Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Friday, August 12, 2005

Bush's poll numbers are down, so....

...let's have a terror alert based on "uncorroborated intelligence", which, come to think of it, pretty much describes the mental state of our clueless commander.

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

Chim, Chim, Chimera

Human-brained monkeys? Well, they can't be worse than the monkey-brained humans who are currently running things.

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Lies, damned lies and statistics...

Of the [207,000] new jobs [created in July], 26,000 (about 13%) are tax-supported government jobs. That leaves 181,000 private sector jobs. Of these private sector jobs, 177,000, or 98%, are in the domestic service sector.

Here is the breakdown of the major categories:

30,000 food servers and bar tenders;
28,000 health care and social assistance;
12,000 real estate;
6,000 credit intermediation;
8,000 transit and ground passenger transportation;
50,000 retail trade; and
8,000 wholesale trade.

(There were 7,000 construction jobs, most of which were filled by Mexicans immigrants.)

Not a single one of these jobs produces a tradable good or service that can be exported or serve as an import substitute to help reduce the massive and growing US trade deficit. The US economy is employing people to sell things, to move people around, and to serve them fast food and alcoholic beverages. The items may have an American brand name, but they are mainly made off shore. For example, 70% of Wal-Mart?s goods are made in China.

The full story here.

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Picture of the week

Receiving a secret message on his Neocon NippleRadio®, conservative lackey Robert Novak leaves the set of CNN's "Inside Politics" before he can be asked embarrassing questions by Democratic operative James Carville, sporting the liberal ChromeDome Transceiver®.

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Monday, August 08, 2005

Celestial symmetry

Saturday was one of those special celestial alignment days: one year since I bought a pair of everyday shoes and five years since I bought new underwear. So the missus and I repaired to the local Wal-Mart.

Normally I'm a Fruit of the Loom guy, but my loyalty had been shaken by some premature elastic failures in my last, circa-Y2K briefs acquisition. I'd never been a big fan of Hanes, until I spotted their latest marketing strategy: instead of useless combinations of two or three pair of briefs per bag, they had a jumbo collection of seven pair!

Obviously Hanes had tapped actual men when formulating their packaging scheme. A neat, shrink-wrapped set of seven pair! A perfect week! My advanced, stress-tested undergarment methodology is based upon a rigid two-week cycle of fresh briefs. The three pair per package approach always irritated me: two packages left me one day short of a week, and the purchase of five packages was wasteful, causing me to end the fortnight with an extra pair of undergutchies. I tried to rationalize the odd pair by referring to them as my fail-safe backup set, but that was just a self-delusional definition intended to soothe my obsessive-compulsive frustrations.

Ah, but this- this was perfect symmetry, at last! I immediately grabbed two packages, picked up a belt from the end cap on the aisle, and made a quick pass through the shoe department for a brand new pair of slip-resistant, oil-resistant, fat-guy-resistant TredSafe loafers, identical to the pair I purchased last year. Even better, the old ones are still in fairly decent shape, and they were immediately recommissioned into the Pittsburgh Yardwork Clothing Group, replacing a six year old set of grass-stained running shoes which had seen their best days.

My shopping was complete: five minutes, about sixty bucks and I was set for shoes through 2006 and underwear through the next decade.

No wonder women resent men. We have reduced shopping to the precise science it should be, a routine function not unlike shaving or bowel movements; activities that should be efficiently executed so that more time is available for important things, like hanging around the ladies' section of the store where the halter tops are on sale.

*****

Kung Fu Monkey on intelligent design: "Everybody who wants to live in the 21st century over here. Everybody who wants to live in the 1800s over there. Good. Thanks. Good luck with that."

*****

Quote of the day: "We in the press are often accused of hyperbole. Hype for short. We try to avoid it at all costs."-Peter Jennings

*****

My dog, Beanie, has been terrified of fireworks and thunder ever since we made the mistake of taking her to my daughter's house one evening when there was a fireworks display at a nearby park. There are thunderstorms starting to roll through as I write this, so now I have a sixty pound canine in my lap with her head stuck in my right armpit. What a wuss. And thus endeth the blogging activity for this morning.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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