Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
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Saturday, March 12, 2005

Congressional Cretinism

WASHINGTON (AP) - Cuts in food programs for the poor are getting support in Congress as an alternative to President Bush's idea of slicing billions of dollars from the payments that go to large farm operations.

Ok, let me see if I understand this. Rather than give money to poor people so they can buy food, Congress wants to give money to the large farm operations who produce more food than they can sell, because poor people don't have the money to buy food.

I really think it's about time for another American revolution.

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Friday, March 11, 2005

Thank God Bill Gates doesn't work this way.

It's not that this software organizer is that unusual- although, to be honest, the only Italian time manager of note was Benito Mussolini, and his success was limited to train scheduling.

What makes Unforgiven Organizer unique is Carmelo Faraci's sole precondition for downloading and using his program:

A date with your sister.

"REMEMBER! Unforgiven organizer is SISTERWARE, who uses it has the moral obligation to introduce his/her sister to the software author!"

Alas, as an only child, I can't legally use his application. Too bad; it has several interesting features, my favorite being an option to "Torment Me Daily." Sounds like Dante's version of Microsoft Outlook.

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

...No one wanth a fellow with a thothial ditheath

The school across the street from my Chicago apartment is going to do West Side Story next weekend.

It's a parochial school, which is kind of interesting, given the nature of the play.

Even more interesting is that it's a middle school.

As in, the upper class is comprised of eighth graders.

As in, a 13-year-old Anita singing:

Anita's gonna get her kicks
Tonight.
We'll have our private little mix
Tonight.
He'll walk in hot and tired,
So what?
Don't matter if he's tired,
As long as he's hot
Tonight!

This could play a couple of ways, you know?

Ah, what the hell. God bless 'em. As the proud parent of two grown-up honor Thespians of my own, I can attest to the positive effects that working in the theater had on their lives. As far as I'm concerned, the younger they start, the better.

Check them out. I know I plan on attending.

There are some opportunities that must not be missed. Like a group of enthusiastic, earnest pre-teeners singing:

Gee, Offither Krupke,
We're down on our kneeth,
'Cauth no one wanth a fellow with a thothial ditheath.
Gee, Offither Krupke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Offither Krupke,
Krup you!

Break a leg, kids.

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Hey, you procrastinating terrorists...

According to the big signs I saw posted at the security checkpoints in the airports yesterday, cigarette lighters will be banned from all commercial aircraft effective April 14.

So, all of you malingering, lolly-gagging miscreants, get off your butts. You only have five weeks left to do something that's never been done in the history of modern commercial aviation: wreak havoc with a Bic. Huh. Losers. Never were able to exploit the toenail clipper loophole either, were you?

Sigh. Incidentally, the TSA people really aren't thrilled about this, either. They have more important problems. Like the guy who came on the plane yesterday with a prosthetic hook. What's the security-savvy yet politically correct way to deal with that?

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Shovel, car, light rail, bus, jet, train...

Ah, my luck has run out.

This winter I've managed to miss out on most of the snow in Chicago or Pittsburgh on my travel days. Not today. Drat. Almost made it through the season without shoveling.

Of all days for the Storm Team Imminent Apocalypse End of Life As We Know It Weather Deathsquad to issue an accurate prediction.

I'm not worried about the light rail trip into downtown, but the 28X Airport Flyer to Greater Pitt. I only have a half-hour window to make the plane.

Oh well. Into the fray...

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Monday, March 07, 2005

Inspirational Secret of the Week

From our friend at the CIA, the Covert Comic:

“Remember, half the time manic depressives feel better than you and I could ever imagine.”

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Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


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