to you if you tune in again tomorrow night."

I wish Miss Couric the best, but I fear the broadcast network news will again slip from my viewing habits. I'll resign myself to catching Schieffer via DVR on Sunday evenings.

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

Who's the fat guy on the sound board?

Music Madness

The Windover Hills Youth (W.H.Y.) hosts a concert for local area youth groups- and the general public- tonight at 6:30 the the Windover Hills United Methodist Church on Ridge Road in South Park. (You can't miss it... it's the church opposite Sunny Slopes, with the sign that reads "Can't Sleep? We Have Sermons!")

The Purple Daisies will perform songs by Newsboys, Big Daddy Weave and other Contemporary Christian artists. Their performance will be preceded by magician Dave Lawrence and refreshments.

R.S.V.P./Questions: Pastor Dale Reese at 412-655-4824. He's the one with the sermons referenced above.

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Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


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Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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