Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


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I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Friday, May 27, 2005

A modern girl

Only two years old, and already a multi-tasker; granddaughter Leanna takes a bath, washes her hair, brushes her teeth, learns her alphabet and practices her modeling smile.

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

Gee, ya think?

Understatement of the week:

"The very moment John Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, he knew he'd made a mistake."

http://story.news.yahoo.com/s/latimests/ajumpsurvivorsbridgetoactivism

(Thanks to Danny Burstein) of the ABC World News Now mailing list)

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A real bleeding heart liberal

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities. It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population. It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals. It is some 50 miles of concrete highway. We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat. We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people. This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking. This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."

President Dwight D. Eisenhower (R)
April 16, 1953

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Dyslexics have more fnu

I've spent the last sixteen hours getting the laptop back up to speed, tranferring about 6 gigabytes of data and struggling with arcane Windows configuration settings.

While waiting for stuff to load, I came across a number of interesting anagrams:

Britney Spears: Best PR in years, presbyterian

Michael Jackson: hijack clam nose

Evelyn Barkes: bank severely

Sara Salopek: a koala press

Douglas Barkes: bedrugs koalas (hmmm... what is it with the koalas?)

Pamela Barkes: amber lake spa

Kevin G. Barkes: Geeks over breaking

Dick Cheney: needy chick

George W. Bush: he grew bogus

And if twelve hours of mind-numbing Windows contortions doesn't make you sufficiently aphasic, there's always this.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Oh, shut up.

IBM and other computer firms are bemoaning the fact that the number of college students majoring in computer sciences is plummeting. This is the same IBM that recently announced that it's outsourcing yet another 2,000 jobs overseas. You'd sorta expect a capitalistic, profit-driven outfit like IBM to understand the concept of supply and demand, wouldn't you?

According to J.D. Powers and Associates, the automobile with the highest level of customer satisfaction is the Buick Century. Naturally, GM will stop manufacturing that model this year.

Scientists now say we don't get enough sun, and that 15 minutes of exposure a couple times a week might prevent 30 other cancer deaths for each one caused by skin cancer. This, after scaring us to death for the last two decades about what would happen to us if we didn't wear big floppy hats and slather enormous quantities of sunscreen over our children's bodies. A whole generation deprived of the pleasure of slapping an annoying sibling's sunburn, just to line the pockets of the Coppertone people. (Oh yeah... another study shows that people who use sunscreen have higher rates of skin cancer than those who don't.)

Low-dose aspirin significantly reduces the chance of heart attacks. It also increases the possibility of stroke by 40%. Caffeine increases blood pressure, but also appears to combat Alzheimers. Cooking meat at high temperatures kills harmful bacteria, but creates carcinogenic substances.

I'm going back to bed.

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Monday, May 23, 2005

Full contact air travel

I'm up at this ungodly hour because I have a 7:25 am flight to Chicago this morning, and I need to be on the 4:37 am 47L Library LRV in order to catch the Airport Flyer downtown to get to Greater Pitt.

A semi-comatose state is helpful when flying Southwest. I flew in from Chicago on Friday night with the elbow of the person to my right lodged in my ribs.

Fortunately, I'm a quick learner. Yesterday I had a nice, big home-made Reuben sandwich with lots of sauerkraut. And I have problems digesting cabbage.

I expect to have the entire row to myself.

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


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eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


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