Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
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no. we're not that kgb.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000
Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000
"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"
Our riveting and morally compelling...
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Saturday, February 04, 2006
Thought of the day
Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps)
not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people, we should remember
their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are,
after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just
because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-a-bitches.
(Thanks to David Kifer on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup)
Friday, February 03, 2006
Bush blasts genetic hybrids; incurs wrath of Khan
Eugenics "superman" Khan Noonien Singh, reacting angrily to President Bush's State of the Union promise to oppose emerging genetic engineering technologies, warned he will strongly oppose the administration's position and would, indeed, focus his efforts against the President personally.
"He tasks me!," Khan told a group of his Augment followers. "He tasks me, and I shall have him! I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia, and 'round the Antares maelstrom, and 'round Perdition's flames before I give him up!"
White House spokesmen had no official comment, although a senior administration official responded off the record, "I'm laughing at the superior intellect."
Bush supporters may discover it's not a laughing matter. Khan has gained support from surprising quarters.
Star Fleet Admiral James T. Kirk warned that the President's position is short-sighted, with ramifications that could have consequences of a galactic nature.
"Science, in and of itself, is not evil," Kirk observed, his speech punctuated by odd pauses and pointing gestures. "At one extreme, you have Khan: a monomaniacal, obsessed sociopath with evil ambitions and an IQ over 200, a super-genius who can master the intricacies of warp drive concepts in a day, and who can recite from memory the whole of classics like Moby Dick. At the other, you have someone whose favorite work of literature is "My Pet Goat." Humankind must remember there is a middle ground."
When pressed for specifics, the Admiral asked, somewhat cryptically, "Have you seen any humpback whales recently?"
Kirk noted that genetic hybrids would play a vital role in the future of the Alpha Quadrant, making enormous contributions to science, literature, and the sexual development of teenage males.
Genetically engineered hybrids:
Spock (Human/Vulcan), Saavik (Vulcan/Romulan), Deanna Troi (Human/Betazoid) K'Ehleyr (Human/Klingon), B'Elanna Torres (Human/Klingon), Seven of Nine (Human/Borg)
"We're talking some seriously hot babes here," the Admiral noted.
Some Bush apologists claimed the President's actions could, in fact, be of great benefit to mankind, a claim substantiated by the Borg Queen.
"Thanks, but no thanks."
"Should Terra continue on its present course, its conquest would be of little value to the Collective," she observed. "I'd rather assimilate a planet full of drooling lemurs."
In other news, Viacom stock jumped dramatically with rumors that its feature film division, Paramount Pictures, was funding a major new project based on the studio's aging but still lucrative Star Trek franchise. Gerry Rich, Paramount's president of worldwide motion picture marketing, would only say that the effort involves a reworking of the classic episode "City on the Edge of Forever." In the updated version, the course of history is changed by preventing the seemingly harmless mating of a Navy war hero and his college drop-out bride during World War II.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Cartoon of the Day
Levitske Bros urged to recognize Route 51's right to exist
(KGB) Community leaders in the South Hills plan a concerted effort to convince the Levitske Bros to moderate their intractable position in relation to other property owners and local governments in Pittsburgh's southern suburbs.
For decades, the organization's unwillingness to negotiate with its neighbors and officials has stymied numerous efforts to develop the full potential of the area. By holding key positions along the Route 51 corridor, the Bros have been able to successfully maintain intense pockets of resistance that have frustrated those seeking expansion and stability in the troubled region.
Elswhere, NASA scientists are puzzled by the latest photos returned to Earth from the Mars rover Spirit.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Spike Lee coming to Pittsburgh, will sue Greg Lee to stop using his name
Filmmaker Spike Lee, director of "Do the Right Thing," "School Daze" and "Malcolm X," among others, is coming to Pittsburgh for an 8 p.m. Feb. 16 appearance at the Byham Theater, Downtown.
Lee is also expected to file suit against Greg Lee, an all-Big East Conference wide receiver, who announced recently that he's going to give up his final year at Pitt in order to enter April's NFL draft.
In an action reminiscent of his 2003 suit against Viacom's Spike TV, it is expected Lee will claim the athlete's potentially premature jump to professional sports is an attempt to capitalize upon the filmmaker's notoriety and success.
In related news, Lee has been named as the defendant in a class action suit filed by director Spike Jonze, the estate of Spike Jones, the estate of Spike Milligan, the estate of Spike Robinson, musician Spike Slawson, the estate of Charles Schulz (Spike is Snoopy's brother), among others, and a separate action by AOL Time-Warner for infringing upon the characters Spike The Bulldog in the Tom and Jerry series and Spike the Bulldog in the Spike and Chester cartoons produced by Warner Brothers.
A class action is also expected from the several million individuals worldwide with the surname "Lee", most notably Tim Berners-Lee, creator of the World Wide Web, who has supposedly taken preliminary steps to point all references on the Internet to the litigious filmmaker to this page.
Tickets for "An Evening With Spike Lee," sponsored by the African American Cultural Center, range from $18 to $60 and are available at the Box Office at Theater Square or by calling 412-456-6666 or online at www.pgharts.org.
Bonus Quote of the Day
Elsewhere, in his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Bush listed a series of accomplishments of his administration, including that the United States is warmer than it has ever been.
-Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report
Blog headline of the day...
Quote of the day
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
(I believe today is the anniversary of Heisenberg's death. But I'm uncertain.)
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
No need to watch the State of the Union...
...The Union is watching you.
Political observation of the day
News Item: President Bush defends domestic spying in violation of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, saying, "The FISA law was written in 1978. We're having a discussion in 2006. It's a different world."
News Item: Bush administration's legal analysis in defense of its domestic spying cites passage from the 1788 Federalist Papers.
Well. You know. That was now, this is then. Or wait. That is then, this was now. Or something.
Zay N. Smith, Chicago Sun-Times
Quotes of the day (televised State of the Union edition)
When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
-Richard M. Nixon
Politics: where fat, bald, disagreeable men, unable to be candidates themselves, teach a president how to act on a public stage.
To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.
When 25 percent of the population believe the President should be impeached and 51 percent of the population believe in UFOs, you may or may not need a new President, but you definitely need a new population.
Maybe a vague president and an incompetent and somewhat corrupt administration is what the nation needs.
I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation.
-George W. Bush (on 60 Minutes)
Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube! This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation; this tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers; this tube is the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people.
(spoken by Peter Finch as Howard Beale in Network (1976) by Paddy Chayefsky)
Most presidents are merely clerks of some real power which stands erect at their side and does its will by them.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
[The President is] the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.
-James A. Garfield
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
The next time, for God's sake, let's at least do a background check before we make someone President.
Every politician we have, liberal or conservative, who gets caught drinking or chasing women is thrown out of office. It's backwards. It's more dangerous to have a clean-living President with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader? Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Dick Cheney Birthday Quotes
Personal insight from the Vice President, on the 65th anniversary of his birth:
"It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you."
"The problem is that the Good Lord didn't see fit to put oil and gas reserves where there are democratic governments."
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Super Bowl Wager
SUPER BOWL MAYORS' WAGER: IF PITTSBURGH WINS, SEATTLE MUST TAKE CYRIL WECHT
Read all about it at The Carbolic Smoke Ball,, the funniest blog in Pittsburgh.
I didn't post this, and you didn't read it
(Can't wait for International Super Bowl Hype-Free Day.)
Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The firstname.lastname@example.org e-mail address is now something other than email@example.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used firstname.lastname@example.org as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that email@example.com was no longer firstname.lastname@example.org but rather email@example.com which is longer than firstname.lastname@example.org and more letters to type than email@example.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than firstname.lastname@example.org but actually just as functional as email@example.com? I sent e-mails from the firstname.lastname@example.org address to just about everybody I knew who had used email@example.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the firstname.lastname@example.org change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which email@example.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for firstname.lastname@example.org would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that email@example.com no longer is the firstname.lastname@example.org they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. email@example.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
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