Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!


Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution


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Saturday, February 18, 2006

How Bush fights the addiction to foreign oil...

(AP) Federal tax rules that took effect last month allow a credit of up to $3,150 for anyone buying a hybrid car. The credit is the same regardless of tax bracket.

However, owners of small businesses who buy a Hummer, Ford Excursion or other SUV weighing more than three tons get a deduction of up to $25,000- depending on tax bracket- if they use the vehicle exclusively for work.

The benefits don't stop there. Once they subtract the $25,000 from the cost of their 3-ton SUV, small business owners can deduct the depreciation on the remaining amount. Someone who bought a $60,000 SUV, for example, can claim the remaining $35,000 over six years.

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Holy Shiite, Batman!

In an entirely new dimension to the term "cartoon war," DC comics will publish a graphic novel in which its iconic superhero will battle Al Qaeda operatives who attack Gotham City. Experienced Batman scribe Frank Miller says "Holy Terror, Batman!" is an unashamed "piece of propaganda" in which the caped crusader (oops... unfortunate term there, "crusader"...) "kicks Al-Qaeda's ass."

Of course, if DC was really serious, they'd send in their big gun. And I'm not talking about the new, wimpy CGI-generated guy with the movie coming out this summer, but the real enchilada:

(I've waited months to use this photo, a capture from the second season Adventures of Superman episode "Lady in Black". I think it's the only time George Reeves actually seems to be having a good time patrolling the skies of 1953 Metropolis.)

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Friday, February 17, 2006

Overused blogging cliches that should be outlawed: #1

No. More. Punctuating. Every. Word. Ever.

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Quote of the day

Remember, the real F-word is "future."
-The Covert Comic

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Cheney shooting a guy in the face quotes of the day

[Cheney said] we can't blame the shooting on the guy that got shot. We tried that for three days and it didn't work.
-Jay Leno

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney? With Cheney, that really is a gun in his pocket.
-Jay Leno

Does a Vice President shoot in the woods?
-David Letterman

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Phony quote of the day

(Thanks to Marc McCune.)

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Cheney shooting a guy in the face quotes of the day

That's gonna be expensive, any way you look at it. My motto has been, if you shoot an attorney, you better kill it.
-David Letterman

This is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to steal money. They're not good with guns.
-Jay Leno

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T-shirt of the day

Front: There's a picture of the Prophet Muhammad on the back of my shirt.

Back: Just Kidding. Praise Allah! (Please don't kill me)

(From T-Shirt Hell via The Sanity Inspector on the Usenet newsgroup alt.quotations.)

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Totally unexpected response of the day

During last Sunday's bible study of 2 Samuel, my eyes wandered down the page of my Life Appreciation Bible to one of the sidebars the publisher inserted to enhance and clarify the meaning of the lesson.

Under the admonition "It is dangerous to criticize God's leaders," the following situations and consequences were listed:

Miriam: Mocked Moses because he had a Cushite wife. Result: Stricken with leprosy. Reference: Numbers 12

Korah and followers: Led the people of Israel to rebel against Moses' leadership. Result: Swallowed by the earth. Reference: Numbers 16

Bar-Jesus, a sorceror: Lied about Paul in an attempt to turn the proconsul against him. Result: Stricken with blindness. Reference: Acts 13

Youths: Mocked Elisha and laughed at his baldness. Result: Killed by bears. Reference: 2 Kings 2.

I pointed out this entry to the pastor, who noted: "Hmm. Maybe Stephen Colbert is right."

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Quote of the day

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
-Matt Groening (b. 2/15/1954)

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Geeky Valentine

Roses are xFF0000
Violets are x0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

(Thanks to Marc McCune)

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The Daily Show nails it....

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do... coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people... to get him some sort of mask."

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Bonus quote of the day

Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton.
-Jay Leno

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Quote of the day

The cartoons are badly drawn and not very funny. I know that sight unseen, because the cartoons are European. I feel sorry for the angry mobs setting fire to the embassies. They should at least have gotten a good chuckle before they set out with their matches and gas cans. However, on a personal and professional note, I want to thank the angry mobs for showing up. I've put in some time as a satirist myself. It is the fondest dream of every wiseacre to get a really dramatic reaction from the public. Nothing is as disheartening to a humorist as having his most sardonic jibes, his most telling thrusts "laughed off." And the violent protests against Denmark, which have now become violent protests against almost all the nations of Old Europe, prove that humor truly is a form of communication that transcends all languages and cultures. The Europeans have made their little joke. The Muslims get it.
-- P. J. O'Rourke, Laugh Riot (Fun and games in Europe),
The Weekly Standard, February 20, 2006

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Oooh baby, you give me such hot subcortical rewards...

Anthropologist Helen Fisher says, "group activation specific to the beloved under the two control conditions occurred in dopamine-rich areas associated with mammalian reward and motivation, namely the right ventral tegmental area and the right postero-dorsal body and medial caudate nucleus. Activation in the left ventral tegmental area was correlated with facial attractiveness scores. Activation in the right anteromedial caudate was correlated with questionnaire scores that quantified intensity of romantic passion. In the left insula-putamen-globus pallidus, activation correlated with trait affect intensity. The results suggest that romantic love uses subcortical reward and motivation systems..."

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Monday, February 13, 2006

Unattributed quote of the day

There is a very fine line between stalking and making things happen.

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Unfortunate, non-faux quote of the day

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
George W. Bush

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Faux quote of the day

At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent "a strong message to terrorists everywhere."

"The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you," Mr. Bush said.

(The Borowitz Report)

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Sunday, February 12, 2006

An Honest Mistake

 

Cut Cheney some slack, will ya? Who wouldn't be confused? One is small and compact with a short stout bill, curved culmen, a serrated mandibular tomium, bare nostrils, elevated hallux, no tarsal spur and tarsel scutellation, and one is a bird.

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Unattributed quote of the day

Luge is my favorite athletic competition, because you can compete even if you're dead.

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What more proof do you need?

If you ever had any doubt about the validy of astrology, just consider the astounding similarity in the lives of today's birthday boys and girls: Heinrich Lenz, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, John L. Lewis, Arlen Specter, Bill Russell, Arsenio Hall, Judy Blume, Christina Ricci, Chynna Phillips, Forrest Tucker, Franco Zeffirelli, Joe Don Baker, Joe Garagiola, Johnny Rutherford, Josh Brolin, Lorne Greene, Maud Adams, Michael Ironside, Omar Bradley and Ted Mack

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
-Charles Darwin

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


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