Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


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He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Saturday, August 27, 2005

Throw Robertson in the slammer?

Does the First Amendment permit you to threaten the assassination of foreign leaders? Probably not. But it's certainly a court case I'd love to watch on the cable channels.

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Inspiration from “Mister Happy”:

My life
Is like a bowling ball
Heavy
And black
And full of holes
And headed for
The gutter
-William Burrill

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Friday, August 26, 2005

Quote of the day

"It doesn't seem right that we are poisoning the places we are supposed to be liberating."-Gerard Matthew

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Why man shouldn't muck around with genetic manipulation...

For every couple hundred Labs and border collies, you get one of these:

At first I thought someone was playing a cruel hoax, but no. This is indeed the world's ugliest dog.

But the poor thing is 14 years old, suffers from a number of chronic illnesses, and is inseparable from his "mom", a woman with allergies who loves dogs and adopted the "unplaceable" hairless Chinese crested five years ago, god bless her.

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sorry, Charlie...

The good news? It was the largest tuna ever caught in Delaware. The bad news? It had two and half times the mercury levels needed for the government to go to court and have it declared a health hazard.

What fish is safe to eat? I dunno, but the salient quote from the officials in charge: "stay away from any big fish with teeth."

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Photo of the day...

A VFW member listens to a Bush speech. Sort of.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

What goes up will come down more frequently...

Just a factoid to brighten your day: The Wall Street Journal says Boeing predicts "a major crash a week by 2010," due to increases in commercial aviation traffic. Yoiks.

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Quote of the day

"We were turning people away at 6:30 in the morning. The only thing they're motivating people to do over at the arena is kill someone."
-Jay Hamilton, morning parking manager for the Marriott City Center parking garage, on a motivational seminar that made a mess of rush hour in Pittsburgh yesterday.

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Mel Brooks Day

I just declared it. Enjoy.

[Mel Brooks] was approached by a woman who offered condolences on the passing of his beloved wife, Anne Bancroft. “I know how you feel. I just lost my mother,” the woman said. “How old was she?” asked Mel. “Ninety-six,” the woman replied. “Well,” Mel said, “she was asking for it.”
-New York Post, 8/23/05

-----

George Anthony, chief of entertainment programming for the CBC, remembers that Bancroft and Brooks were a “genuine bonafide love match, in the early years almost as famous for their public battles as Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Todd.” He recalls one of their fights when he grabbed her arm and she pulled away from him. Anthony's story:

“Don't you dare touch my instrument!” she raged, in her highest Actors Studio dudgeon.

“Oh, so this is your instrument?!”

“Yes. This is my instrument!!”

“Okay. Play Melancholy Baby.”

-Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times, June 8, 2005

----

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

----

Critics are like eunuchs at an orgy. They just don't get it.

----

Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin.

----

Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.

----

Hope for the best,
expect the worst.
Life is a play.
We're unrehearsed.

----

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

----

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

----

If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.

----

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

----

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

----

Usually when a lot of men get together, it's called war.

----

What is the toughest thing about making film? Putting in the little holes. The sprocket holes are the worst. Everything else is easy, but all night you have to sit with that little puncher and make the holes on the side of the film. You could faint from that work. The rest is easy. The script is easy, the acting is easy, the directing is a breeze... but the sprockets will tear your heart out.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

This just about says it all...


(from USA Today)

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No, no, don't spread 'em...

The latest Transportation Security Administration-related uproar is over the potential use of back-scatter x-ray machines. This nifty technology will provide security screeners with the Superman-like ability to perform virtual strip searches of fully-clothed travelers.

The prospect of this has lots of people screaming about invasion of privacy and state-authorized voyeurism and, well, the general discomfort one has at the thought of sweaty, armed civil servants scrutinizing one's naughty bits. And what if they point and laugh?

I find the back-scatter x-ray technique frightening as well, but for other reasons.

From a security standpoint, the new machines are far inferior to magnetometers (metal detectors) and traditional x-rays, which completely penetrate the target. Back-scatter bounces off the surface of the skin.

Now, if you're a person of heft, those puny back-scattered x-rays won't penetrate any significant skin folds. This makes any fat person a potential terrorist. I know some women who could smuggle a couple of burqas and an RPG launcher under their tank tops. Decorum prevents me from suggesting even more potentially spacious and disgusting hidey-holes.

And from a strictly humanitarian standpoint, these machines will be brutal on screeners. The next time you're in line at the airport, take a look around. How many of these people do you really want to see in the nude? It's bad enough stomaching the old lady with the blue hair, white short shorts and Don Ho halter. For every hot babe or stud that goes through the machine, there's three or four dozen of, well, me.

And they think the burnout rate of air traffic controllers is bad.

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Monday, August 22, 2005

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

(Compiled by Grace McGarvie on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup...)

“Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now- six more weeks of vacation.”
-Jay Leno

“President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, "Don't worry, I won't do any work there either."”
-Conan O'Brien

“They said on the news that the high fuel prices are not stopping people from going on vacation. Everyone's going on vacation this summer- Bush, Cheney, Congress.”
-Jay Leno

“President Bush is doing a lot of reading this summer. And today the White House released the president's summer reading list. They said he is reading mostly non-fiction. He likes to save the fiction for when he needs another reason to invade a country.”
-Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League playoff game, and that must have been exciting. I mean that's something those kids will remember until they are old and gray and have no Social Security.”
-Jay Leno

“Eight cities in Texas are competing with each other to be the location for the George Bush Library. It's BYOB- bring your own books. ... The George Bush Presidential Library- that shouldn't take up too much space: a box of Cliff Notes and pop-up books. ... The only thing Bush ever checked out of a library was Laura.”
-Jay Leno

“Lance Armstrong is going on a bike ride with President Bush. Apparently Armstrong's mom called the president's mom and they set the whole thing up. They're going to have a sleep over, build a tent, maybe eat s'mores.”
-Conan O'Brien

“A neighbor of President Bush in Crawford, Texas, fired his shotgun in the air twice because he was upset about all the protestors. ... President Bush was pretty shaken up because this was the closest he's ever been to actual combat.”
-Jay Leno

“President Bush is on week three of his marathon five-week vacation. In fact, he has been gone on vacation for so long that today in Washington, a judge ruled that a young couple with two children can now legally move into the White House because it appears to have been abandoned by its previous tenants.”
-Jay Leno

“At his ranch over the weekend President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League game. I'm not sure President Bush realizes this was a Little League game. Like when he reached down to shake (a kid's) hand, he said "See, this is proof our steroid policy is working."”
-Jay Leno

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sunday diversions.

While the animation is superb, and it's technically just a "rag doll," there's something about this that strikes me as vaguely disturbing. Perhaps it's the fluid, natural movement. Still, it's a harmless way to kill some time. If she gets stuck, use your mouse to pull her through or over any obstacles.

And here's a fascinating set of optical illusions that will convince you that yes, you are going blind.

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Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


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